So, at the time of writing this I'm not crippled with fear. But I am shivering and sweating. I think I might have a panic attack soon.
You might think 'Wow, something REALLY bad must have happened in her life to make her this way!'...but nope. I'm worried about the whole Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda thing. Specifically someone posted a link to an article about terrorists planning to unleash a 'nuclear hellstorm' on Europe once Bin Laden was captured. Everyone else seems to be able to discuss these things calmly but...I can't. My imagination just runs away from me.
It may be a rational fear, but I've taken it to irrational levels. I seriously find myself unable to do anything and, rather than going 'It might happen, that's scary, but probably not...' I think to myself 'It's GOING to happen, it could happen any second, oh God oh God'...as if it's an inevitability.
I'm like this with other things too. I'm always on edge; my Mum comes upstairs to talk to me or something and my mind starts racing, has she found my stash, my porn, am I in trouble, what have I done, ohgodthisisgoingtobeawful....
I jump when the phone rings (I never pick up) or there's a knock at the door. This is partly due to an experience I had a long time ago involving the police; I'm always scared it will be them back to tell me I'm not as innocent as they thought and I need to go to jail. But even that's just indicative of my whole personality... EVERYONE has told me it's over and it's okay, but I still manage to convince myself sometimes that it's NOT and any day now I'm going to be carted off to prison*.
I know 2012 is nonsense...I know this 'May 21st' shit is even more nonsense...and yet sometimes it terrifies me and, again, I become certain it will happen. I don't really believe in God (the small amount of faith I do have is for a celestial 'Daddy' figure, not any particular brand of religion), yet some days I get terrified that he exists and I'm somehow displeasing him and that when I die (in my mind, soon; this is also coupled with the fear of the world ending/bombs exploding... so I can't even say 'at least I'll go to Heaven and be happy if I die') I'm going straight to Hell.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm in a potential state of panic and worry the whole time. Any little thing can send me into a state of distress. Sometimes I have bad panic attacks, but not lately. I just feel afraid all the time. I know it's stupid. It's weird that for once in my life, I'm actually happy. I've been depressed since I was quite young, and these past few years have pulled me out of that. But now I'm too scared of it being ripped away somehow to enjoy it. I seem to have this mindset that 'any day now, this will be ruined, one way or the other'.
I don't know. Any thoughts on this? Any advice? Any comforting words? :s