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Thread: People of ADISC, I Ask for Your Sage Wisdom and Advice

  1. #1

    Default People of ADISC, I Ask for Your Sage Wisdom and Advice

    I have brought this up with my therapist previously, but I wanted your input on the matter; anything will help.

    I love my wife and she has been amazingly patient, especially in regards to my AB tendencies. However, there is a problem that is only getting worse by the day. Bottom line: as time goes on, I am just having less and less desire to "initiate" anything. I find her very attractive and no, I do not want anyone else. It's just like all desire for physical closeness is gone.

    This has been happening over an extended period of time and part of me wonders if it's occurring in an inversely proportional fashion to my acceptance of being an AB. When my wife and I were first together, I really avoided these feelings I had and things between she and I, in that way, were fantastic. Yet, over time, as I delved into getting a feel for my AB side, I wanted that closeness less and less. Eventually, we got married, but that did nothing to spark things. Now, honestly, I would be perfectly fine if I never did "it" again. I love her and this whole thing is driving her crazy, but I can't force myself into it. I'm simply sliding into asexuality.

    Anyone else ever go through this? Is it unreasonable to sense this struggle between AB-ism and intimacy?

    PS I am not looking for advise to bring AB activities into the bedroom. I don't want to involve her in it and she definitely wouldn't like it either. Just thought I'd say that up front.

  2. #2

    Default

    To some degree, this happens to most couples over time, but it shouldn't at age 27. I think you need to do some soul searching and try to find reasons for the lack of physical attraction. If it means going to a counselor, I think it would be worth the expense.

    Normally I wouldn't suggest this, but do you think it's because you are increasingly attracted to diapers? If so, should you have less sensory stimulation to diapers, such as this site and others? I would suggest that your relationship with your wife should be of primary importance.

    Are you working more and getting less sleep? That can have a negative effect on relationships. Could you go on some sort of romantic weekend escape? There also are marriage camps, and of course, marriage counselors. You simply need to find ways to bring romance and some eroticism back into your marriage. Is there hetero porn you might enjoy, or even more mainstream but provocative movies? I wish you the best.

  3. #3

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    It can get like that, fire up the relationship, surprise her with flowers / candy.
    Life can get dull, and you can fall in a rut. If you can think of things you both can enjoy do it, as the relationship builds so will the closeness. Yes, this may be a time to let the diapers take a back seat. You are to young to be acting like a 50 year old couple, work on it, its worth it.

  4. #4

    Default

    Thank you for the thoughtful responses!

    I know this shouldn't be happening at the tender age of 27, but, in all honesty, I have always felt older than I actually am. (As odd as this sounds, when I'm in adult mode, I feel mid-50's; when I'm regressing, I'm 4/5. I go big or go home ...I guess.) My habits are mostly that of an older soul, but thankfully, so are those of my wife. We have done the counseling thing, but it's really gone nowhere. Nothing negative realized, but just nothing altogether. She (the counselor) can't make heads or tails of it.

    As for my AB-side, I really don't partake in it too much, no more than I usually have. I can only really do it when she's out of the house. In fact, as of late, my interest has been waning a bit, but this other issue hasn't improved any. I haven't delved much deeper into being an AB either; the last thing I bought were some cloth diapers a few months ago. So, I don't feel any increasing attraction to AB-ism: it's just holding steady.

    I'm a terrible worker; I practically sleep while there. :P

    I just feel like I want to be alone. She wants kids and the thought of that frightens that hell out of me, mostly because I worry if my being an AB will make me a less effective father. I sometimes wonder if I'm just supposed to face the world on my own. I've always been a fan of solitude. Being alone would be tough and there would be no going back, but I wonder...

  5. #5

    Default

    No one is a bigger diaper lover than me and I had three kids. It is a big step, but liking diapers won't affect you parenting abilities. Our kids were the best thing to happen to me, and as you may know, I lived my entire life in college in a gay relationship. It could be that the anxiety of having kids is what is interfering. The brain does strange things when it tries to cope with stress.

  6. #6
    acorn

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by onecho View Post
    I just feel like I want to be alone. She wants kids and the thought of that frightens that hell out of me, mostly because I worry if my being an AB will make me a less effective father. I sometimes wonder if I'm just supposed to face the world on my own. I've always been a fan of solitude. Being alone would be tough and there would be no going back, but I wonder...
    You are saying two things here; 1/ You feel you want to be alone, 2/ She wants children. This begs me to ask if these points are related or not?

    As far as having children goes, yes it is a big deal emotionally. Your being an AB will not enter the equation whatsoever. What will hit you, will be the responsibility of providing for your new arrival. The full impact may not be until you meet your child face to face. You will be a busy bee around the time of the birth, your brain will assuredly be up your ass. You will remember to make all the phone calls, as I did. My mother in-law always delights in telling everyone, while I remembered to phone her I could not recall her name during the conversation (Cow, see I remember now). There is no magical time to bring children into the world, but a precondition would be a stable relationship with your wife. I don't think there is any right thinking father, who did not have self doubts at some point in time.

  7. #7

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    Once you become a father the self doubts never end even after the children are grown and moved out of the house.

    The feeling of wanting to be alone is often referred to as being a loner, you are your own best friend, you dislike the company of others. I know what that is like I have been a loner all my life and I was the 3rd oldest of 10.
    I am a member of 3 different clubs, love each club activities, just hate being there with all the others. Prefere my own company in a crowd.

    Feelings of never wanting to do it again, well that comes with age and hormones changes in each sex. Your still young enough but it does happen to the younger crowd every now and again. BTDT still suffering from lack of sex drive.

    Just my humble rambling thoughts on this matter.

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by onecho View Post
    I just feel like I want to be alone. She wants kids and the thought of that frightens that hell out of me, mostly because I worry if my being an AB will make me a less effective father. I sometimes wonder if I'm just supposed to face the world on my own. I've always been a fan of solitude. Being alone would be tough and there would be no going back, but I wonder...
    Hey, I have 4 kids. Having kids is the best thing I ever did. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love being a dad. I know it's not for everyone but it can be really, really great. There are tons of people on here with kids and I think having an AB perspective could actually help you understand your kids better.

    It sounds to me like you might be suffering from depression. Are you depressed? All of the symptoms you are describing (lack of sexual desire, want of solitude, diminished AB desires) and your general tone make it sound like you are depressed. If that's the case, then I would suggest you focus on that and try to find the root cause. Your wife is going to be seriously hurting and will feel rejected so you might want to make an extra effort to show her affection, even if you don't feel like it. There are chemical reactions that happen in the body brought on by physical intimacy that can help improve depression, even if it doesn't feel like it. It's still important to go through the motions. I could be wrong here and I'm no psychologist but just trying to help.

    Good luck.

  9. #9

    Default

    I had something similar happen to me too... I lost all interest in being intimate, even being "intimate" with myself. At 20 years old, I know that isn't normal. Here's what happened:

    -lost all interest in intimacy, but started needing to be little more and more
    and at the same time,
    - failed out of school, lost my job, was dumped by my then bf, was dealing with my dumbbutt father, moved back in with my bi-polar/severely depressed mother, and had creditors calling me every 5 minutes demanding money...

    After the holidays, my now Daddy/bf asked me out and I still wasn't able to be intimate. A few months passed and things started to settle and clear. Now, i've been little lately, but the need for intimacy has come back. I'm less stressed now and it seems the physical and mental blocks that I had are now gone.


    I know being little and wanting to wear, for most people, is a stress reliever. Sometimes diving into it and needing that state more and more is a sign that there's something going on in our lives that is causing distress and we need to escape. If you can figure out if there's something like that going on in your life (maybe the pressure of your wife wanting kids conflicting with your fear of having kids??), and solve that problem, the intimacy might come back.

    Until then, know that being affectionate and being intimate are two different things. Until you are ready for the intimate part, try the affectionate part. Flowers, making dinner, going on a "date" or sending her a card to her work- whatever sappy thing you know she'll love. That makes the soul-searching a little less stressful on her...

    Hope this helps

  10. #10

    Default

    Sounds like maybe your lack of desire to become a parent could be driving your feelings more than your AB side. Being an AB will not hurt your ability to be a good parent. I have raised 7 kids and have been into diapers since age 6. I think my young side is what made me such a good parent and able to understand the kids so well.

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