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Thread: Advice on dating / romantic relations?

  1. #1

    Default Advice on dating / romantic relations?

    So, dating. Not a subject I'm overly found of bringing up, but looks like I'm in a bit of a "let's confront things I don't like" mode lately, so might as well address this.

    I'm 19, but I honestly feel like the average 12 year old has more dating experience that I have. The most I've ever done romantically is hold hands - I've had a few puppy (no pun intended) crushes here and there, but they where all of rather short duration. This is getting especially depressing for me as I'm transitioning from a stage in life where friends in a romantic relationship where an oddity to a stage where friends in a relationship seem to be the norm. Seriously, I might have my math wrong, but most of the people I'm close to (IRL or online) seem to be in a fairly steady relationship.

    This has been a source of frustration for me. I'm generally in a spot I'm happy with in life; my (non-existent) romantic life is the biggest and most glaring exception. It's starting to get to a point where it's making me uncomfortable, as in others bringing up the subject of relationships (even when it's completely unrelated to me, which is the case every time it's brought up anyway ) makes me uncomfortable. As to why it makes me uncomfortable, I'd say it's fear, really. Thinking about the subject forces me to confront my fear that I'll simply never be in a steady relationship (or a relationship period). I guess jealousy and desperation are also starting to creep in. Now, I don't need to be reminded that fear, jealousy and desperation are pretty big red flags in potential partners (certainly not things I'd mention on a dating site profile ^^') however denying that those feelings are starting to creep in won't do anything to make them go away, hence I think it's not constructive to trick myself (or others) into thinking everything is fine and dandy for me on that front.

    If it was simply my lack of dating experience, I don't think I'd feel this way. I'd probably get a friend to teach me how to pick up chicks/boys in bars and that would be the end of it. However, it goes a bit deeper than this, and even beyond the whole ABDL aspect. The standard dating advice for an ABDL seems to be to find a mate in some otherwise "normal" way and then incorporate AB and/or DL stuff into the relationship depending on how comfortable your mate is with them - otherwise just do those things alone while maintaining a normal (romantic and sexual) relation with your mate. Here is where what is arguably the biggest complication comes in: I've never been sexually attracted to anyone. Which means that I heavily suspect that I'm in some way asexual (or some related sexual "orientation", let's not get hung up on the schematics).

    That, in my opinion, is a much bigger roadblock that my fetishes in getting involved in traditional dating scenes. I mean, here is a scenario: I start dating a boy/girl I get along with really well. Things are going well, we're madly in love and all that jazz. Then as it starts to get serious, I tell him/her that, not only am I into diapers, being babied, BDSM and other stuff, but I also don't find him/her (or anybody else, to be fair) to be sexually attractive and I really don't have any intention of ever having sex with them, and that even if I do I most likely will not actually enjoy it, though I might enjoy it if there is a heavy amount of BDSM/domination related foreplay (the details of which I feel might be beyond the scope of this site). Ya, good luck with that. My impression is that sex is about as appealing to me as diapers are to the general population, I guess I could do it but I doubt I'd feel any pleasure from it. In fact, I see sex as being a bit icky, to be honest.

    And to make things even better, I'm not looking for a purely platonic relationship. I mean, I'm not looking for a relationship that doesn't have any sexual stuff involved, it's just that sex is not one of the things that enters my personal definition of personal stuff, if that makes sense. As for why I feel dating random people just to gain experience is not an option, I'd feel rather dishonest leading on people while knowing full well that I intend to break up with them after having a bit of fun and gaining some experience. Seems like a really douche thing to do.
    Oh, there is also the extremely non-trivial matter of finding someone that I want to be with, beyond the sexual side. Which, ya know, is even more important (a lot more important, really). The problem is that the sex side of the equation cuts out the vast majority of people I'd be compatible with on the personality side, thus giving me an extremely shallow pool of potential partners to draw from. Hence, despair

    Anyway, that's my current situation. The reason I'm writing this is because I figured becoming scared, jealous, desperate and bitter regardings relationships isn't exactly healthy, so I want to do something about my complete lack of dating experience (and my complete lack of sexual experience too, tbh). To give you an idea of where I'm starting from, I currently don't feel comfortable hugging people, nor have I ever cuddled someone romantically. So ya, I have work to do... and I intend to work on it, I'm just not quite sure where to start. Really, any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated, though I do have some more specific questions:

    • For those that are not asexual: how would you feel about dating someone that does not enjoy sexual relations and that does not find you attractive sexually (I'm not asking that in hopes of finding someone, rather I'd like to have a general idea of the views of non-asexual on the matter, to get an idea of whether that's a full no-no for most people or if there is room for compromise).
    • For anyone that is asexual: any success stories relationship wise? Any words of advice?
    • When dealing with a local kink scene, any advice on how to gain some experience while (hopefully) avoiding creeps?
    • Any general tips on where to start looking (keeping in mind I find online/long distance dating to be rather unappealing) would be welcomed.

    Thanks in advance for any advice

    tl;dr: I think I'm asexual, I've never really been romantically involved with anyone and I really, really want that to change. Any advice appreciated.

  2. #2


    There is nothing wrong with dating random people just to have a bit of fun. In alot of ways, thats the healthy thing to do. Date someone casually who you think might be good company. It may develop from there and it may not, and if it does, you may find that there is a sexual spark there that you didn't see at first. In this day and age it's easy to get lost thinking that everyone should be lusting after everyone, but sex for a great many people is still about intimacy and trust.

    There are lots of people that are not asexual that date someone for the fun of it and then break up because there is not sexual chemistry. They may stay friends or not, but it's not strange or selfish.

    I also see that you put online dating with long distance relationships, and I would just like to add that I think the internet is a great way to meet people. It's jsut not always the best way to have a relationship. When I was online dating, I tried to do the "meet in person" thing within about two weeks of chatting. Nothing more then coffee or a drink, but if things didn't go offline within a short time, I found that they never would, and that to me was not going to turn into a relationship.

    Just my two cents. I really hope it helps.

  3. #3


    I pretty much know how you feel.
    I have most of the same problems as you... and much more (such as being TG).

    Though I have had three girlfriends in the past, none of those were "normal" relationships. Two of them were online relationships, though one of them lasted for a few years. The "IRL" relationship didn't last much longer than a week.

    My social skills are a joke. I don't even have any friends since graduating high school. I've never been on a date. I've never kissed nor been kissed. I've never had sex, but I don't really want to anyway. (I suppose I do have a bunch of "kinks" though) I think I'd rather have a girlfriend, but a boyfriend could be fine too, maybe. I can't quite say I don't like to be touched though. I'd love to cuddle or hug, but there just isn't anyone in my life for that to happen.

    Oh, I don't have a job, I don't have my own place (not even my own room), and I don't drive (yet?). I don't see how I can take care of any of that in my current state though. I could get a license, but I wouldn't be able to afford my own car, gas, insurance, etc. My family would triple their nagging that I should get a job (which I don't feel up to). So none of that helps.

    I wish I had some advice for you, but I need advice myself too. You'll probably have better luck than me. I sometimes feel like I should just accept that I'll be alone forever. But I guess there's always some small bit of hope?
    Last edited by ShippoFox; 26-Apr-2011 at 04:17.

  4. #4


    I'm asexual and I've never been on a date. I don't like being touched (That's unrelated to being asexual though) But unlike you, I don't really have any desire to. But I'm also aromantic, and it seems as if you are not which is why you desire such things. I'd like to experience them one day, but just to see what it's like and not of any real interest. But I really don't like the idea of casual dating. Dates are supposed to be with people that you really like. If you don't really like them, then you're just friends.

    I was in a relationship that lasted several years, tried some minor things, but nothing major and no full-blown sex. We never went on a date. Our relationship was more of a friendship, but that friendship was and still is extremely close and loving.

    I don't really understand the whole concept of dating and sex, it makes no sense to me. So I'm not a good person to ask about such things. It bothers me only because I want to be as helpful as I can in peoples lives, and often I am capable of giving good insight and advice about nearly anything. Relationships and the trouble that comes with them is one thing that I am unable to help with. A lot of times though, people seem to depress themselves about not having a relationship. I think that everyone can find someone if they keep an eye out for it. But be warned that a typical relationship can suck away a lot of your time and energy (and money if you're a guy) and may end up leaving you devistated. But can also provide comfort and happiness. Though I don't think a relationship can provide anything that a close friendship cannot (except sex, but asexuals don't care about that)

  5. #5


    I'm basically in the same situation as you. 19 single, haven't been in any relationship that went further than kissing/holding hands.

    I don't really find too many people sexually attractive and the ones I do are typically already taken.
    If I was actively looking for a GF I have somewhat high standards for my lack of experience. I'm also not the biggest on drinking/parties and such so I don't really have that as a medium to find a GF.

  6. #6


    I can't echo what my article on this very subject talks about so instead I'm left with no other option but to point you in the direction of it. Just click that number under my name. Feel free to ask any questions if I left anything out you might personally be struggling with.

  7. #7


    Because of the asexuality, I can say from experience that this is a highly unusual spot where normal relationship advice isn't necessarily applicable. I will say that statik's article is probably very good general advice, but there are clearly also additional factors at play with asexual relationships which need to be addressed beyond that of a normal relationship. Having talked to you a bit over IRC about this (and highlighting some similarities in our cases), I can say that I'd also be interested in a good answer to this question.

    I should point out that I identify as an aromantic asexual. This generally implies that I don't find people either sexually attractive, or get attracted to them romantically - I've quite literally never fallen in love. This doesn't mean that the inherent idea of a close personal relationship with someone doesn't hold any appeal to me, and indeed I've at times lost sleep over the fact that there's an intense social need that we're wired to desire which I'm absolutely missing, and have no clear way to seek. I can also relate to the jealously and the longing; when other people have something you want, something you so fundamentally want, it's probably inevitable.

    I wonder if it might help if you'd describe your "puppy crushes" a little more. What attracted you to those relationships? Do you fall in love, and if so, what do you think causes it? Which of the terms heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, or aromantic (or even something else) fits you best?

    Asexual is a broad catch-all category for a lot of low-prevalence niches. The niche you occupy is your starting place for how you'd pursue any kind of relationship.

    Here is a really good thread started by a romantic asexual regarding the relationship issues he ran into as a result of his asexuality:
    Here is a thread started by LuvsGurl expressing the problems from her side as a sexual partner after finding out that her partner (Darkfinn) was asexual:
    Finally, this kind of question may well get a better answer on the major asexuality forum AVEN:
    Last edited by Fruitkitty; 26-Apr-2011 at 07:00.

  8. #8


    I'm in the same situation.

    I'm 18 now, and I have never, ever felt sexual attraction to another person. I've never been in anything even resembling a romantic or intimate relationship with another person. It's frustrating, too, because I've known various people who'd probably have dated me if I'd asked them, but I simply feel no desire to do so. It's not really that the thought of dating doesn't appeal to me, as I'd welcome a close relationship with someone, but the expectation is that an intimate relationship will be accompanied, eventually, by sex - something that does not appeal to me at all. I quite like the idea of being close to someone, but it just doesn't seem that it's possible to keep it at just that.

    So, yeah, I'm most likely asexual - I came to that conclusion several years ago. In reality, it's probably more stressful than being an ab/dl, for at least ab/dl's who experience normal sexual attraction (or even homosexual attraction) have the opportunity to marry someone and live life with a partner. That's really what worries me the most, that I'll be single for the rest of my life. It's even worse because the idea of eventually having kids does appeal to me, but the act of sex simply does not.

    It's just..odd, when the thought of diapers and regression can turn you on, but the thought of sex cannot.

  9. #9


    Quote Originally Posted by LazyAB View Post
    In reality, it's probably more stressful than being an ab/dl, for at least ab/dl's who experience normal sexual attraction (or even homosexual attraction) have the opportunity to marry someone and live life with a partner. That's really what worries me the most, that I'll be single for the rest of my life.
    This. A thousand times this.

    Thank-you for noting this - I've definitely said things to this extent elsewhere on ADISC, and I wish I'd thought to mention it here, because it's the crux of the issue. The problems people have accepting AB/DLism are significant and cannot be glossed over, but the realizations of asexuality can easy be a magnitude harder to grapple with than even that.

  10. #10


    Although I'm not asexual, I was in the same position when I was around 20. I was questioning the importance of having a relationship and having sex. I was seriously thinking I was going to be single for the rest of my life and was getting ok with the idea. When I would go to parties, I would only socialise with my own friends and shy away from talking with the opposite sex for fear of reaffirming what I already knew if I got rejected; I was better off alone and I will always be. It also didn't help that my friends were getting into steady relationships and bragging about their sexual exploits. I was also looking at the up side, I could be diapered all the time and really satiate my DL side.

    All of a sudden, my outlook changed.
    I was very lucky to meet somebody who I've been with for the last 2.5 years. We built our relationship on honesty and trust, communication and most importantly love. We initially met through a mutual friend, and we dated for a year before we decided to move in together. I got up the guts to explain to her my DLism, the first, and so far only person I've told. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I wanted to make sure that there would be no nasty surprises. It turned out to be one of the best things I've ever done, because I think a big part of being an AB/DL is getting acceptance, from yourself but also from those around you. When you can find somebody who loves you in your entirety and understands who you are, it reaffirms your love for that person. All I'm trying to say is, don't despair, there's somebody out there for all of us, even for people who like diapers.

    You can really approach this two ways, you can continue to wait until somebody comes along (I think I just got really lucky) or go out and find a mate. My first suggestion is, if sex isn't a priority, take it slow. Find somebody who shares the same basic interests as you do. Don't take offence to this, for a 19 year old you sound very mature and thoughtful in your posts, perhaps it's those same personality traits you would like in your mate. I know that satisfying your kink is important because it usually takes two (or more) to satisfy them, maybe finding somebody you can trust telling your fantasies and utmost secrets to your priority, like as you said, so you don't scare him or her off when you actually decide to tell.

    I wish you the best of luck, and remember there's lots of fish in the sea!!!
    Last edited by pldc; 26-Apr-2011 at 14:31.

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