So, dating. Not a subject I'm overly found of bringing up, but looks like I'm in a bit of a "let's confront things I don't like" mode lately, so might as well address this.
I'm 19, but I honestly feel like the average 12 year old has more dating experience that I have. The most I've ever done romantically is hold hands - I've had a few puppy (no pun intended) crushes here and there, but they where all of rather short duration. This is getting especially depressing for me as I'm transitioning from a stage in life where friends in a romantic relationship where an oddity to a stage where friends in a relationship seem to be the norm. Seriously, I might have my math wrong, but most of the people I'm close to (IRL or online) seem to be in a fairly steady relationship.
This has been a source of frustration for me. I'm generally in a spot I'm happy with in life; my (non-existent) romantic life is the biggest and most glaring exception. It's starting to get to a point where it's making me uncomfortable, as in others bringing up the subject of relationships (even when it's completely unrelated to me, which is the case every time it's brought up anyway ) makes me uncomfortable. As to why it makes me uncomfortable, I'd say it's fear, really. Thinking about the subject forces me to confront my fear that I'll simply never be in a steady relationship (or a relationship period). I guess jealousy and desperation are also starting to creep in. Now, I don't need to be reminded that fear, jealousy and desperation are pretty big red flags in potential partners (certainly not things I'd mention on a dating site profile ^^') however denying that those feelings are starting to creep in won't do anything to make them go away, hence I think it's not constructive to trick myself (or others) into thinking everything is fine and dandy for me on that front.
If it was simply my lack of dating experience, I don't think I'd feel this way. I'd probably get a friend to teach me how to pick up chicks/boys in bars and that would be the end of it. However, it goes a bit deeper than this, and even beyond the whole ABDL aspect. The standard dating advice for an ABDL seems to be to find a mate in some otherwise "normal" way and then incorporate AB and/or DL stuff into the relationship depending on how comfortable your mate is with them - otherwise just do those things alone while maintaining a normal (romantic and sexual) relation with your mate. Here is where what is arguably the biggest complication comes in: I've never been sexually attracted to anyone. Which means that I heavily suspect that I'm in some way asexual (or some related sexual "orientation", let's not get hung up on the schematics).
That, in my opinion, is a much bigger roadblock that my fetishes in getting involved in traditional dating scenes. I mean, here is a scenario: I start dating a boy/girl I get along with really well. Things are going well, we're madly in love and all that jazz. Then as it starts to get serious, I tell him/her that, not only am I into diapers, being babied, BDSM and other stuff, but I also don't find him/her (or anybody else, to be fair) to be sexually attractive and I really don't have any intention of ever having sex with them, and that even if I do I most likely will not actually enjoy it, though I might enjoy it if there is a heavy amount of BDSM/domination related foreplay (the details of which I feel might be beyond the scope of this site). Ya, good luck with that. My impression is that sex is about as appealing to me as diapers are to the general population, I guess I could do it but I doubt I'd feel any pleasure from it. In fact, I see sex as being a bit icky, to be honest.
And to make things even better, I'm not looking for a purely platonic relationship. I mean, I'm not looking for a relationship that doesn't have any sexual stuff involved, it's just that sex is not one of the things that enters my personal definition of personal stuff, if that makes sense. As for why I feel dating random people just to gain experience is not an option, I'd feel rather dishonest leading on people while knowing full well that I intend to break up with them after having a bit of fun and gaining some experience. Seems like a really douche thing to do.
Oh, there is also the extremely non-trivial matter of finding someone that I want to be with, beyond the sexual side. Which, ya know, is even more important (a lot more important, really). The problem is that the sex side of the equation cuts out the vast majority of people I'd be compatible with on the personality side, thus giving me an extremely shallow pool of potential partners to draw from. Hence, despair
Anyway, that's my current situation. The reason I'm writing this is because I figured becoming scared, jealous, desperate and bitter regardings relationships isn't exactly healthy, so I want to do something about my complete lack of dating experience (and my complete lack of sexual experience too, tbh). To give you an idea of where I'm starting from, I currently don't feel comfortable hugging people, nor have I ever cuddled someone romantically. So ya, I have work to do... and I intend to work on it, I'm just not quite sure where to start. Really, any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated, though I do have some more specific questions:
- For those that are not asexual: how would you feel about dating someone that does not enjoy sexual relations and that does not find you attractive sexually (I'm not asking that in hopes of finding someone, rather I'd like to have a general idea of the views of non-asexual on the matter, to get an idea of whether that's a full no-no for most people or if there is room for compromise).
- For anyone that is asexual: any success stories relationship wise? Any words of advice?
- When dealing with a local kink scene, any advice on how to gain some experience while (hopefully) avoiding creeps?
- Any general tips on where to start looking (keeping in mind I find online/long distance dating to be rather unappealing) would be welcomed.
Thanks in advance for any advice
tl;dr: I think I'm asexual, I've never really been romantically involved with anyone and I really, really want that to change. Any advice appreciated.