Like most people here, I have often wondered why a healthy, normal person would have a desire to wear diapers. We surmise that it had something to do with events in our childhood, although the exact circumstance is hard to pinpoint. I know this... I had a very abusive mother, and a stepdad that was rarely around. I'm quite certain my mother hated me, I was the product of a short fling she had with a man that left her immediately after finding out she was pregnant. Probably some guy she met in a bar, I never knew who he was. This was in the early 60's, and prior to that she had divorced her 1st husband, and already had my older brother and sister. Abortion wasn't an option back then, although she reminded me on several occassions that if it had been, I wouldn't be here.
One thing my mother enjoyed was humiliating me any chance she could. I was often placed in diapers and plastic pants for the least little infraction until I entered school. I was made to use them as a baby would, I can vividly remember trying to hold everything in, hoping she would let me out of them in time and I could be a big boy. (It wasn't until years later that I figured out she would only take them off of me AFTER I had humiliated myself.) I would plead with her to let me use the toilet, and all she would say is "when you stop acting like a baby, then you can go back to using the bathroom". She cursed like a sailor, calling me names like "shitty britches" and "shit pants". When I could no longer hold it in, I had to let her know, and was made to squat in front of her as I felt the horrible mess fill the seat of my diapers. She had this smirk on her face, and would tell me thats all I was, a dirty stinky baby, and was made to sit in it until she could no longer tolerate the smell, usually only a few minutes. I can remember the cigarette hanging from her mouth as she would unpin the diaper and cleaning me up before sending me to take a bath.
I don't understand how anyone could get any kind of pleasure out of making their child feel that kind of embarrassment, maybe it made her feel like she was in control. I never even thought about diapers again until I hit puberty, not sure what aroused the desire, but I can remember pinning on an old towel and cutting holes in the bottom corners of a trash bag and pulling it on like plastic pants before wetting them. As the years went by I did this in private for many years, got on with my life, got married, had children of my own, and rarely indulged in this. I hid these desires from my wife the whole time, unfortunately after 10 years we divorced.
A few years later I met a woman that I felt I could open up to, and it was only because she loved having her breasts sucked on, it was "stimulating" for her. After educating her on what a DL is, she seemed accepting of it, and after a while even encouraged me to use them while I was at her breast. I don't need to fill in all the details but lets just say I felt like I was very blessed for a couple of years. As luck would have it, she also drank a little more than I was comfortable with, and would become very demeaning at times, so we split up.
I don't know why I would have a desire to do something I found terribly humiliating when I was young, I just don't understand the physcology of it at all. I hate myself for it sometimes. I think I have spent my entire life looking for a loving, nurturing mother type figure, someone who loves me for me. I am told that I am a passonate and unselfish lover, and I know that I would spoil her to no end if I found that special someone who wouldn't mind indulging me on occassion. I think I'm just going to have to settle for being single the rest of my life. Fortunately I AM blessed with many friends, don't have a single problem getting a date, but I have to face the reality that I shouldn't drag someone else through this.
Wow, I've been holding this inside for so long, it feels good to get it off my chest!