Hello good people,
In the last couple of months, my life changed quite a lot. I managed to earn a rep at the talent show at school and managed to get on local tv (won't go into too much detail).
This is what goes before the main subject (my problem):
So, she knows about my interest in AB/DLism...
The other day, me and my girlfriend were talking about reading. Now, being partially sighted I can't read from paper - as in normal books, forms, magazines, all of it is impossible for me. I told her that I used to love reading before I became partially sighted. She proposed to read for me.
All good and well, but as I've had times before this, with her, it unlocked something in me that I thought I did not have inside of me.
This particular 'scenario' started to pop up.
This is kind of what it looked like in my mind:
She'd put me in bed, and I'd be diapered up, wearing a onesie over it, kind of like that. She'd sit next to me and I'd lie my head upon her breasts, or I'd curl up and snuggle up tightly against her. The reading is optional. I would close my eyes and fall asleep with an ultimately peaceful, comfortable, safe and protected feeling, and wake up the same way.
She kind of knows what it looks like, but only a very minuscule glimpse of it. A while ago, when we were alone at her place, we were lying on her bed, cuddling and all. For some reason I felt like I wanted to suck on her boobs. I still don't completely get it, but somehow she got the hint. We initially agreed upon keeping it for later, but only a few moments later she asked if I wanted to try it right there, right then. I agreed, she took one of her boobs out of her bra (because I was too nervous to do it), and I did what I wanted. I kept it up for about 15 minutes.
She told me that she was delighted to see me being that happy. I felt a bit awkward, since I never imagined it would make me that happy as I was then.
In the end she was cool with it and I got to do it again later.
What I told her later is at that time I felt very relaxed. I had that feeling as if there was no crazy scary world out there, just us. I felt safe with her, protected, far, far away from bad and evil. I told her I truly felt like a little kid. Which she understood (somewhere on the day it happened she also said she kind of felt like a mother).
I've talked to her about this tonight. She said she could do one of two things - accept that I have this, and keep going as it is now, or go for the confrontation. Confrontation as in me, acting out that scenario that played back in my mind. All 'dressed up', the mood, the atmosphere, the feeling, everything.
This is where things kind of clashed. She is afraid that this part of me would grow immensely - whether I'd act it out or not. The other thing was that if I really wanted it, and she wouldn't, that I would have to look for somebody that would be into this.
I explicitly told her that I do not want to lose her, especially for such a small part of me. The thought of living without her hurts, a lot.
She's being very clear about all this, but she hasn't made up her mind about wanting the confrontation or not. Point is that me acting it out is one thing, and her being an active part of it is something else entirely.
I'm not sure what I'm capable of doing, as my mind can be unpredictable and I never know what can happen. I'm very, very fearful of this part of me clashing with her not wanting the confrontation and the participation, and driving us apart - which is honestly, the last thing I want.
What I can say is that this feeling - as is another feeling which I will not elaborate on - only occurs sometimes, periodically if you will. Sometimes my mind canbe full of it, and sometimes I can completely forget about it.
Maybe it'll go away, maybe it won't.
But there has to be something that can be done, I don't know what.
I need some help and insight - which I hope you great people can give me.
If you got this far, I thank you very much for hanging on for the long read.
If you comment on this, I'm very grateful - I feel somewhat lost and uncertain, and afraid too.