This started out as an idea for an article, but in the end it's more of a forum post I think. It's all about how I started on my way to being an AB/DL, and the binge/ guilty purge cycles throughout my earlier years.
How I started out
I distinctly remember the very first day I started on my way to being an abdl.. It was an early pre-summer school day in the 6th grade. My mom and younger brother always left the house earlier than me in the mornings. School was about a 10 minute walk away, so I would hang out at the house as long as I could before heading off to school. As was my routine every morning, I hit the bathroom quickly before I made my way out. This one day though, I got in there and completely out of the blue I had a sudden urge to wet my pants... Which I did. Right onto the bathroom floor.
The First Purge
I panicked. To this day I have no idea why I did it or if anything triggered it. I remember being in control yet I couldn't stop myself. It has never happened to me like that since that one morning. I quickly cleaned up the floor, ran to my room, stuffed the jeans in a plastic bag, got changed and went off to school. That night when I went for my nightly shower, I took my pants in with me and washed them down. I snuck them back into my room and hung them up t dry. And that was the end of that for a long while. I didn't think about the incident or have any interest in wetting for quite some time. Eventually though I was hit with the urge again, the second time being at night this time. Before my nightly shower I wore a pair of my swimming shorts under my clothes and went in to shower like normal. I turned the water on and aimed the shower head at the wall so I wouldn't get wet, but so I could stand in the tub and have the water mask any noise I happened to make while I was doing what I was doing. This time when I flooded my shorts I was a bit more prepared. As soon as I was done though, I felt instantly ashamed of what Id done. I felt really perverted and weird and wondered what was wrong with me. As with the first incident, I washed up my swim shorts and hid them in my closet to dry. I did this night time shower wetting thing a few times, but it generally was a rare occurrence... Once a month tops for a couple of years. I remember distinctly trying to convince myself that I'd just dreamt the whole thing up. It sounds stupid now, but I tried to really convince myself that I was just dreaming these 'mishaps'. I went so far as to hide the shorts in a way that I wouldn't accidentally stumble upon them and remember. I'm sure you know my attempts at training myself to forget were not very successful. I was definitely fighting against it. This was all pre-internet for me, so I had no where to turn to and find out what I was doing. After fighting the urges as best I could for a few years, it almost worked... by the time highschool came around, my interest in wetting had almost completely gone away. I probably acted on urges a half dozen or so times between 8th and 11th grade. A pretty long purge cycle by any abdl's standards.
It returns: The Binge
Then in the 11th grade I started drinking beer at parties. I've never been a hard-core 'drink until I black out' type of drinker, but I'd have a few at my buddies parents house and just generally have a good time. After the parties I would walk home, which were about a 30-40 minute walk . One of these nights as I was walking home by myself and with slightly buzzed thoughts running through my head, I thought about my previous wetting incident. Then I had a thought... I walk right by a 7-11 on my way home, and I can buy baby diapers there! My adrenaline kicked in a little and I picked up my pace. I was pretty buzzed, so I don't remember much shyness when I went in. I just went in, grabbed a pack, and took them home. I already needed to 'beer pee' pretty bad, but instead of going behind a tree or something I decided to 'save it' for home. As soon as I got home I went to my room, opened the pack up and frantically tried to figure out how to put one on. I wasn't expecting anything that smelt like babypowder (Pampers), but it took my right back to being a kid. They didn't fit sadly, but I had to go really badly and I just stuffed it in my underwear and flooded. I can't remember if it leaked or what, but I hid the used diaper in my closet, stuffed a clean one in my underwear an went to bed. I remember waking up the next morning with a 'shame over', and I had a mini heart-attack when I realized I had fallen asleep with a diaper in my underwear. (It felt like such a scary and stupid risk). I had so much fun that, I used every opportunity over the next week or so to wear and wet them. I quickly ran out. This was my first large 'binge' session, ending my epic multi-year 'purge' session where I went so far as to try and convince myself it was all in my head.
That's the funny thing with binge and purge cycles. For me I went for a very long time without even thinking about diapers to going all out and wearing/wetting every day until I ran out of supplies. Many other AB/DL's have similar stories. Their interest in diapers can ebb and flow week to week or month to month. I used to feel guilty and perverted and like a 'freak' during and after wearing/wetting. It was a rush while I was 'playing', but was always followed quickly by shame. The first time I ever realized I wasn't completely alone in this was the infamous Jerry Springer episode with the adult babies. Watching that episode scared me and made me want to give it all up more than ever. I wanted NO part of that. It wasn't until several years later when I had decent access to the internet that I found there were individuals that were more in line with how I liked to behave called 'diaper lovers'. (These days I admittedly embrace my AB side a bit more). Lesson learner: Jerry Springer is not the best place to get your info.
Finding a balance
These days I can go for weeks without a single thought about wearing a diaper, then one night I will get the urge and I may wear diapers for a few days in a row. I think I have a healthy balance at the moment, and I like it that way. There are some out there that make diapers a bit too big a part of their lives in my opinion. It's all about getting a bit of balance and not letting any one thing dominate the rest of your life. Most times I will put the diapers away if I have a chance to go spend a night out with friends. I will admit though that once in a long while all I really want is a diapered up night alone playing video games.
Is it possible to purge completely?
Some people suggest that they find they find themselves in a binge cycle more when they have a lot of stress going on it their lives. For me, it's not so much when I'm stressed out as much as it is when I have been working long hours and am full-body tired. When I originally wrote this article I was in a full binge cycle. Is it possible to give up diapers completely? I don't know. I sure tried hard for many years when I was younger, but I find I am so much happier having accepted this part of myself. I've never been happier or better off mentally and socially in my life. You can see forums are thick with stories of people trying to purge diapers out of their lives for good, with requests to mods to completely wipe and delete accounts as an effort to sever all ties with diapers and their AB/DLy-ness. Quite often these people return within just a few weeks, burdened even more than before with self-inflicted shame. I find it sad having been there once myself as a younger teenager. All this self-hatred over something that is completely legal, fun, and freeing. If I was given the option to lose all interest in diapers completely with no repercussions or negative impact whatsoever, I can confidently say I would say decline that offer. Diapers are a small but very fun part of my life. And truth be told I like having a secret aspect to my personality; It makes me kinda like Batman.
And that's my story!