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Thread: My start and the binge and purge

  1. #1

    Default My start and the binge and purge

    This started out as an idea for an article, but in the end it's more of a forum post I think. It's all about how I started on my way to being an AB/DL, and the binge/ guilty purge cycles throughout my earlier years.

    How I started out

    I distinctly remember the very first day I started on my way to being an abdl.. It was an early pre-summer school day in the 6th grade. My mom and younger brother always left the house earlier than me in the mornings. School was about a 10 minute walk away, so I would hang out at the house as long as I could before heading off to school. As was my routine every morning, I hit the bathroom quickly before I made my way out. This one day though, I got in there and completely out of the blue I had a sudden urge to wet my pants... Which I did. Right onto the bathroom floor.

    The First Purge

    I panicked. To this day I have no idea why I did it or if anything triggered it. I remember being in control yet I couldn't stop myself. It has never happened to me like that since that one morning. I quickly cleaned up the floor, ran to my room, stuffed the jeans in a plastic bag, got changed and went off to school. That night when I went for my nightly shower, I took my pants in with me and washed them down. I snuck them back into my room and hung them up t dry. And that was the end of that for a long while. I didn't think about the incident or have any interest in wetting for quite some time. Eventually though I was hit with the urge again, the second time being at night this time. Before my nightly shower I wore a pair of my swimming shorts under my clothes and went in to shower like normal. I turned the water on and aimed the shower head at the wall so I wouldn't get wet, but so I could stand in the tub and have the water mask any noise I happened to make while I was doing what I was doing. This time when I flooded my shorts I was a bit more prepared. As soon as I was done though, I felt instantly ashamed of what Id done. I felt really perverted and weird and wondered what was wrong with me. As with the first incident, I washed up my swim shorts and hid them in my closet to dry. I did this night time shower wetting thing a few times, but it generally was a rare occurrence... Once a month tops for a couple of years. I remember distinctly trying to convince myself that I'd just dreamt the whole thing up. It sounds stupid now, but I tried to really convince myself that I was just dreaming these 'mishaps'. I went so far as to hide the shorts in a way that I wouldn't accidentally stumble upon them and remember. I'm sure you know my attempts at training myself to forget were not very successful. I was definitely fighting against it. This was all pre-internet for me, so I had no where to turn to and find out what I was doing. After fighting the urges as best I could for a few years, it almost worked... by the time highschool came around, my interest in wetting had almost completely gone away. I probably acted on urges a half dozen or so times between 8th and 11th grade. A pretty long purge cycle by any abdl's standards.

    It returns: The Binge

    Then in the 11th grade I started drinking beer at parties. I've never been a hard-core 'drink until I black out' type of drinker, but I'd have a few at my buddies parents house and just generally have a good time. After the parties I would walk home, which were about a 30-40 minute walk . One of these nights as I was walking home by myself and with slightly buzzed thoughts running through my head, I thought about my previous wetting incident. Then I had a thought... I walk right by a 7-11 on my way home, and I can buy baby diapers there! My adrenaline kicked in a little and I picked up my pace. I was pretty buzzed, so I don't remember much shyness when I went in. I just went in, grabbed a pack, and took them home. I already needed to 'beer pee' pretty bad, but instead of going behind a tree or something I decided to 'save it' for home. As soon as I got home I went to my room, opened the pack up and frantically tried to figure out how to put one on. I wasn't expecting anything that smelt like babypowder (Pampers), but it took my right back to being a kid. They didn't fit sadly, but I had to go really badly and I just stuffed it in my underwear and flooded. I can't remember if it leaked or what, but I hid the used diaper in my closet, stuffed a clean one in my underwear an went to bed. I remember waking up the next morning with a 'shame over', and I had a mini heart-attack when I realized I had fallen asleep with a diaper in my underwear. (It felt like such a scary and stupid risk). I had so much fun that, I used every opportunity over the next week or so to wear and wet them. I quickly ran out. This was my first large 'binge' session, ending my epic multi-year 'purge' session where I went so far as to try and convince myself it was all in my head.

    That's the funny thing with binge and purge cycles. For me I went for a very long time without even thinking about diapers to going all out and wearing/wetting every day until I ran out of supplies. Many other AB/DL's have similar stories. Their interest in diapers can ebb and flow week to week or month to month. I used to feel guilty and perverted and like a 'freak' during and after wearing/wetting. It was a rush while I was 'playing', but was always followed quickly by shame. The first time I ever realized I wasn't completely alone in this was the infamous Jerry Springer episode with the adult babies. Watching that episode scared me and made me want to give it all up more than ever. I wanted NO part of that. It wasn't until several years later when I had decent access to the internet that I found there were individuals that were more in line with how I liked to behave called 'diaper lovers'. (These days I admittedly embrace my AB side a bit more). Lesson learner: Jerry Springer is not the best place to get your info.

    Finding a balance

    These days I can go for weeks without a single thought about wearing a diaper, then one night I will get the urge and I may wear diapers for a few days in a row. I think I have a healthy balance at the moment, and I like it that way. There are some out there that make diapers a bit too big a part of their lives in my opinion. It's all about getting a bit of balance and not letting any one thing dominate the rest of your life. Most times I will put the diapers away if I have a chance to go spend a night out with friends. I will admit though that once in a long while all I really want is a diapered up night alone playing video games.

    Is it possible to purge completely?

    Some people suggest that they find they find themselves in a binge cycle more when they have a lot of stress going on it their lives. For me, it's not so much when I'm stressed out as much as it is when I have been working long hours and am full-body tired. When I originally wrote this article I was in a full binge cycle. Is it possible to give up diapers completely? I don't know. I sure tried hard for many years when I was younger, but I find I am so much happier having accepted this part of myself. I've never been happier or better off mentally and socially in my life. You can see forums are thick with stories of people trying to purge diapers out of their lives for good, with requests to mods to completely wipe and delete accounts as an effort to sever all ties with diapers and their AB/DLy-ness. Quite often these people return within just a few weeks, burdened even more than before with self-inflicted shame. I find it sad having been there once myself as a younger teenager. All this self-hatred over something that is completely legal, fun, and freeing. If I was given the option to lose all interest in diapers completely with no repercussions or negative impact whatsoever, I can confidently say I would say decline that offer. Diapers are a small but very fun part of my life. And truth be told I like having a secret aspect to my personality; It makes me kinda like Batman.

    And that's my story!


  2. #2


    Very interesting and generally informative post. I myself can relate to you with the binge purge cycle. I am away at college and so the stress of work and school usually makes me all but forget about diapers. On a slow night here and there though I get the most uncontrollable urges... It really is a weird phenomenon. If there isn't a sticky on this topic, I'm sure it could be revised with a bit more information and made into one. Good job.

  3. #3


    I think someone else here is planning on doing an article, so I wanted to post it here in the forums. I think I'm a bit different in as much as I wasn't one of those people that always knew he liked diapers. Mine was like flicking on a switch. Has anyone else had a start like that? Just waking up on day and realizing you like diapers/wetting?

  4. #4


    Great post!!!!! I definitely relate to this. It seems that I can go for a while without a binge but then at random times an urge strikes me. It would be interesting to see if there is any correlation between the urges, if they have a trigger or a connecting element.

  5. #5



    I'm not sure what my triggers are. I know a lot of people claim stress sets off thier urges. For me it's not so much. I know that if I've been working long hours my diaper urges tend to assert itself. I have found that the day after a big night (drinking with buddies) that my diaper interests are often very high. I dont really get hangovers, so maybe thats what I get instead of a headache? There are few things more relaxing than a sunday all diapered up playing video games and watching cartoons.

    If I know I wont get the opportunity to play for a while I get a bit antsy as well.

  6. #6


    squashNstretch, thanks for your great post and very well written story. I realize that a lot of people are reading our posts, even people scared to start to write their own. Therefore, I will place my story here as well, so maybe somebody on our globe find it helpful to accept things better for her/himself or maybe things are recognizable. For me writing my story down has done a great job in accepting myself. OK, here we go! (While reading please do realize that English is not my native language)

    The struggle to explore myself: A true story of a gay Adidas & diaper lover

    #1 Intro
    Started Date of Writing: December 1996, Latest additions: March 2011
    Hello dear reader. My name is Adidas (not my real name), I am a 31 years young gay male. Since I have access to the Internet, the conclusion to what is 'wrong' with me was quickly answered. Scanning for the words 'Sportswear', 'Diapers', etc. gave me the right answer to conclude things for myself. You have to realize that this was a true relief for me. After 4 weeks browsing I decided to start to write down my secret. I was very exited in what is told in the 'fetish.diapers' newsgroup, apart from all the spam, of course. My story will tell you how my diaper fetish started and how I explored myself over the years...
    Note that Diaper Lovers (DL) have NOTHING TO DO with little children, or any kind of pedophilia! I have the opinion that the sexual organs of these people should be chopped off the moment they touch any victim! Reading my story will explain to you that my fetish has nothing to do with pedophilia and I am sure you understand why I mention this.

    #2 Me and my brother
    I was 8 years old at the time when I did not behave well at home anymore. I was kind of jealous on my brother that had all the fun when the family was in. He was one of the kind that was put 'on the table' to have fun with. The family laughed much about him telling 'adult jokes' that he had picked up from someone quickly. Also I was the 'quiet' one at that time. Since he was quicker in picking up things than I did, my father started to have problems with me, including my behaviour. I was kind of ‘slow’ and far behind in my development, my dad thought. The difference in age between my brother and me is about 41⁄2 years. Once we were on a holiday with my parents, my 2 sisters and my brother. I wondered what would happen if I started to pee in my brother’s bed so he would get some punishment. Unfortunately, my father found out that I was the one that did it. (Quantity too big, I guess ;-) A few more things followed rapidly, until the time came that I tried to kick my brother from the stairs... Fortunately nothing really bad has happened! That was the limit. My parents found that it was good to put me away to a kind of boarding school for boys and girls for a few years. (1976) Visiting my parents was allowed once per 2 months! My mom was very unhappy about this situation. My mom was a really close companion with me, and I realize by that time she knew very well why this all had occurred. My father, however, kind of had it with me at that time. He really pushed to send me over to that place. (There definitely was a huge father/son problem)
    This played a big role: A disturbed father and son relationship.
    Page 1

    #3 A new place to go
    This place was -as I can conclude afterwards- a psychological boarding school for children who went 'out of track' a bit, but not too far out of track. (Hey, I am not nuts!!!! :-) I was in there for 21⁄2 years. This boarding school was a kind of therapy school with a primary school attached to it. We were kept busy the whole day, formed in some kind of group with boys and girls of approximately the same age. All kind of 'problem kids’ where in. Some aggressive, some were shy. Some kind of stupid and there was the quiet one, myself. Soon it came out that I had to be the underdog in that group. Fortunately that did not take long. I was able to survive being smart. Just by having a lot of interest in technical things all around me. Other boys found that very interesting. At that time I already knew a lot about basic technical things, far more than the average kid over there. This day people would say: ‘He has got the knack’. A couple of weeks later I was accepted in the group. But still, I was kind of my own in my closeness, my own world. In the school attached to the main boarding school they tried to keep you busy whole day with quite normal primary school things. I was constantly day dreaming... Nothing came out of me.

    #4 Sleeping
    In this boarding school we slept in big bedrooms with 6 beds in each room. It was not allowed to come out at night. At 8.00 PM lights went out. The sleep part of the day had to be done. In the beginning I remember that I cried the whole night for 2 weeks long. I missed my home. At the moments that I could sleep I did wet my bed. Soon a rubber mattress covering was put under my blankets and that was it. Soon I found out that at least 3 of 8 boys did constantly wet their beds. They were at this boarding school far longer than I was. After 4 weeks I started to adjust to the situation. I accepted that I had to stay there for a while... I stopped wetting my bed.
    I found out that my sleeping neighbor was 'moving' each morning, constantly to wet his bed. I was sure he did it on purpose. The staff over there kind of treated him nice. He had this problem you know... Each morning he was wakened up -of course wet- half an hour before us. Then he was able to take an early shower while all other boys -including me- we had to wait until he was finished.

    #5 New friend
    Half a year later I found out that there was one boy in another group with an age of about 2 years older than our group. He was a boy that I found kind of interesting, because he was into technical things too. We started to talk a bit and so. We started to try out technical 'experiments' with electro motors, lamps, etc. The staff found out about our interests and saw that the two of us went well together. Because I was very silent at that time they decided that we better do things together. I started to communicate a bit with people around me more and more. Sport exercises (swimming, etc.), technical stuff, some spare time etc. we were allowed to do things together. I had a new friend. The other stuff, like school and such was separated because of our difference in age. After a while I found out that my new friend had a bladder problem, but I didn't care. I liked him the way he was. Anyway, our interests were the same: Technical stuff.

    #6 Swimming
    Once there was a day that he was scheduled for swimming practice. I never was afraid of water. I loved it! So I asked staff if I could go with him for the first time. It was a small swimming pool under the main building and we could do whatever we wanted to. (The two of us were left alone!) Before that we had to undress and put our swimming briefs on. I saw him wearing sport shorts. There definitely were plastic pants and diapers under them! It looked pretty bulgy. He did not take them off while I had to put on my swimming briefs. We went to the pool edge. Both we jumped in the water. This experience –as a 9 years old- really impressed me... The swimming was wonderful. We had great fun together. There was lead on the bottom. We dove and tried to get it back on the pool edge. Great fun, I remember this as yesterday. But this was the start of my interest in sport shorts, plastic pants and diapers. This must have been the ‘trigger point’. The combination of things did it. The staff caringly was nice towards bedwetters. My friend, and all of the extra attention he got from the staff. And the fact that he was wearing diapers with plastic pants over them. All of this I found very interesting. Normally you forget about this when you see it once, but the whole setting in boarding school did it.

    #7 Primary School
    This boarding school really worked well for me. There was a teacher that really knew me well. Once- while I was day dreaming- he picked me out of the class. I had to learn tables: 1x2=2, 2x2=4 etc. Because of my constant daydreaming I was not able to concentrate myself on these things. Then, totally unexpected, he gave a hit in my face and was very angry at me... He new! (When I am able to find out where to find him now, I will buy him a big bottle of a good Islay Single Malt Scotch Whiskey!) I awoke and started to do the learning of the tables. (I had to!) This went OK pretty well. Besides that, it was sort of technical stuff too! It coped with my interest in things that could move, heat up, switch on/off etc. It went to the math side very quickly! I started to wake up! After that I managed to do 2 years of primary school in 1 year. Not the nitty gritty stuff like rebuses, word games and that crap, but more and more the 'serious' part: calculus and math. They found that my development went on very well. After these 21⁄2 years they let me go tagged as ‘100% OK boy’. Ready to go to a regular primary school.
    This kind of math I learned later when I was 22 or so...

    #8 First experiments
    My parents were moved at the time I came to the regular primary school, so I arrived home into a new neighborhood. I did quite well from that time, but there was no 'diaper' thing happening (did not have the chance) until I started college. I found out that it was nice to wear sport shorts during the day, in bed, and then to wet them. Also, I started to experiment with plastic shopping bags that were big enough to fit. I cut some holes in it for my legs, but they always leaked. I had to be careful in more than this alone: If my father would find out, you can realize what would have happened!! I really believe that he would have smashed me out of the window! Fortunately, I was lucky. The shower & water tap were close by my bedroom. We lived in a pretty big house with a few taps extra.
    Once I was almost caught. With my sport shorts wet under my blankets, my oldest sister came into my room. She was watching a scary movie ('Birds', as I can remember it as it was yesterday) and asked me to come in her room to 'assist' her handling the horror movie. I -fortunately- could keep her off my bed and promised to go to her room as soon as possible. My heart was going bang-bang like crazy. You can imagine my embarrassment. I quickly washed myself in a few seconds and assisted her watching the movie. After a few months 'playing with myself' at night I felt my first ejaculation. A few months later I was jacking myself off in my wetted sport briefs. At that time I was 14 years old. This ritual of making my sport shorts wet continued for a few years. It was easy to clean those shorts and to hide them. The bathroom was easy available, there was good shampoo, soap, washing powder, all I needed to keep my secret. Nobody knew, even my mother did not have the faintest idea, she was kind of too busy with herself.
    Thin milky white plastic and tape: Typical materials I used to create my own plastic pants

    #9 Reset, Start, Reset
    In college I saw my friends meet girls, go out and have fun. I was different. I concluded that my wetting stuff was no good for me and I threw all my sport shorts in the garbage bin, except the one needed for college. (This was a 'boring' blue cloth pair that did not interest me at all, so no risk about getting a hard-on while changing into college gym...) By the way, throwing away all that stuff did not help me to get hooked to 'girls' like all other boys at college. Finishing college, I went to my first serious education: Technical School they call it here. It is a kind of high college, most technical stuff to learn. I really picked it up well, had good results, high interest in learning new things at this school. (Motivation never was an issue) I thought that that was the only thing to take care of, the rest had to wait... Girls did not come into my mind. The only thing that happened is that I looked what kind of shorts were worn during gym and on the streets...
    For myself I had a huge pile of problems to solve:
    • • • •
    I definitely knew I was gay, but I was in a closet with a huge lock on it. I would like to touch other boys with Adidas shorts (and probably do some more ;-) I wanted to wet my stuff, play with plastic, shorts, do ‘my secret’. How the heck do I organize my life to fulfill all of the above?
    Once, my mom bought some pairs of sport shorts for my brother. These were the newer types that had a kind of shiny glance. This really triggered my -not at all- buried fetishism again! I stole one from my brother and was soon wetting it in my bed. It felt so nice to feel the hot wetness into the shorts, especially the elastic around my waste absorbing my pee. My brother did not care about anything. For him these shorts were just gone. At that time at age 15, I started to go into electronics. I had nice tools and stuff. My brother was always looking at/in my belongings when I was away from home. Not hidden the (fortunately clean) shorts away well (in a small box in between tools!) he found them. I did not know until I was confronted with it that same night. The family was sitting in the room before dinner and my brother came in with the shorts to ask why I had it in my drawer...?! I felt very embarrassed about that. My father -who finally liked me better after doing well at school- he took my side: He ordered my brother to put them back and to stay off of my belongings... Until this day I still do not know why his response was like that. After all what has happened, the embarrassment was so hard to accept that I did not like them anyway: I threw these sport shorts away in the bin.
    The fetish stayed, and I was looking around for something comparable, something that I was able to get myself, to buy myself. My gay side still was very much in the closet: I did not dare to share this with anyone. Not even my mom. At the technical school we did gym a few hours in a week. Of course there was the dressing/undressing thing. One guy came in and took off his jeans. There it was: Adidas sport shorts, already worn under his jeans! His underwear was white, kind of bulky and peeked out. His shorts were light blue with white stripes. Immediately it reminded me back to my time at boarding-school, the swim with my friend in diapers, plastic pants with a sport short over it. I could not hold my eyes away from it as I saw the same glance as my brothers sport short: Shiny nylon with 3 stripes! Of course I realized that I had to keep this 'secret' for everyone. One decision was taken: These were the shorts I wanted! These shorts I wanted to have!

    #10 First shorts
    It took me one year to be able to find the nerve to go into a sports store to buy my first Adidas sport shorts. I went in and waited my turn. I asked for the adidas short. The lady came with the regular cotton one that I did not like. "No, I rather have the ones with the glance on it..." In the mean while there was something 'growing' in my pants... I was very exited and embarrassed at the same time. I quickly paid the thing and took off. I really liked these shorts and was able to fulfill my sexual needs with it for the 2 years coming. From my mom I stole the plastic covers that they use to protect clothes from the dry-cleaner. By using some extra underwear I diapered myself, and that was it. Still no girls came in my mind: no playboy, no sex magazines, nothing! There were no computers or internet at that time. Where do you go?
    At age 22 I went to the Higher Technical School (polytechnics school) and had to move away from my parents home to go out to the big city. Not because I wanted that, but they divorced at that time. I had to make a choice anyway, so I decided to rent a student room. With some help of an aunt of mine I found one quickly. After moving to the big city I felt a bit strange: The safe home was gone, but freedom was there! First I started to make a few good friends at my new school. Most of the students went home after school hours, but a few of us had rooms in the city. We cooked, drank beer, had good laughs. This was a great start.
    Within a few months I bought 2 more Adidas sport shorts and started to experiment with all kinds of bags and tape to make my own plastic pants. I arranged to improve them quite well. Sometimes it was really wet all over because of tape quality, and also, once in a while I was disturbed while 'sleeping' in my improvised diaper. I always had a big pair of shorts over it. Fortunately, no one ever found out about my secret. This went on for a while. I was not very careful, but really no one in the house ever found out, although it was hard to clean the ‘Adidas Diaper’ privately and to hide it as well. There were student parties, fun and -of course- the studying. I really had to take good care about the right timing before I could do the ‘wetting’.
    I finished my study at age 26. I immediately started my first job: I became an electronics designer. I rented a students room in the middle of our country. There was no good shower or tap to be able to clean myself. (A simple tap with cold water only was the only thing there was.) After turning down the frequency of my secret activities dramatically, I decided to buy a condominium to try to get more freedom. Sex for me had the same ritual: Put on 2 Adidas shorts (the first one inside-out to feel the nylon really well), pad it well with underwear. Assemble plastic pants and put one large pair of Adidas shorts on top of it, to cover the plastic. First it was very leaky, but soon I found some different materials to really make good plastic pants. With this technique I was able to totally wet the inside contents, as it was a diaper. A small movement was enough to get a hard-on and some more movement gave me the finest ejaculation.

    #11 The Internet
    Because of my engineering skills I did well. Aside all materials and documentation I had, the need to get data 'right onto my desk’ became important. (This is because development in engineering is going fast like hell. You have to keep up with new developments.) I decided to take a private Internet Account. After a few weeks I got my account and found out about the fetish.diaper newsgroup. First I was looking into the ‘water sport’ section. After seeing different pictures from people totally dressed in black latex peeing over each other I concluded that this was not the way for my 'seeking my own sexual identity'. Soon I started to read the news in the diaper newsgroup to try to find out if this was the one to find out. The “Den of Bittergrey” website (now this is Understanding Infantilism) was really an eye opener for me: After all these years I found what the heck is going on with me. I was able to read about it. Also, someone left a message on the newsgroup that really triggered me:
    RE~How to wear diapers in public?
    OK, then here's another question. I'd love to wear diapers and plastic pants under some summer shorts , during the summer months. We have a waterfront area locally that I'd just love to be able to go in diapers in under some shorts, but am kinda wary of doing it for fear of being noticed. I have stumbled across a Web site called AC Medical Supplies that sells plastic pants that are meant to be worn under sport shorts. Do these work? Are they that good that no one has ever said anything or had looked at the person in a strange way?
    Picture I found on the web: The only thing what is missing are the diapers and plastic pants ;-)

    What is the difference here? Wetting a diaper or some shorts & underwear? One week I was completely upset about reading this in the newsgroup. This posting is exactly where I am dreaming of for years! I organized myself the weekend after getting internet to stay in wet shorts the WHOLE Friday-night. I dressed myself with my shorts and underwear, a pair of plastic pants and my large short. Of course I had to put on one more 'home brewed' pair of plastic pants and one more Adidas short to catch the heavy leaking from the first layer of plastic. I did this for one night, and was able to sleep for 3 hours maximum with the inner shorts totally soaked wet. Jacking off was not needed: A bit of movement was enough to get the finest ejaculation ever. With all the excitement and knowing about that newsgroup, I kept them on for 12 hours. Can you imagine: Finally you know that you are not the only one in the world doing these things. I was at age 31. Goddamned, I wish I knew before.
    Saturday night I made a 'mattress-cover' from garbage bags and decided to 'go wild' without a limit! A friend of mine promised to come in at 6.00 P.M. to do some programming work. He is a type that has no 'sexual' clue of whatsoever. (BTW, who knows...) I smuggled my sportswear + plastic pants with me to the toilet to change myself into my improvised diaper. Finally I dressed myself with the jeans I wore before. It looked nice, not too bulky. It felt great! The plastic used for my 'home brew' plastic pants did not make too much rumbling noise, because it was pretty thin. While my friend was programming I wetted myself in the living room while programming some code. The shorts could hold quite a lot of ‘leakage’, but I had to move my body a bit to spread the wetness out a bit, so that it did not start to leak right away. This really felt great. My friend, who never is able to imagine what I was doing, worked on the computer. Later that night at 1:00am he left. The plastic pants were just not leaking while letting him go out of the door. The Adidas diaper was soaked a little bit too much. This was my first experience doing this ritual with someone else nearby! At 1.30 A.M. I went to bed to go to 'sleep'. First I changed myself into the same outfit. I went out 3 times to drink at least 2 big glasses of water to (ful)fill my needs. In the morning I discovered that -including the outer short- all was very wet! OK, it was a bit too much, and leaning to the 'golden rain’ fetish, but it was kind of a celebration of finding recognition on the internet and the celebration of freedom! I had to conclude that I wetted myself without awakening. This was due to the night before where I slept for 3 hours only. The excitement was too great to hold all secret for myself!
    On the internet I started to read stories from other people that have the same sexual interests. It was very exiting and very learning to conclude that I was not the only one. It seemed that most people in my fetish group were only diaper lovers, the same as I am. I do not like the ‘adult baby’ part of the ADBL fetish, however, I feel respect for them. I started to explore some good internet websites. Those were DPF, Bytemine, etc. (all of these are merged or gone by now) Also, I followed the newsgroup ‘’ for a while. Apart from all the spam I liked the postings about diapers, how to wear them, etc. as described before. My interest in diapers grew, as long as they were disposables and they had to be white... As my friend had them when I was 9.

    #12 Going out
    A few months later I was invited to go to the movies with the same friend of mine. We both like science fiction a lot. There was a new movie out called ‘the fifth element’. I thought this title was good enough to throw up a coin to do heads or tales: In diapers and plastic pants or going regular. The heads won and so I went out the first time ‘diapered’. This time it was more risky. What I did was the following. I padded myself with a pair of Adidas shorts, 2 boxer shorts, Adidas shorts on top. Then the first plastic pants. Another pair of boxer shorts and Adidas shorts to absorb possible leaking from first layers. I had another pair of brand new plastic pants over them, finally covered with a tight Adidas short. These last shorts kept all in place and suppressed the rumbling of the plastic a bit. It was not too bulky and I felt okay with it. All of this finally was covered with my jeans: I went out. I was quite relaxed wearing all this because these Adidas shorts have strings that you can tighten around your waste so that they stay there nicely. It felt really good. First we went to the Italian to eat a pizza. Afterwards we had to walk through the city to catch the late time movie. I was relaxed enough and I did not care if people could see or hear it at all. I felt very comfortable. Sitting in the cinema watching the movie it was quite hard to relax so far that I could let go my bladder. It was quite full because of the drinks we had at the Italian. I arranged to let it go bit by bit to feel very exiting! (You have the feeling that all already is very wet, but mostly there is not much to worry about ;-) After the movie we walked home. Standing still at some stores looking at some things I could relax so much that I was able to let it go completely. My crotch was soaked. Because of the double layers and the quality of my plastic pants I was lucky that it stayed all in. Arriving at my friend his home I left him there to get my bike and take a ride home. While biking at home I felt that I was too wet. The plastic pants could not hold it with the movements I made and started to leak a bit. Because of the fact that I was sitting on the bike, it could spread a bit on my butt. Arriving at home I went upstairs. While I was opening my front door I was feeling so relaxed that I could let it go for one more flow. Now it was so wet that I had to go to lay down on my belly... I do not have to explain how it ended, thinking about myself that I wetted myself into public!
    Old picture of myself with my first bought leaky plastic pants :-(

    #13 Diaper Experience
    Having done a few things out in public I settled down a bit. I accepted my fetish to the fullest. Nevertheless, I never did show diapers in public, nor I had heavy leakages in public or so. I always took good precautions to pack myself in a good diaper and not to show off too much. At that time I also began to experiment with disposable diapers. Regularly I went out in them, to work, to my friends, I did not care anymore. Communication with other DL people was limited by using mIRC, unfortunately. In this point I still was alone. However, this chat program enabled me to get into contact with others with the same DL addiction. I found out about someone living in Belgium. We made contact. This was –and still is- a very good and intellectual contact. Can you imagine how happy I was (and still I am!)
    A few months later we found out about a club in Rotterdam. They organize diaper meetings for AD/BL’s. My friend and I decided to go there to have a look. We both diapered ourselves at home. He picked me up and then we drove to Rotterdam. Fully diapered we stepped in this club to meet others. This was a very learning experience: Basically you meet all layers in our society there. Lawyers, carpenters, you name it, all were there. This was very interesting and very learning. I found out that a few others were from the mIRC chat and finally we met in real. What I also learned is that a fetish is a very individual personal thing. “You want to do it your way”. On the other hand I found it amazing how social these people are. Nothing wrong with them!

    #14 Visiting my diaper friend
    From this time on I frequently visit(ed) my friend in Belgium and vice versa. He has a sewing machine, meaning that we could experiment in creating our own diapers. In my city we have a good shop at hand where you can buy the right materials for our strange ‘hobby’. These things are very nice to do and I can tell you that it is not easy to make such a cloth diaper. We have discussions over all kinds of technical things, what Velcro to use and –of course- if the diaper will fit yes or no. You can imagine the chemistry we have together while we are searching for the right cloth, elastic, Velcro, and other stuff ;-) The shopkeeper asked us what the heck we use it for, and I told him that we were about to make special particle filters. In fact this is not a lie: The ‘particles’ only are a bit wet ;-) This diaper friend and I have no sexual relation: It is pure intellectual friendship. Nevertheless we like each other a lot and we try to visit regularly. Work is the only thing that lies in the way: Frequency of visiting each other often is too low.
    Finally I felt settled in such a way that I found that the time was right to “come out of the closet” and go to try to find a partner. I was in the closet for far too long. Fortunately, internet was just about to develop those days (1998) and was not completely spammed with all sorts of sex websites: Those are definitely not the places where you will find a partner anyway. In a gay forum I placed a small article. The first and only response was a direct hit: My current partner.

    #15 My relation
    There he came. A hansom looking slim guy. We already had intense email contact and we decided to finally meet each other in a good restaurant nearby where I live. I went there early and waited at the bar in a kind of ‘quasi nonchalant’ way. These days we still can laugh about it all the time: My partner immediately recognized me when he came in. “That guy should be the one”, he thought, and he was correct. We sat down and talked, ate and talked more... We did not even notice that we were the latest to finish (In Europe it is not at all like in the US: You can sit down as long as you want to and no one will even bother ;-). Funny thing was that the waiter was gay himself and gave small hints: He knew. Short after our first meeting we decided to go out in a city nearby. It was great. True love. We touched, kissed, laughed, touched each other, just like a young loving couple. (We both were in our 30’s already!) We fell in love and this is still the case today. Very short after I decided to tell my new partner about my fantasies and what the heck is ‘wrong’ with me. He is a very intelligent understanding person and he immediately said that this is not a problem for him. He immediately accepted my fetish and he understands that I never can put it away: It simply is a part of me. Half a year after we met I planned to start my own company. We both are good in our skills and earned quite some money. Today I recognize this as a result of all of the fighting I had with myself and to goal for a complete independency. I simply learned to solve my own problems. We are very happy together. My partner has no comparable fetish feelings and he does not party in it. However, our sex is very sensitive and nice: Our relation is more than 12 years old now and still goes very strong. Numerous holydays have passed and we never have big arguments. We trust eachother for 100%.
    Today we have organized our financials in a very conservative way. Our future will be very stable due to that. My fetish will not develop any further: I find that one should cherish some of his or her fantasies. Otherwise you tend to go off track...
    Arundel Castle in the UK, one of our favourite places to go.

    #16 Adidas Diapers and Tracksuits
    Now and then I look on Ebay to find Adidas shorts. I have quite a collection of them. Regularly I order diapers and plastic pants at pharmacies too. The frequency of wearing diapers varies (I guess like anybody who likes to wear them.) At home I always wear Adidas track pants. I find them very comfortable and attractive. I like the nylon ones the best. They are a bit noisy and that can be very practical. In the summer I try to wear Adidas shorts as much as I can. Everybody knows me this way (family and all of my friends). Track pants and nylon shorts have a baggy fit. This has a practical side as well: Wearing a medium size diaper & plastic pants under them won’t tell you any difference.
    Sometimes I go out diapered. Nobody knows, and about 99% of the time I arrive home (almost) dry. It is just the comfort feeling and safety I like about this. You can have an accident without trouble. After we arrive home I always keep them on for the night. Of course then –in the morning- the obvious thing has happened ;-) I always put them on and clean myself at home, never in public places. I do this for years now. You can imagine that I am not too nervous anymore dealing with diapers and plastic pants. Therefore I do not care too much if a bit of the elastic of my plastic pant peeks out, or if my T-shirts has rumpled up too high. Nobody notices anyway.
    Most of the time I wear diapers & plastic pants at night. I think this is due to the bedwetting at boarding-school. The frequency is once a week, with extreme ups and downs. Going out in them I do very seldom. Only when I have to drive long routes to a customer I have the tendency to wear them. We have a customer with very bad coffee 21⁄2 hours away from us. Maybe you recognize this: Drinking 1 cup will let you go to the toilet the rest of the day. Then, with 21⁄2 hours drive to go it simply is wise to be diapered anyway.
    Recent picture of myself with my white shorts over my diaper & plastic pants.

    #17 Diapers and pants I use
    I only use Tena Medium Plus diapers. The Tena Maxi’s are too bulgy for me. What I like about Tena is that they are white and they fit perfectly. The Medium Plus can absorb up to 1 liter, but then it is soaked! This only works during the night when you move around a bit. What I also do is tape the legs elastics of the diaper a bit better. The 2 tapes are positioned just a little bit too high. With a bit of extra blank tape you really can improve control of leakage. Sometime I use Tena pull-up diapers. They are not as nice as the real ones, but they are very practical. During day time something unexpected can happen and then they are off as quick as it can be.
    Sometimes I use cloth diapers as well. My Belgian friend and I made inlayers for it too. It cannot handle as much as a disposable diaper, but the feeling is wonderful. The only thing is that it is too bulgy to go out. But a cloth diaper with 2 inlayers can handle a lot! For plastic pants there is only one brand I use today and that is Suprima. These are excellent. I only use the PVC milky white ones, with and without buttons. They are available in thick and thin PVC. The latter rumbles like hell, if you like. I sometimes use them with a pair of Adidas nylon shorts over them. The outside of the short then looks rumpled due to the thick plastic pants. I find this great. (To be used in private situations only.)
    The good thing about Suprima is that they cover elastics with the PVC. This avoids leakage. Especially the plastic pants with buttons are excellent. They really do their job very well. Some articles from Suprima that I like the most are: Suprima 1205 /M (44/46) Milch (Milch is German for Milky-White) thin PVC plastic pants Suprima 1250 /M (44/46) Weiss thin PVC plastic pants with buttons (shown here)
    Suprima 1250 /M (44/46) Weiss thick PVC plastic pants with buttons Suprima 1211 /M (44/46) Milch thick PVC plastic pant And their newest addition: Suprima 1305 /M (44/46) 001 (White) plastic pants. These are lengthier. These I use most often.
    Suprima 1250 plastic pants with buttons

    #18 Good hints for wearing diapers
    One problem can be the smell of diapers when they are really wet. In a couple of hours they will go to smell. Normally I try to put down the smell on the forehand: I carefully watch out what to eat when I have plans to put on a diaper. Drinking two large mugs of tea helps a lot too. To control the smell better I use Tommy Hilfiger Shower Gel. One big drop in your diaper will do. If you like the wet feeling of your diaper you might try a pair of nylon shorts. Turn them inside out and put them on first. Put your diaper over them and take care that your short is completely covered with your diaper to avoid leakage. Going out this way will really let you feel your diaper all the time. Another good thing I ‘developed’ is a method to check out for diaper leakage. What I do is put a pair of nylon black shorts over my diaper before putting on my plastic pants. These shorts have strings added to be able to snug your diaper around you nicely. When you suspect leakage simply go to the toilet. Get your zipper down only and see if the black short clearly shows wet stains in your plastic pants. If so, it is time to watch out! ;-) The black nylon will contrast perfectly with the milky white of your plastic pants. Another thing is that Adidas Nylon shorts have cotton inner liners: This will help to spread thus avoids leakages too. The Suprima plastic pants are your final protection! Without them you’re lost.
    Get a pair and choose those that are not too big in size. A snug fit will ensure that your ‘secret’ stays in position, and it helps to spread big ‘bursts’ quickly and efficiently. The elastics must close on your legs not too loose and not too tight. For long sleeps or long hikes you can double up things. Sometimes I put a few boxer shorts, a pair of Nylon Adidas shorts and on top a slightly bigger size plastic pants. This ‘double diaper’ is probably the best solution when you have been drinking a lot of beer or so... Give it a try! ;-)
    Thanks for reading! I hope you share your story too, it might help others as well... and it is always nice to read.

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