Yup... that's right folks. Transgender Teen Baby. To explain how messed up I truly feel here's what I usually tell people what it's like to be TG:
My body is a prison, one where I will never make bail or be released. One where my soul is eternally trapped. Where my own breath is poisonous. Where I wake up asking myself how much more I can hate life. I have many friends... I really do... However, no amount of friends will change the last 17 years of my life, will erase my memory, make the hair on my chest, or the thing that is between my legs, and go away.
Most people think oh just get laid it will be okay. That is not the case. People ask me "why don't you just stay a guy if you like girls?” However, that is the thing... I do not like girls, at least not as a guy. I like girls as a girl. I do not WANT to be a lesbian that is just how it is. Many people go through the surgery and become straight. However, they do not see it as that. I am not going through the surgery to become lesbian, I am going through the surgery to become me. Being a lesbian is just part of it.
This is not because of a guy or a girl who broke up with me. This is not because of the abuse I was subject to throughout my years of life. This is not because my dad is not here. This is not because of the music I listen to.
This is because I have to live. This is because I am here. I do not want to be here, it is causing me more pain than anything. The downs hurt more than the ups could ever fix. My life is pointless, its one big mistake.
I do not hate my life because of something I did; I hate my life because I have to live.
Happiness for me has never and seems to never exist. My entire life is one that I am watching... I am not living my life. I am just here. Every day for me is melancholy, no matter if the sun is shining or the rain is pouring or the snow is falling. Every day for me is misery, it is one more day that I am stuck in this cage known as life.
I could never explain why I am the way I am, I just am. That is like me asking someone "why are you straight?" or "why are you comfortable in your own skin?” It has no answer. It is how I am.
Each day I drift. In and out. There am no real me to be honest. Just a part of me. The real me has never lived and it is impossible for the real me to live. It is a sad state of life... and one I would never wish on a single person. Ever. My life has been full of pain, full of darkness. Sometimes the clouds went away and the moon shone a little... but never much because there is always the thing between my legs that dictates people's affections towards me.
No matter what steps I take to rectify my body... my family will never see me as female and I will never gain back the years of my life that I have lost to my depression. That I have lost to being the wrong thing. This is what gets me down every day that any chance of living my life is gone. Dashed. Stripped. Torn.
People say, "Well just change your life then.” It is not that easy, and if it were I would not be in this depressive state, I am in. I know you have to make the best out of life but that is extremely hard to keep when every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year, you are reminded of what you can never be. All I want to be is a normal girl. That is it. I never asked to be this way, I just am. Honestly I would not mind being a normal guy either but that is not who I am. I have been exposed to myself and I cannot go back. I tried that once, and the result is the scars on my wrist and the permanent ring around my neck.
Everyone says, "Life is what you make it"... yes, that is a very sweet and sentimental statement... but for me... and others like me, it is not easy at all. I was robbed of so many experiences that I would never ever get.
I have slowly succumbed to the fact that the surgery will not fix everything. I will never be able to have those experiences... ever. There are too many experiences to even name. However, anyways... the idea of "the grass is greener on the other side" is what people pull here. However, let me tell you something the grass is definitely not green on my side. There is no grass on my side. Just cold, hard, earth that is unsalvageable. Its rocks, its dirt, broken shards of glass... that is what is on my side.
Yeah people say being a girl sucks, people say being a guy sucks... but take it from someone who lives in-between them both... at least your gender and your sex are not different. At least there is one constant in your life. I have no constant. My life is more unstable then most people's will ever be.
Through this instability comes insecurity, which is why I have the scars on my wrist and the line on my neck. I wish I could forget those things but like the thing between my legs, and the hair on my chest that I must shave every day or become disgusted, it is a reminder.
Why did I cut? Why did I try to hang myself? It was not for the scars, it was because it was an escape. Like the junkie with the needle in his arms, he did not want his arms to be disfigured; he wanted the great from it. Although my goal was a little different. My goal was to just end the pain. The pain is unbearable... when there is no constant in your life.
So overall, what is being transgender like? My life is like watching a movie... that you cannot pause, rewind or fast-forward... you have to sit and watch it... it is a movie you hate... and there is nothing you can do about it. It is the true state of helplessness, when your past, present, and future, will have never been, are never, and never will be yours.
And you all know what regression is like so yeah. Just wanted to get this all out there.