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Thread: I'm a TG TB

  1. #1

    Default I'm a TG TB

    Yup... that's right folks. Transgender Teen Baby. To explain how messed up I truly feel here's what I usually tell people what it's like to be TG:

    My body is a prison, one where I will never make bail or be released. One where my soul is eternally trapped. Where my own breath is poisonous. Where I wake up asking myself how much more I can hate life. I have many friends... I really do... However, no amount of friends will change the last 17 years of my life, will erase my memory, make the hair on my chest, or the thing that is between my legs, and go away.
    Most people think oh just get laid it will be okay. That is not the case. People ask me "why don't you just stay a guy if you like girls? However, that is the thing... I do not like girls, at least not as a guy. I like girls as a girl. I do not WANT to be a lesbian that is just how it is. Many people go through the surgery and become straight. However, they do not see it as that. I am not going through the surgery to become lesbian, I am going through the surgery to become me. Being a lesbian is just part of it.
    This is not because of a guy or a girl who broke up with me. This is not because of the abuse I was subject to throughout my years of life. This is not because my dad is not here. This is not because of the music I listen to.
    This is because I have to live. This is because I am here. I do not want to be here, it is causing me more pain than anything. The downs hurt more than the ups could ever fix. My life is pointless, its one big mistake.
    I do not hate my life because of something I did; I hate my life because I have to live.
    Happiness for me has never and seems to never exist. My entire life is one that I am watching... I am not living my life. I am just here. Every day for me is melancholy, no matter if the sun is shining or the rain is pouring or the snow is falling. Every day for me is misery, it is one more day that I am stuck in this cage known as life.
    I could never explain why I am the way I am, I just am. That is like me asking someone "why are you straight?" or "why are you comfortable in your own skin? It has no answer. It is how I am.
    Each day I drift. In and out. There am no real me to be honest. Just a part of me. The real me has never lived and it is impossible for the real me to live. It is a sad state of life... and one I would never wish on a single person. Ever. My life has been full of pain, full of darkness. Sometimes the clouds went away and the moon shone a little... but never much because there is always the thing between my legs that dictates people's affections towards me.
    No matter what steps I take to rectify my body... my family will never see me as female and I will never gain back the years of my life that I have lost to my depression. That I have lost to being the wrong thing. This is what gets me down every day that any chance of living my life is gone. Dashed. Stripped. Torn.
    People say, "Well just change your life then. It is not that easy, and if it were I would not be in this depressive state, I am in. I know you have to make the best out of life but that is extremely hard to keep when every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year, you are reminded of what you can never be. All I want to be is a normal girl. That is it. I never asked to be this way, I just am. Honestly I would not mind being a normal guy either but that is not who I am. I have been exposed to myself and I cannot go back. I tried that once, and the result is the scars on my wrist and the permanent ring around my neck.
    Everyone says, "Life is what you make it"... yes, that is a very sweet and sentimental statement... but for me... and others like me, it is not easy at all. I was robbed of so many experiences that I would never ever get.
    I have slowly succumbed to the fact that the surgery will not fix everything. I will never be able to have those experiences... ever. There are too many experiences to even name. However, anyways... the idea of "the grass is greener on the other side" is what people pull here. However, let me tell you something the grass is definitely not green on my side. There is no grass on my side. Just cold, hard, earth that is unsalvageable. Its rocks, its dirt, broken shards of glass... that is what is on my side.
    Yeah people say being a girl sucks, people say being a guy sucks... but take it from someone who lives in-between them both... at least your gender and your sex are not different. At least there is one constant in your life. I have no constant. My life is more unstable then most people's will ever be.
    Through this instability comes insecurity, which is why I have the scars on my wrist and the line on my neck. I wish I could forget those things but like the thing between my legs, and the hair on my chest that I must shave every day or become disgusted, it is a reminder.
    Why did I cut? Why did I try to hang myself? It was not for the scars, it was because it was an escape. Like the junkie with the needle in his arms, he did not want his arms to be disfigured; he wanted the great from it. Although my goal was a little different. My goal was to just end the pain. The pain is unbearable... when there is no constant in your life.
    So overall, what is being transgender like? My life is like watching a movie... that you cannot pause, rewind or fast-forward... you have to sit and watch it... it is a movie you hate... and there is nothing you can do about it. It is the true state of helplessness, when your past, present, and future, will have never been, are never, and never will be yours.

    And you all know what regression is like so yeah. Just wanted to get this all out there.

  2. #2


    Good luck with your life. I can imagine how hard it is to live like that, and it would be horrible to have your parents or friends not understand and try to help out. I myself am probably as close to transgender as you can get without being formally transgender, so I empathize with you.

  3. #3


    ... if your think like you can why don't try it, many talks about the bright side of the stuff but you try to see it ? life its in your hands and if you let anyone back you down its because you don't wanna change, soomething that you could say its to be hetero gay or bi.

    Many face bad stuff and learned that was necessary for be free and honest to all, "living without think about another people say's" because knows how their are inside and you need to seek more inside of you for try to be that person, life is responsability, love, care, like, fear, joy, happiness, healing, understanding but if the persons quit about it and don't wanna see, heard and talk about what really is ...

    Its because haves a veil and refuse to see the reality, your parents could understand or not but doesn't mean its the final word because its yourself who can say the final word if don't hurts anyone and if your heard tells you its right.

    So why not try to see what your heart tells you and follow it,its not big deal and you can find the peace that you want , never quit in the seek if you does will never gonna know it.

    hope the words of the honest exp that i have of the life can helps you.

  4. #4


    *hugs* I feel much the same way, sweetdreamsellie. Not exactly, but pretty close in most ways. Never tried to kill myself, but I have been pretty depressed a lot and the thought does cross my mind. My life feels like nothing sometimes, though for some reason, I don't wanna die.... my mind is so contradicting. I don't have any real advice, but I hope that each of us can somehow be happier someday. Hopefully it would be sooner rather than later.

    I have been thinking of telling my family about my transgender feelings lately, but I am just so intensely afraid... x_x I worry no one will be okay with it and I'll never be happy. (I could never be happy alone like that) I don't know if that's true, but I don't know how to work up the courage to find out. Sometimes I dunno how I waited so long in the first place. Sometimes I don't know how it's become so much harder to deal with these feelings over time & how they only feel more intense.

    Anyway, just know that you are not alone, though it may often feel that way.

  5. #5


    I was post-op transgender girl, and finished the main stage of my transition 1 1/2 years ago. I remember when I was pre-op and I really hate what I had between my legs and it was no fun at all to have that as a I knew how you feel. Hang in there... I am sure everything will be okay with you eventually.

  6. #6


    Hey there. I'm a pre-op pre-hormones transgirl and I understand entirely what you mean. Every last bit of it. <3
    I'm perhaps lucky that I'm going to start as young as I am, to avoid the main parts of the depressions you listed, although I myself have been subject to quite a lot of them. But let me just tell you this.
    No life is perfect. None. Everyone lacks something that would make their life "complete", and once they get that they always start thinking on other things. However, you have to make the most of the life you have because, let's face it, this is your only chance to live. You only live once, so please. For your sake, for your friends' sake and your family's sake, just LIVE. Whether that living be reading a book at the seaside or partying all night in Ibiza with twelve shots of tequila in you, just live. I know how hard it is, and how it must feel to have that... thing, making you feel incomplete, disgusted with yourself. But... That can be fixed, eventually. What YOU need to do is live your own life now. Forget about the experiences you might have lost, no matter how hard it might be. You need to live your own life, forge your own path and enjoy your own future. <3 Do something awesome to cheer yourself up now and again, whether it's going to a resteraunt or going to a game store. Whatever makes you feel happy. Whatever distracts you from the flawed nature of most lives...
    Just... Please. No matter how hard it might be, believe me. You can still live, and you can still be happy. Don't dwell on what might have been. Decide what WILL be. <3

  7. #7


    I'm trans too. FTM, and working on transitioning. I wish you some happiness and peace, and luck on your journey.

  8. #8


    Another pre-op, pre-hormones "transgirl" (dunno how I feel about the word, I always felt like it like, saying I was less of a girl), but anyway. Just posting to say that you aren't alone. There are so many people, probably here that know what it's like to struggle everyday with feeling like you are more than just what you appear to be. To hate the idea that when even someone looks at you, they are making a judgement about you that is wrong. It feels like meeting every person with the wrong impression, that you can never make a good first one.

    There are many people here who understand what your going through and I have to tell you, that's what has always kept me sane. Meeting wonderful people who are more than supportive, who just want to make sure you are happy and feel like the gender you know you are. The experiences as you mentioned are truly things that you will have to find replacements for yes. The most important thing to remember is that time will move forward no matter what you do. You can either choose to try to experience what you can and move forward, or be pulled and miss out on even more. You are you, and in the end no one can take that away from you.. and there will be people who will be understanding.

  9. #9


    looks like there are a few of us on here. good to know.

  10. #10


    Quote Originally Posted by Dana View Post
    Just... Please. No matter how hard it might be, believe me. You can still live, and you can still be happy. Don't dwell on what might have been. Decide what WILL be. <3
    You are right, but only somewhat right. I can't say I'm never happy, but I can say that no matter how happy I may be at any one moment, it's only a fraction of what it could or should be. The happiness is so fleeting and incomplete. I may be happy, but the sadness is always hiding in the back of my mind somewhere. It's just too strong. There's this worry that no matter what I do, it could always be that way. There's no guarantee that everything will all work out for me or anyone. I haven't even told my family yet. I don't even know what to say or how to say it. I like to hope I can work up the courage to do so, and that everything will be okay, but that might not work out. Sorry for being the voice of pessimism.... x_x

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