It's been awhile since I've been in a Binge/Purger stage. I've actually floated in a happy middle space where I was fine being me and being "little".
The quotations are necessary in this instance, and that's what I'm having the most trouble with. Being AB without a Daddy for so long, I had gotten used to being little on my own. It did everything I needed: creating a comforting mental space that got rid of all the bad that had happened throughout the day and letting me express the immature part of me that is so relevant.
But now I have a Daddy, and I love him very much. He knows all about this part of me and how important it is to me. We've been through all the discussions and the various points of concern...
But I can't do it. I can't seem to let myself go there right now. I don't think he realizes it, and I've been able to regress a little further each time but it's never were I need it to be.
And it's starting to take it's toll on me. I get over emotional because everything is building up inside me and I can't let it out. I feel like I need to be little in order to get those emotions out and because they make me feel way too vulnerable. But I can't let them out and that makes me even MORE upset than I was before.
And to add yet ANOTHER layer onto this already confusing puzzle: I feel like I need it so bad, i've been looking to buy a whole ton of diapers and stuff. I stop before I do, but I have this bingey feeling of need that isn't going away.
It's a warring cycle that isn't ending and I don't know what to do with it, or how to break out of it.