All this current talk of little brothers really had me thinking about a recent revelation I had with mine.
I've never been close with my little brother or any of my brothers for that matter as some of you already know. To get this news really took me by surprise but my little brother came out to me. He's currently twenty four now to give you a idea of the kind of relationship we've had for each other. Pretty sad I know.
Yet at the same time I get this overwhelming feeling of just being straight up relieved. The kind where you go on for so long not having a simple solution but when it finally does come around you just sit back and go "OOOOOH!". All is suddenly explained and for once it actually makes sense. What I'm getting at is what I refer to as the dominoe effect.
When I was struggling with my own sexuality I used people to advantage to cover my own insecurities. We had one kid at my school who was pretty much a open flaming homo. The guy carried a purse and answered to the name Bo. In this day and age that's not a big deal. When you backtrack about thirteen years ago in a school setting of rednecks versus the blacks with skater kids on the sidelines it suddenly is a big deal. I admit I'm ashamed I allowed myself to get caught up in the typical gay bashing of the kid. At first I thought it was just me trying to fit in to not alienate myself from the norm. Little did I know I was just using the kid to hide from myself.
Now of course this very post wouldn't exist if I didn't eventually move past all of that garbage. When I did come out though my little brother especially took it hard. It was like looking in a mirror at that kid who used to openly gay bash the one known as Bo. Hurt doesn't even begin to describe what I was feeling but at the same time I felt I deserved it for my past actions. My family as a whole moved on for many years not wanting anything to do with me once they knew the real me.
You could argue that time heals all wounds and in this case you would be correct. There's more details to this mind you but I don't feel like it's my business to air out my little brother's private history. What I will share is a few weeks ago he did open up communication with me after all these years. Not only did he tell me he's gay but he apologized for everything. The open gay bashing, exposing my deepest secret (diapers) to our friends/neighbors, and the time he found my stash. I have to say out of everything he ever did to me when he found my secret hiding spot and tampered with it ...the little sanity I had left was destroyed. It was one thing to find it but to take sharpie markers to my diapers and write shit like FREAK!, etc over it really affected me over the years. He claimed at the time he thought he was helping me and when I thought about it further I'm sure it wasn't any easier for him to understand why I was the way I was. Like I told him, I didn't understand it at the time so to expect him to makes us both blind hypocrites. It was just one of those unfortunate situations where you couldn't win unless you had age, maturity, and wisdom already on your side.
Regardless of everything I told him I'm always here for him, even if he wasn't gay it would make no difference to me. You're my brother and nothing changes that.