Hello another new user here but not new in AB world
little bit about me, I am from Belgium and i am 26years old and i have really big fetish or how you can put it for Pacifier's ever since i can remember (8years?) i would 'take' a pacifier from somewhere then hide somewhere and use it for while,
after i could raise enough money i would and go buy myself and since then i am doing that my favorite pacifier is those from brand "bibi" and those are silicone Orthodontic pacifiers 12m+
(they don't have bigger but those are good for me) e
very month or so i am buying a new one now lol (did so this morning to)
I still live with my mom (and stef dad) they used to know this about when i was like 16 but my mom was like why you still have this etc and dismissed it.
about 2years ago i was in hospital for like one month cause i try'd to suicide (reason for that il tell below)
since then first day i was awake i asked my mom for my pacifier (scared as hell tho)
and next day she had it with her and i used my pacifier in hospital where even everyone could see it (was happy month for me, except what i did)
however i came home and since them i am doing it secretly again still scared of what my mom would say when i am home having my pacifier when she sees it,
but i do sleep with it evreyday and once a while they see i sleep with it but dont say anything.
what i do wished, is that i could use it at home without being scared from my parents
(when where walking down the market or something and theres a kid like age 4a5 still having pacifier my mom always saying out loud look at that kid so big and still running around with pacifier, makes me think from i am bigger and still have one but what about that )
however when i see kid having pacifier on street makes me jealous that they can run with it on streets but i cant
(well i can but people would look strangely at me not that i care really but still)
and who ever says that pacifiers are for baby's only there age 'most' max 12m+ but 26years is still 12m+!!! and they make me feel happy to,
i cannot sleep without them, without having nightmares and sleepwalking (i even broke my feet on 5places while sleepwalking when i tryd to sleep without it)
at times i also use a baby bottle and wear diapers and want to be baby again but thats with it moments and alone its not so fun
i had bf for about 6years and was living with him and i could be there what i wanted and be a full time baby he was my "daddy" in my eyes but then he died and my world crashed totally.
that combined with what happed to me when i was 3a4years old (abused badly main reason for what i am today) + back to my parents not be able to be fully AB again (except for pacifier)
and thats reason why i tryd to suicide,
at one point i am happy i am still here and had the urge to tell my parents (well using the psychiatrist to tell my parents)
and could use at least pacifier in open (dident care mutch for rest that time)
but now where 2years later and i am back at where i was before it if theres something major happening again i have no idea what i would do but i know i cant handle it
So anyone has any tips how i can use my pacifier at least openly at home without being scared about my parents?
cause i am afraid and i know there not supposed to be for "adults" but there what i want badly
(sorry for long unordered mostly writing main Language is Dutch and this took me 40min to write :s )