Hi. I am looking for some advice/help from anyone who can be bothered to read the quite long post I am writing!
Basically, I don't know what my sexuality is. I have reasons to believe I am straight, and that I am gay.
Firstly, I have had a few girlfriends in the past, admittedly most of which were about as meaningless as any relationship when you're both young, but I was with one girl for about a year, when we were 15/16 ish. Also, there is a girl at university who was flirting with me a lot over the summer. We are not now going out (which is another very long story which I don't need to go into unless anyone wants to know), and it often upsets me that we are not together.
Also, whenever I imagine the future, I always see myself as having a wife, and the thought of living permanently with another man seems very strange, and not really something I would ever think of as a possibility.
However, most of my sexual fantasies involve men. In particular, (and I find this a bit strange!) since I was about 12, when I had my first "girlfriend", there has always been one friend in my life who I wanted/want to be my boyfriend. The feelings towards each gender are not the same; with the girl I would love to go out with, I want to have a long, lasting, serious relationship, whereas with the boy that I currently love, I merely want to sleep with him.
I seem to find it easier to talk to boys than to girls. Just last night, at a club, I was talking to a girl for about 10 minutes and we were getting on well, but then I started trying to lose her because I didn't want to talk to her at all. Later on that night, I met a boy outside in the smoking area, we chatted for about 20 minutes before both going in, and then when I went out to smoke again, I saw him by the door and we both went out together and talked for another 10/15 minutes.
When I'm drunk I tend to get very "friendly" with my male friends. For example, if I happen to see a friend of mine in a night club, we usually hug, as is quite normal for friends to do, but then I often end up kissing him on the lips for a few seconds. One night, when I was incredibly drunk, I pulled one of my friends towards me, put one hand down his pants on his bum and french kissed him for a long time. I would never dream of doing that to any of my female friends.
Finally, there was one night when I ended up sleeping in the same bed as the boy that I mentioned above. Again, we were both very drunk and the excitement got the better of me once we were in bed. I won't go into details here, but we got incredibly intimate (especially as he has a girlfriend!). I managed to laugh it off the following morning by pretending not to remeber anything, and he has never asked me if I am gay.
So can anyone give me any advice? Am I gay or straight? I apologise for the really long post, but once I started writing it it was good to put all my feelings into words.