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Thread: Possible marriage problem(s)?

  1. #1

    Default Possible marriage problem(s)?

    I am a fairly new member here at ADISC.ORG, and have enjoyed my time here so far. I have a question I would like to ask the married members of ADISC. Of course the single people are also welcome to chime in, but I am really looking to the married people for answers.
    My situation is this: I have been married for about a year and a half now. My wife knew about my AB/DL side before we were ever engaged. I have been honest with her about all aspects of my diaper activities. And not to put too fine of a point to it, both my wife and I are involved in church (I know many of you already understand what kind of a spin that can put on things).
    Anyhow, like I said, I've been married for a year and a half, moved from my home state of Ohio, leaving all my family and friends and everything behind to move to Wisconsin (where the wife has a house, which had been on the market but never sold. She hasn't come right out and told me she doesn't approve of my diaper activities, but I can tell she doesn't approve of it. She has gone as far as saying she is fine with it, but she thinks it all stems a troubled past I had, and that she doesn't want it (the diapers) to be a reminder of any of that. I have tried to do away with all my diapers and everything related to AB/DL, but find I am not feeling like I am being true to myself in the process. Well, recently I went out and bought a pack of diapers, and she found them. Today she made two statements that raised some concerns in my mind. The first was "I don't know what to do, or how to handle this",. and the second was "You're not ready to give them up are you?". She was calm when we were talking, but still, the questions made me think and so I am here asking:

    Has anyone on here ever lost a marriage or had problems in their marriage due to their AB/DL'ism? How / what did you do to handle it? And thanks in advance guys for your answers.

  2. #2


    Quote Originally Posted by dlCherub View Post
    "You're not ready to give them up are you?"
    i can't really comment nor advise on your situation as the above question was something which helped ease my mind into never being with anyone. did you never feel as though the question was there, before your marriage?
    for me, despite all the other aspects of myself which aren't really compatible with intimate relationships, the choice of 'normality' or diapers was fundamental my being who i am today.
    that said, i still feel it would be nice to have a wife and family - i just wouldn't want them to suffer me.

  3. #3


    sadly the christian aspect does kind of add another side to this. im a christian, a presbyterian to be exact and i found another presbyterian who is going to enter seminary in the next year....before i met him i was sure that i would stay single the rest of my life rather than settle for less than what i was looking for. god was kind to me and found me the man i was looking for(im gay) and he found me some one who fits right in with who i am as an ageplayer/little/ab and dl.....he is a non wearing daddy....but our relationship is multi dimensional and has stood the test of long distance relationship(im in seattle area of washington state and he is in marion illinois) we are meeting in real life for the first time in 6 days(a week together) and we are going toghether too enroll him at seattle university for seminary school....some relationships in our community are based too much on abdl'ism and sadly for some like in your situation, its based on no abdl factors. i know this is making you probably love your wife very much and for many of us christians we would rather die then get a divorce(i was married to a woman for 3 years and have long since divorced and moved on and accepted i was gay) your wife likely thinks this is some sickness that you will eventually get over and forgiving her naive conclusions i recommend that you have a serious both of you sit down and hold hands talk and let everything out to her....if its gods plan to let this marriage last then it will happen....but i have a feeling your wife will never accept nor understand this part of you and i think if you stay in this you will be miserable....this really all depends on how noble you want to be....spite your self to save your marriage? realize that you wouldnt be selfish for considering my case my wife cheated on me multiple times and was a total b%tch but also looking back i needed from freshman year in high school too just about a year and a few months ago to accept the fact that i was gay and the divorce came at the right time for me....

    i wsh you the best of luck are in a difficult position and it took a lot of guts to bring up your personal stuff...i also commend you for trying to be honest with your wife....

    im open to chatting with you off site if you need the support...look up my yahoo info on my profile....

  4. #4


    Every marriage is different so there is no set solution. I am in my second marriage now and both knew before marriage. My current wife of 14 years accepts but does not participate.

    There are a couple things that I can suggest:

    1) Firstly understand that this is probably very difficult for your wife. She obviously loves you given she married you, but has no point of reference to what you are feeling. Assuming that she is more important to you then wearing diapers, you need to let her know that. It is possible that even though you told her before getting married, she thought it would change. She may feel she is not good enough to meet your needs of wanting to wear so you need to reassure her otherwise. Find out if she has specific concerns such as what this means with regards to you having children which can be a significant fear.
    2) Research some of the info on this site and and share relevant information with her that helps explain where you fall in the ab/dl spectrum as well as some of the possible reasons you have these feelings. It is not always about having a troubled past. I had the same and used to think that was a driver for me, but there are so many other possibilities.
    3) Be very honest about all your feelings no matter how embarrassing they may be. Marriage is about trust and if she finds reason not to trust you this will be far worse the wearing of diapers. As an example, if you wet, make sure she knows and does not find out. Establish that level of trust that you are sharing your deepest secrets with her because you love her. Don't tell her its a phase that will go away as this will be disappointing when it comes back.
    4) Do not try to force acceptance or participation. Take things real slow and let her absorb your discussions and get more used to the idea without being in her face about it. Agree on boundaries if necessary such as when it is OK for you to indulge. If you agree on boundries, stick with them unless you get agreement to change otherwise this will become a trust issue. If you hide or sneak it will become a trust issue.

    I can not stress enough that you really need to communicate as much as possible but do so at her pace. Let her know you will answer any questions as openly and honestly as possible but will also tell her you do not know something if that be the case. Understand her perspective and any fears or concerns to see if you can counter those or reassure. Make sure she knows how important she is and that although you have these desires, it in know way impacts how you feel about her.

    Best of luck to you!

  5. #5


    Very good responses from above. I've told this before, but the membership changes. When I was dating my wife, I told her much about my life, a life which was self destructive. She knew I had lived almost all of the 4 years of college with a boyfriend, and that I was attracted to boys. She also knew that I was bi, so I was attracted to girls as well. She knew that I was at times, a binge drinker, and that pot was my drug of choice. She knew that I had done things that I was not proud of for alcohol and drugs. When I wrote "Werewolf" and had my character wake up alone in strange rooms with little memory of what had happened, that was me. But what I never told her, because I was too ashamed, was my attraction to diapers, and wetting them. It wasn't until 3 years ago that she discovered my online order. Suddenly, I had to discuss it. I had sneaked behind her back for all our years of marriage.

    I was lucky in that she not only has accepted this, but has ordered a number of baby things for me for Christmas presents, etc. Though I enjoy wearing to bed or on the weekends, I still try to stay respectable of her sensibilities. Wearing cloth diapers and peeing in them creates smell problems. We have worked around this so that I'm as little offensive as possible. This brings my post to the point. You are going to have to discuss how you are going to make this work. As others have said, information is key. So is compromise. There must be a time when you can express yourself, that would be workable for your wife.

    Assuming you have children, you will need to cut back anyway. Once they are older, they are a big part of your life, and you should be a part of theirs. I had Fridays off from work, and I would vacuum the house. I would also wear and use my diapers, and get them cleaned up and out of the way by the time the kids and my wife came home. You will have to find a schedule that works for you and your family.

    Lastly and most importantly, you will need to explain to your wife why this is a driving necessity in your life. I was able to back burner it for a while, but like most have said, it eventually came roaring back. Somewhere, you and your wife should be able to strike a balance. The thing she needs to understand is that most of us males are sexual with strong sex drives. It manifests itself in a number of ways, ways which are often different for us from women. You can bet that many men have their own quirks and express them behind closed doors. Somehow, we should all learn to accept each other, and our differences.

  6. #6


    All good points guys. And I do thank each of you for your input. Most of the points you've raised I have already discussed with my wife, a few of them I can see I need to improve on, and a couple of points I never thought of. So, thanks guys for you help, and by all means, please keep the input coming and thanks again! I am glad to have found this site, and to know that the folks on here aren't here for the sole reason of enjoying diapers, but also to help fellow AB/DL's.

  7. #7


    Well, i've been married coming on 11 years, recently into DL, but wife is OK with it, and if anything makes our marriage stronger. (although i should mention we are already quite kinky, out to our local community, and have a long list of things we are involved in, so one more thing really didnt rock the boat that much)
    Ironically, we have another friend who was a phone mommy, and sold cloth diapers, who had to get out of the business for a few years due to medical reasons, but now is looking to get back into. So now we will be working with, and my wife is probably going to become a phone mommy too. The funny part was listening to friend try to explain to us what an AB/DL was, etc, etc.. We let her know shortly after that we had a 'good' knowledge of the lifestyle.. lol.. the best part, i got to 'shop' in the basement full of cloth diapers, so get to try something new (never used cloth before)

    Sorry, that answer kinda sidelined from the original question.

  8. #8


    Quote Originally Posted by dlCherub View Post
    The first was "I don't know what to do, or how to handle this",. and the second was "You're not ready to give them up are you?". She was calm when we were talking, but still, the questions made me think and so I am here asking
    I can see why these questions can raise alarms in you. I have been married for over eight years and, at times, my wife has struggled to deal with my diaper wearing. She knew going into it, but it has been a slow acceptance. She is more accepting of my wearing for my urge incontinence problems than for what she calls my "fetish" behavior. I should also mention that I pretty much wear 24/7, so it's a round the clock thing. Anyway, on to you....

    The first question you can work slowly through. I think I would be more concerned about the second. If research into this has shown anything, it's that a 25 year old ABDL today will be a 50 year old ABDL in 25 years. In other words, in some shape or form, it's probably not going away. She may think that this is a phase or a lingering difficulty that you just need to get over. As you said, something still around from a bad childhood. I would be very patient and forgiving with her. However, when the time presents itself, try and explain it from your perspective. It may be threatening to her if she sees you as a mature and stable man-of-the-house type of guy. In my experience, it can be a very strange thing for a woman to find out her man WANTS to wear diapers (instead, I would argue most ABDL's actually need them, either for psychological or physical stability).

    It's important to try to listen to her fears and apprehensions. At the same time, decide on where you stand on this and how much you are willing to compromise. Is it a sexual, comforting and/or a security thing for you? Is she willing to listen to your explanation on why you need diapers. And, above all, try not to promise anything you cannot follow through. You want to lay it all on the table over an extended period of time. If things deteriorate badly during that time or she just doesn't want to "go there" in conversation, then you might want to seek couples counseling. I know some of what you're going through so hang in there.

  9. #9


    Get the hell out now.

    There are issues here with communication and gunny-sacking.

    This will come up again, and not in a pretty way. If you escape now you won't waste years of your life.

    Either way, it's time for a come to Jesus talk.

  10. #10


    Believe me, I can empathise with you.

    The answer is in part that no-one ever understands what they are getting into with marriage: sooner or later something comes out that the other partner didn't know about or ignored beforehand. The whole point of a strong marriage is that you don't say "I can't handle this" (at least not unless there is something criminal or seriously abusive going on) - it's about growing with each other. And if church is going to be dragged into it, perhaps a careful study of the introduction to the marriage service of the Church of England would be advisable. Especially this: It was ordained for the mutual society, help, and comfort, that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity.

    Your wife has her needs, and you have yours. Don't stand on your rights: make it clear that you have tried to provide for her needs and you would like to know what more you can do for her - but that she needs to be thinking the same way.

    Best of luck with this: if it helps, I will pray for your words to be wise and gracious.



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