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Thread: Forgive and forget?

  1. #1

    Unhappy Forgive and forget?

    So I am currently faced with a really tough issue, this has been tearing me up inside and I don't know what to do.

    Allow me to start from the beginning. Back when I was in the 7th grade about 12 or 13 years old was when my parents divorced. My dad was never really around for me even before the divorce. All my life, all I can remember is, it was my Mom that was there for me.

    Multiple times I would ask my dad to go do stuff with me, but the answer was always the same "I'm busy" or "maybe later." When the time came, I gave my dad a choice, either his kids or his love life that was driving his kids away, He chose his love life. Now you may sit there and say, well why can't your dad have a girlfriend? I would not mind if he had not lied about it to me for several years. He kept it hidden. Many times he told me that he broken it off with her and he wanted to be a family again, but then months later I would find that to be a lie.

    It was a little later I found out that he had been taking this new woman's kids on trips and to baseball games..ect...to sum it up, he found time for her kids, but never for his own.

    Skip ahead a little later, something happened between them and now they no longer see each other, he has a new girlfriend or which he has told my brother about, but not me. This just angers me more. Now he is trying to get me to forgive him, but he acts as if nothing ever happened.

    I do not know what to do. I am afraid that if I let him back into my life, he will just hurt me again. I would talk to my mom about this if I could, but every day all I hear is how much she hates my dad. In fact that's how I spent Christmas, sitting around listening to my mom say how much she hates my dad and all the things he has done. I would tell her to stop, and how much it depresses me to hear it, but afraid she would take it the wrong way and then I would lose the last family I have, that I have a good relationship with.

    I am hopeful that someone here can help me, the last person that I tried to talk to, one of my closest friends, I thought I could trust, just told me to grow up (ironic yes?) and get over it. She told me my "fake it to make it" attitude was selfish (don't quite get that one. selfish would be forcing my problems on others, which I try not to do)

  2. #2
    Butterfly Mage

    Default

    Personally, I see no need to forgive someone who isn't sorry. And you can't get that time back. Your dad decided to treat you like he was a sperm donor and not a real father.

    Your dad and mine have similar qualities in some respects. He used to take my sister's boyfriend out fishing, motorcycling, etc. But I was always the one he was ashamed of and was never good enough to be cared about. If my dad showed up at my doorstep, I'd slam the door in his face.

  3. #3

    Default

    I see no reason not to forgive. Forgetting will be a bit difficult.

    Everyone deserves a second chance, correct? Even if that person was a father who didn't care much, or who didn't give you much attention.

    He's human, too, and he would probably love it if you could forgive him.

    Maybe you can't necessarily forget what he has done, but time is the best aid.

    But what you do is really up to you. Do you think your father has changed? Or is he still the same old, same old?

  4. #4

    Default

    If you are willing to meet him, my advice would be to try to have a heart to heart with him, and to explain to him how much what he has done to you has hurt you. If he actually sincerely apologizes, then I think it would be safe for you to let him back into your life, and then with time you'll probably be able to forgive him. If he can't or refuses to understand the pain he has caused you, then I'd suggest keeping my distances. You should still try to forgive him eventually (for your own sake, not his), but that doesn't mean you'd need to have any sort of relationship with him.

    Just remember, he can ask for forgiveness, but its not something he can demand.

  5. #5

    Default

    I'm immature when it comes to this sort of thing, so if it were me I would not forgive him. Especially if he isn't truly sorry or even acknowledges that he treated you poorly then f**k him in my book.

  6. #6

    Default

    I've tried having the heart to heart talk, but all he did was lie to my face. I told him flat out what he was doing was killing me. I told him that I have no motivation in my life anymore. How everyday I look in the mirror and hate what I see, both who I am and where I am. I told him I accept death, if it were to happen right now, that would be fine, because I have nothing good going for me in my life.

    A part of me really wants to say "I forgive you" and the other is going "It's just another lie" As for the second chance, I have given him like 5. Now your probably wondering why, I even still speak with him after 5+ times. To tell you the truth, I don't even know anymore. He is still my father and will be the only one I will ever have. The Bible says to forgive and to respect thy father. But I just do not know.

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by WingDog View Post
    I've tried having the heart to heart talk, but all he did was lie to my face. I told him flat out what he was doing was killing me. I told him that I have no motivation in my life anymore. How everyday I look in the mirror and hate what I see, both who I am and where I am. I told him I accept death, if it were to happen right now, that would be fine, because I have nothing good going for me in my life.

    A part of me really wants to say "I forgive you" and the other is going "It's just another lie" As for the second chance, I have given him like 5. Now your probably wondering why, I even still speak with him after 5+ times. To tell you the truth, I don't even know anymore. He is still my father and will be the only one I will ever have. The Bible says to forgive and to respect thy father. But I just do not know.
    you're being far too patient with your father...he doesn't deserve it. :/ But you shouldn't feel down on yourself at all just because he's crapped on you. There are many others that do care and even though they aren't your father, they are there. We are here for you. =)

  8. #8

    Default

    It is possible to forgive him. Do so for your own sake, and NOT for his. He probably does not care if you forgive him or not.

    And forgiving him does not necessarily mean you will have to have anything to do with him, and it does not mean that it is an admittance that he was right. It is possible to forgive him and hold your ground against his bullshit at the same time.

    The resentment you are holding against him is not hurting him. So ask yourself, what's the point of carrying it around in that case?

    Everything I said is easier said than done. A LOT easier said than done. But pulling it off is more rewarding than thinking, "OMG! I fucking hate that guy!" Letting it go and reaching the point where you don't think about that guy any more than you absolutely need to is priceless.

  9. #9

    Default

    I think it's sad that so many of us have similar histories. I for one, will never actually forgive my father, but I tried. I told him that if he could actually apologize to me, and MEAN it, then I would forgive him. He laughed in my face, and told me that I had a terrific childhood, and that he had nothing to be sorry for. Well, I still call him at least once every 2 months, just to make sure he's alive. That's about it.

  10. #10

    Default

    Parents are just too narrow minded when it comes to this sort of thing sometimes. :p But I believe they mainly feel the way they do because it's new to them and they feel as if they have done something wrong in terms of parenting.(not to defend the blatantly a-hole parents)

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