So lately, I’ve been doing a lot of introspection and, for lack of a better word, soul searching about AB/DL/infantilism/diaper fetishism or whatever you prefer to call it. I have always really struggled with “self acceptance” and I’m currently trying my best to get over that. This has led me to seek out a few different avenues and I’ve had a few very good and thought provoking conversations as a result.
One of these conversations was actually with the pastor of the church I go to. Just for a bit of background, I go to a VERY open minded, gay welcoming, non-bible bashing/thumping church that strongly promotes personal growth with god rather than just following a list of rules on “how to be a good Christian.” I decided to confide with her (yes, it’s a female pastor) about being AB/DL in hopes of getting a point of view from someone who has studied a lot of religion and theology. After I very sheepishly, nervously, and choppily described my interests she reassured me and asked a few clarification questions. She then started to ask me some “guided questions” to help me think about it the way someone from her standpoint would think about it. One of the questions she asked me really floored me, and has made quite an impact on me. The question was, “What need does this fulfill for you?” She asked me if I agreed with the idea that everything, or almost everything, we do in this life is “need driven.” I said “yes” and have been contemplating that topic ever since. It’s been almost a month since she asked me that question and I have finally arrived at a few conclusions as to what “needs” wearing diapers and acting out regression fantasies fulfills for me. These, of course, fall into a “including, but not limited to” and “subject to change at any time,” kind of category, but here it goes.
First, I feel that wearing diapers allows me to feel, in essence, “vulnerable.” It takes a little bit of explaining about my family situation as to why I would desire a place where it was okay and safe to feel vulnerable (Ironic concept, no?) that I don’t really want to go into. Suffice it to say, I got a lot of signals from my parents that things about them, and also the world I was living in, were not always safe, secure, sound, and healthy. I think that in typical “male fashion,” I overcompensated for this by adopting the conscious attitude that “I must be strong.” All the while, my subconscious was crying out to have a safe place, a place where I didn’t have to fix all the world’s problems, a place where I could let my guard down and still be safe. And of course, what better place for that than a securely tucked in a baby crib, swaddled tightly in soft diaper, with a teddy bear and paci and well…I’m sure you can get the picture.
Secondly, I feel that diapers offer me the reassurance that, at some point, someone will have to come and pay attention to me to at least check, if not change my diaper. Even though this wouldn’t be happening when I was wearing diapers after potty training, I feel as though my subconscious desperately wanted this reassurance. As before, I feel as though this can be explained by my family situation, since parental attention in my household was on a somewhat limited and “as needed” basis.
Finally, I know that I associated wearing diapers as a method of coping with anxiety. I don’t remember much from the potty training era, other than feeling very nervous and anxious about having accidents and feeling as though I was “bad” or “naughty” if I had an accident. When I had a diaper on, these worries didn’t apply. As I grew, when I encountered anxiety, my subconscious desired to fall back on what had alleviated anxiety in previous situations, trusty old diapers. (Not old as in used, I’m sure you know what I mean, lol)
So I know that this is pretty long, and I’m sorry If I’ve bored any of you, but now I want to ask YOU the same question my pastor asked me. What need(s) do(es) wearing diapers fulfill for you? I look forward to hearing your responses!