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Thread: Never felt romantic love.

  1. #1

    Default Never felt romantic love.

    I was doing some thinking this morning and i realised i have never felt romantic love in my life. In fact thinking about it i don't think i have even ever had a crush on anyone. I know im only 21 years old but surely i would have felt something by now..

    Is this abnormal or am i being overly sensitive?

    Also sorry if this post lacks cohesion its very late/early and ive been doing an assignment all night.

  2. #2

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by shyguy View Post
    I was doing some thinking this morning and i realised i have never felt romantic love in my life. In fact thinking about it i don't think i have even ever had a crush on anyone. I know im only 21 years old but surely i would have felt something by now..

    Is this abnormal or am i being overly sensitive?
    Well, as I see it, there are two possibilities:
    A) You've never met the right person, but still have the capacity for romantic feelings.
    B) You're asexual and aromantic.

    If the latter, then you're in good company. There are a couple of us here who are asexual, and asexuality comes in a variety of shades. Some people are asexual and still have romantic feelings, some have none whatsoever but will still pleasure themselves, and some are wholly abstinent from all sexual activity and have no romantic feelings whatsoever. And then there are people (like me) who are what we call demisexual. We can be sexually attracted to people, but it really only follows out of a deep emotional investment, rather than a physical desire for someone. In such a case, you might not feel any romantic feelings because you've just never gotten close enough to someone for them to be stirred up.

    It's not sure-fire proof that you're asexual -- maybe you really just haven't met the right person. But if it were me, if I had never had romantic feelings by the age of 21, I would be pretty suspicious that I might actually be some shade of asexual. You're average Joe is usually well acquainted with romantic feelings by age 21.

  4. #4

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    As someone who is about your age, and who has never had romantic feelings or a clear sexual interest in anyone of either sex, I've come to identify as an aromantic asexual. I strongly point you in the direction of AVEN as a good resource to figure out if such a label is reasonable for your circumstances.

    Is it unusual? Yes, but it's not unheard of. It's certainly more likely than the odds of being an AB/DL.

    Is it bad? Not intrinsically, but being in the same spot, I most certainly can emphasize with the anxiety because, frankly, its implications are significant. I've come to peace with the fact that the stereotypical 2.5 kids and a picket fence in which a lot of people find happiness is not an option for me, but it is not an easy thing to accept that your life will have to be significantly different that what society ascribes as the normal paradigm. Accepting yourself as a fetishist is easy by comparison because its implication for how you live your life are trivial.

    The way I see it, it is what it is and I can't change it, and I ought to plan my life with that assumption. It shapes my personality a bit, changes the lens through which I view the world, and leaves me with an outsider's overactive curiosity into something that strongly affects everyone else. All of this just is and thinking about what I don't have because of it is pointless, so I've learned not to dwell on the drawbacks.

  5. #5

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    I have had a good read of that AVEN site and other literature and i sincerely hope that i am not asexual (no offence meant). Its just that im not sure i could face a life of never feeling those things..

  6. #6

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    21? Thinking back on that age, I'd already loved and lost twice, and I had two more to go. -grin-

    I think all this talk of "waiting around for the right person" is overrated. Start trying to date, if you have urges in that realm. If not, as has been postulated before, maybe you have an asexual streak. I dunno.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by shyguy View Post
    I have had a good read of that AVEN site and other literature and i sincerely hope that i am not asexual (no offence meant). Its just that im not sure i could face a life of never feeling those things..
    You've been a bit of an, um, shy guy on details here, so it's hard for us to form a particularly clear judgment on whether you are or are not asexual. That said, it's the likely conclusion for us to reach from what details you are giving us.

    Regardless, this isn't really a question of "hope", and "not being sure that you could live a life without love" isn't a valid reason to draw the conclusion that you're not asexual. At 21, you're about 7-9 years from puberty, and if you haven't ever had sexual interest in other people, then it's a pretty reasonable assumption that it won't just up and happen tomorrow, or the next day, or next month, or next year. Sexual orientation has been known to change in over the lifetimes of a few percent of the population, but frankly, that just means that you have enough certainty to make decisions on the assumption that your sexual orientation now is what it will be for the rest of your life.




    It's not entirely clear what you want from this thread, and specifically, there seems to be a mismatch between what you asked and what you want. You asked if it's "normal" to be this way, but in response to me saying that yes, there's other people out there like this, you reveal that you've already investigated this and presumably realize such to be the case. Your above quote about hoping not to be asexual seems to suggest an ulterior motive: that you may have already reached this conclusion and are looking for one of us to raise our hand and say that we didn't find love until age puberty+9+X so as to provide an alternative to a conclusion you aren't happy with.

    If such is not the case, then I apologize for speculating. If such is the case, then, believe me, I've been there, and my personal journal bears quite a few pages of my internal struggle with accepting it - feel free to PM me if it would help.

  8. #8

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    I'm sorry if my post came across a certain way nutfree, i am just genuinely shocked that this revelation has presented itself. When i said i had read the literature i meant after you had posted that link to AVEN, i had never even considered it to be a possibility before then.
    I am truly sorry if i caused offence in my statement of hoping that it wasnt true, but it was a post made in shock.

  9. #9
    Pulluplover

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    I dont believe I experienced true love until a couple of years ago, at 39! I had a lot of fine companions, cared for many friends had some great sex, but never true love until now. That being said I had plenty of crushes, at least 2 before 21. BUT, then I went off to just have fun as a mountain man and rarely had a romantic relationship for nearly a decade. So, nothing abnormal. It will come along....

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by shyguy View Post
    I'm sorry if my post came across a certain way nutfree, i am just genuinely shocked that this revelation has presented itself. When i said i had read the literature i meant after you had posted that link to AVEN, i had never even considered it to be a possibility before then.
    I am truly sorry if i caused offence in my statement of hoping that it wasnt true, but it was a post made in shock.
    I'm not offended.

    I am, however, a bit frustrated. You're very vague on details of your situation. I was hoping with both of my previous two posts that, if you would respond, you might respond in some way that would indicate whether or not asexuality is a reasonable explanation for your situation. You have not; your answers either intentionally or unintentionally dodge that issue.

    I reiterate: it's really unclear what you'd like from this thread. I'd like to help you if possible, but you've been so vague that all of us out here are left guessing as to what type of help you need.

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