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Thread: I Need to Rant

  1. #1

    Exclamation I Need to Rant

    My mother always knows how to guilt me. I made a post on Facebook about how I missed my family and that I was tired of being the black sheep. this was her reply:



    "Beth, you aren't the black sheep, you choose to not be involved with your family, they don't choose to not have anything to do with you.....think about that.....you won't even give us your address or let us see the baby............"
    Now I haven't felt like I was part of her family since my parents divorced when I was like twelve or so. They barely made contact with me, save for my mom. When my daughter was born my fiance and I were living with my step mom and dad and she came to see us and took me, my fiance, and daughter up to see my great grandma. We came back to my dad's and step mom's place and there was an "intervention" waiting for us. Apparently they thought we were off doing drugs and other shit (which, by the way, we don't even do save for smoking cigarettes and very occasionally drinking and NEVER around our daughter). We don't let any of them know where we live that way they don't drop in unexpectedly or call DFS on us. As to why we never visit or let any of them see the baby is so that they don't try to take our daughter away again. Just.. so much shit.

    I'll probably come back later when I'm not half asleep and add more to this.

  2. #2

    Default

    I'm sorry that this is your situation. As a parent and (young) grandparent...(at least I keep telling myself I'm young)....parents should want to see their children and grand children. We had our whole family home for Thanksgiving and it was wonderful for us. At the same time, we let our children live their own lives. If they ask for our advise, we give it to the best of our knowledge and experience. If they don't, we keep our mouths shut 99 percent of the time. I suspect that your mom does want you back in her life, but probably on her terms.

    I believe you can meet, but you would probably have to go to a court and have something set up so that they can't take the child from you. There are mediators who would do this. We adopted my wife's nephew when he was 12 and had to go through the court system. I don't believe it cost very much. I've heard where people appointed from the court would go to the household while parents and grandparents got together. It would at least be a first step.

    I of course don't know how much history you have between you and your mother, but I'm guessing a great deal. Sometimes past events, hurts and painful memories are hard to overcome. But as you get older, you change, becoming more mature and a little wiser. It's part of the process. When I was living at home, I thought my parents didn't know anything and certainly didn't trust me. Once I was out on my own and struggling, I realized why they said and did the things that they pounded into me. They were mostly survival skills, and skills that allowed me to negotiate through the demands of society.

    I applaud you on not doing drugs and very little alcohol. Drugs and alcohol were my life all through college and they contributed to a psychotic break. I also smoked a pack a day. After I got married I quit the drugs of course, but also the cigarettes. I'm so glad I stopped smoking, and I would encourage you to do the same, especially since you have a little one. You will feel better for doing it. Anyway....that's my parental lecture. I'm sure you needed on more...haha.

    I do wish you the best of luck in all of this. When the family fractures, it's very hard to put it back together. People have a tendency to bring all the past hurts and accusations to the table, and then they can never get past them. It's best to let it all fade into the past and start new. In the big picture, you are growing and changing. Your relationships will change with growth and maturity. Good luck my friend.

  3. #3

    Default

    This is very sad... i find as i get to know people more and more on these forums there is a trend of alot of people having very broken families and childhoods... You have my sympothies and for the sake of your daughter i suggest the best thing to do is to live strong and support her as best you can. Learn from the hurts of your past and give her the attachment and desire of a proper loving mother. Raise her properly and she will be your angel, your friend, your supporter, and your legacy.

    *comfort hugs*

    Best wishes,

    Chiharu

  4. #4

    Default

    I have no words of wisdom to give to you. I have no experience in these fields.

    All I can offer you a big ((((((((((hug)))))))))) and my prayers that the best will come for you and your family.

    Keep your head up.

  5. #5

    Red face



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I'm sorry that this is your situation. As a parent and (young) grandparent...(at least I keep telling myself I'm young)....parents should want to see their children and grand children. We had our whole family home for Thanksgiving and it was wonderful for us. At the same time, we let our children live their own lives. If they ask for our advise, we give it to the best of our knowledge and experience. If they don't, we keep our mouths shut 99 percent of the time. I suspect that your mom does want you back in her life, but probably on her terms.

    I believe you can meet, but you would probably have to go to a court and have something set up so that they can't take the child from you. There are mediators who would do this. We adopted my wife's nephew when he was 12 and had to go through the court system. I don't believe it cost very much. I've heard where people appointed from the court would go to the household while parents and grandparents got together. It would at least be a first step.

    I of course don't know how much history you have between you and your mother, but I'm guessing a great deal. Sometimes past events, hurts and painful memories are hard to overcome. But as you get older, you change, becoming more mature and a little wiser. It's part of the process. When I was living at home, I thought my parents didn't know anything and certainly didn't trust me. Once I was out on my own and struggling, I realized why they said and did the things that they pounded into me. They were mostly survival skills, and skills that allowed me to negotiate through the demands of society.

    I applaud you on not doing drugs and very little alcohol. Drugs and alcohol were my life all through college and they contributed to a psychotic break. I also smoked a pack a day. After I got married I quit the drugs of course, but also the cigarettes. I'm so glad I stopped smoking, and I would encourage you to do the same, especially since you have a little one. You will feel better for doing it. Anyway....that's my parental lecture. I'm sure you needed on more...haha.

    I do wish you the best of luck in all of this. When the family fractures, it's very hard to put it back together. People have a tendency to bring all the past hurts and accusations to the table, and then they can never get past them. It's best to let it all fade into the past and start new. In the big picture, you are growing and changing. Your relationships will change with growth and maturity. Good luck my friend.
    I'm not so sure bringing court into this would be such a good idea because it would probably make things worse but you're right she probably does want me back but on her terms. I thought I was past everything she had done to me when I was a kid but apparently not. I'm sorry to hear that drugs and alcohol caused you a psychotic break *hug* I'm glad you were able to stop, especially the cigarettes because I know that, at least for some people (like me) , it's hard to do. I don't mind the parental lecture from you because at least you're nice about it. :P Thanks for wishing me luck. I'll probably need it. XD OH and this is what she replied with after I told her what I told her.


    "Listen here young lady, I don't know what Tim & Kelli told you but I was not trying to take your baby, they were.....why would I want to take your baby from you when you are perfectly capable of taking care of her yourself? I know you are caught in the middle but please remember, everything Tim tells you just might not be the truth..........YOU are my daughter, Rinoa is my grand daughter no matter what, nothing will ever change that...........I love you both with all my heart, remember, you are my first born Beth.....nothing will ever change that or how I feel about you......now, get over it, lets move on and give your family (my side) an opportunity to have something to do with you & the baby....the ball is now in your court."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~


    Quote Originally Posted by Chiharu View Post
    This is very sad... i find as i get to know people more and more on these forums there is a trend of alot of people having very broken families and childhoods... You have my sympothies and for the sake of your daughter i suggest the best thing to do is to live strong and support her as best you can. Learn from the hurts of your past and give her the attachment and desire of a proper loving mother. Raise her properly and she will be your angel, your friend, your supporter, and your legacy.

    *comfort hugs*

    Best wishes,

    Chiharu

    You are so sweet, ya know that? *hug* I try to be the best parent I can for her but I know I still have A LOT to learn. ><
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~



    Quote Originally Posted by KaworuVsDrWily View Post
    I have no words of wisdom to give to you. I have no experience in these fields.

    All I can offer you a big ((((((((((hug)))))))))) and my prayers that the best will come for you and your family.

    Keep your head up.
    Thank you so much! *hug*
    Last edited by Pandoras; 29-Nov-2010 at 04:31. Reason: Added more, cleaned it up some.

  6. #6

    Default

    At least your mom had some positive things to say. I'm sure that had to be a little reaffirming. It can't be easy raising a child on your own. Is the father still in the picture? I got the feeling he is. I think you will get back together with your mom. You may have to be careful where you pick the place. Perhaps you have some friends that could go with you. You could meet in a central location, so to speak. I know of others who have done something like that. Anyway, I wish you the best in all of this. Life is never easy, between working, raising a family, and trying to keep one's head above water. At least you have all of us very different kind of people here on this site to support you and give you some sense of comfort. I know that so many members here have been kind to me. It means a lot.

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    At least your mom had some positive things to say. I'm sure that had to be a little reaffirming. It can't be easy raising a child on your own. Is the father still in the picture? I got the feeling he is. I think you will get back together with your mom. You may have to be careful where you pick the place. Perhaps you have some friends that could go with you. You could meet in a central location, so to speak. I know of others who have done something like that. Anyway, I wish you the best in all of this. Life is never easy, between working, raising a family, and trying to keep one's head above water. At least you have all of us very different kind of people here on this site to support you and give you some sense of comfort. I know that so many members here have been kind to me. It means a lot.
    Yeah, her dad is in the picture still, thank God. I don't know what would happen without him. And I agree, taking people with us when we meet would be the best idea and it would work out perfectly since we don't have a car. The last time I saw my mom was in September when my "husband" (he's my "husband" because he decided that there's no need for us to get married since he already considers us married, which I'm fine with), our friend, and I went to a family reunion. My mom got all bent out of shape because we didn't drag a two-year-old on a two hour car trip. I thought it was reasonable. She got bent out of shape because of my great grandma. Yes, I feel awful about it. God, all of this sucks. It's hard to stay away from family just because of your mother. Oh and if you were wondering who Tim and Kelli are that's my dad and step mom. @[email protected] And they didn't tell me anything. She automatically assumes he's done something wrong because they don't get along.

    I do appreciate the well wishes and hugs I've been getting. I expected people to be more guarded on this site but I was very wrong. I love it here even though I don't fit in at all. You've been very kind to me from the start and I appreciate it.
    Last edited by Pandoras; 29-Nov-2010 at 13:32. Reason: Forgot to explain something.

  8. #8

    Default

    Well I'm a kid with abusive bio-parents, I am guessing that you have not come to the point in your life yet where you have healed and no longer love them. I'm still there too You badly want what you and your kid should have, but that isn't the life you have been given. You think that because you do everything as correctly as you can, that your actions should matter, you think that because you are kind and nice people should be kind and nice to you. Sadly this is only how the world works for some people.

    Not only do you need to delete your mom's hateful comment from your facebook page, but I would think of removing her view access as well. She clearly has a lot of issues and is NOT ready to work through them with you in a healthy way. She may never be. You have to make her realize her loss (of you) and you have to make her work to get you back, just like she was some cheating guy. If you don't make her work to be in your good graces, you will never have her respect.

    You do have to honestly though ask yourself if it is worth exposing your child to her and her kind.

    Your mother abandoned you when she divorced your father and you have said that she has done nothing to earn another chance from you.

    For your kids sake, do not see her.

    That's the best advice I can give you.

  9. #9

    Default

    Ah the guilt game I know it well.

    I don't have the best relationship with my father's family either. A couple of months ago I got a wedding on Facebook (Jesus Christ whatever happened to invitations) and I messaged my cousin back and said something to the effect of dude if you sent this to me by mistake I'll just pretend I never saw it. And he messaged back nah man I would really like it if you were there.

    It was the first time I had seen any of these people since Grandmas funeral 5 years ago. I can't say that it was fantastic but it wasn't an unpleasant experience by any means. I don't know what your situation is but if that experience taught me anything is that it is better to attempt to make contact and hope for the best. You could always be surprised.

    But this is probably a good illustration of the fact that if you aren't comfortable enough to be on speaking terms with someone in real life you shouldn't approve the friend request.

    Best of luck with this.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I'm sorry that this is your situation. As a parent and (young) grandparent...(at least I keep telling myself I'm young)....parents should want to see their children and grand children. We had our whole family home for Thanksgiving and it was wonderful for us. At the same time, we let our children live their own lives. If they ask for our advise, we give it to the best of our knowledge and experience. If they don't, we keep our mouths shut 99 percent of the time. I suspect that your mom does want you back in her life, but probably on her terms.

    I believe you can meet, but you would probably have to go to a court and have something set up so that they can't take the child from you. There are mediators who would do this. We adopted my wife's nephew when he was 12 and had to go through the court system. I don't believe it cost very much. I've heard where people appointed from the court would go to the household while parents and grandparents got together. It would at least be a first step.

    I of course don't know how much history you have between you and your mother, but I'm guessing a great deal. Sometimes past events, hurts and painful memories are hard to overcome. But as you get older, you change, becoming more mature and a little wiser. It's part of the process. When I was living at home, I thought my parents didn't know anything and certainly didn't trust me. Once I was out on my own and struggling, I realized why they said and did the things that they pounded into me. They were mostly survival skills, and skills that allowed me to negotiate through the demands of society.

    I applaud you on not doing drugs and very little alcohol. Drugs and alcohol were my life all through college and they contributed to a psychotic break. I also smoked a pack a day. After I got married I quit the drugs of course, but also the cigarettes. I'm so glad I stopped smoking, and I would encourage you to do the same, especially since you have a little one. You will feel better for doing it. Anyway....that's my parental lecture. I'm sure you needed on more...haha.

    I do wish you the best of luck in all of this. When the family fractures, it's very hard to put it back together. People have a tendency to bring all the past hurts and accusations to the table, and then they can never get past them. It's best to let it all fade into the past and start new. In the big picture, you are growing and changing. Your relationships will change with growth and maturity. Good luck my friend.
    "Dogboy" that is the best advice I ever heard anyone give "Amazing" I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm like tearing up over here.

    But to you hun the only thing I got is hold in there and just cherish your child as much as posibly.

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