Hello and greetings,
I am only noise on the wired, a former shell of what I once was. But I persist and I strive to be a good girl every day. I've learned over the years that pretty much once I start to care about something, it either quickly changes or it lashes out at me, to damage me. So for once, I am trying to be a part of something without caring about it. Maybe the fact that this isn't an ideal place for me, will increase its chance of not changing on me.
I've spend the last year or two trying to find some kind of local support group, or like anything...but they either are not Trans friendly, not LG friendly, ageist, or have some other kind of bias or restriction to prevent me from attending or vollinterring, or from in any way feeling welcome.
I've never really known sex outside of abuse/rape and so I really have extreemly little interest in it, my young mind I've learned doesn't even have the same sexual goals someone of my physical age would have.
My body is so warn down from ongoing problems that for example, it has taken me about three hours so far to be able to breathe, maybe with 1/3 to 40% volume breaths, I am still trying to get my blood pressure down enough that I can do anything more than sit. I desperately want to be able to walk around so I can re-align my back from last night, which is hurting a lot...but I cannot until I can get the blood pressure down. I have been sick about 3 months with no sign of being well again in sight. I had to miss out on Halloween and on most of the fun things I would do during the summer because I had to isolate myself from people to try to get well and stay well.
Work has been really tough too and I have had to take some pretty crazy risks, all the while barely letting on how bad things are to my clients. The fact that I have to work I also find just insane. Utterly insane. The fact that with working I can only keep myself homeless (I have a 70's RV I live in that is older than my physical age lol) and it is a piece...it leaks, etc...but it is better than being in 40 degree weather in a tent, no?
I have lost all faith in humanity. People see me suffering all the time and the most common reaction is to at some point in time, ask me to further mask my alements, or in some extreem cases to actually give them a time line outlining when I will get well. 0_0
Adults have used and abused me through much of my life and I do not trust them at all. I still cannot find any good rational for their existance. I used to think they had a place...but now I fear that was more of my misplaced want to see the best in everyone. It's not that I outwardly reject them (when I really should), I've just learned that little good comes from them.
To take a page from my mother, she would tell me over and over again that I could abuse my kids like she abused me, because they would be my kids and have no say in the matter. Although every time I was told this I wondered why I would want to be a monster to my children, just because I could. She would keep trophies of things broken over my sister and I in the kitchen so her church friends could see them. She abandoned me at multiple place while growing up like pizza parlors, malls, etc. I just never got the hint, and just thought she was being mean to me, making me find my own way home from a strange place.
I've experienced the "dashed hope" so many times in life that I have lived without it for years. Not depressed, but just a realists view that things are only going to get worse. I so desperatly want to post a youtube video on the things get better thing, but the realist view that things only get worse. The years being bullied by your family, your schoolmates, etc really were not all that bad compared to being a homeless, trans young adult with multiple disabilities. I live in a country that doesn't give a crap about providing health care to those who desperatly need it. I have actually been on a state based health care for 2 months now and I desperatly want to get some help to get my immune system off my heart, but I have been waiting these two months to get all the paperwork (after being approved) and to get assigned a Dr and stuff. In a few weeks to a month I might be able to go see a Dr., but I know it will be the same story as before with the state based health care not wanting to pay for immuno-suppressive drugs, let alone wanting to help me with anything else. I haven't even been able to walk into a Drs office yet and already it feels like another cruel joke from reality. Drs want my problems to be simple and easy to fix, when they find out that I have done nothing on my own for some of the organ problems I have, they get really frustrated because the true causes are too expensive to treat. I have been fighting the cruel joke of SSD since 1999 and again that is a cruel joke of hope. If it didn't exist, if there was simply no hope (although there may be none) I could lay down my arms and just die in depression. Eventually though they are gonna push their cruel joke too far and break me. I really didn't think I had 11 years in me to wait. Really didn't.
I have never known a time in my life where I wasn't preyed upon or wasn't suffering from great pain. The fact that I have been in great pain alone from being hin-n-run while on my way to HS one early morning to open up the computer lab, and the fact that I have been suffering from it for 16 years, yes, half of my physical life, occasionally having some medical help, but mostly not. The last time I had a regular Dr, which was about 5 years ago, I was on 55mg of Hydro a day with 20mg oxy and a battery of other drugs. So I can tell you the pain is not slight. I actually have a very wonderful tollerance to pain, which is why when I was younger paintball and things like it appealed to me, because I could deal with the pain easy.
I could kinda keep going on and on and on...but well this is already a pretty insanely lengthed "hello" message.
I will sum it up by saying that the few people who have stuck around me are amaised on a monthly basis with my bad luck...or destiny?
I sit here thinking about my life, over the things I have done, mostly for others and I wonder if all of it was ever worth the risk. I know now, but too late, that humans almost only help themselves. Siding with humanity, for nearly my whole life, might have been a mistake. No not might, it was. *gasp* I can hardly believe I said that outloud.
Please understand, that I say that out of loss.