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Thread: Dying Alone - A need to vent.

  1. #1

    Default Dying Alone - A need to vent.

    Just having one of those days/weeks/months/years where it seems like everything is working against obtaining a relationship. I finally realized that I was probably destined just to die alone. I'm one of those people that needs someone just to be with otherwise I start going crazy ... and I've spent 95% of my life alone, so I'd say I'm pretty well 95% crazy. And this whole dating community of ab's and dl's just seems to be set up to fail. Those lucky few get through, but the rest of us are forced to abandon our feelings and search elsewhere ... I've been there and back and I'll let you know ... there is nothing on the other side. At least these forums are here for us crazy people left.

    Sorry, had to come out of lurking to vent somewhere.

    If anyone else has anything crazy or wants to vent....

  2. #2
    Butterfly Mage

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    Does your town have a "social" section of the city paper? Maybe there's a RPG group, or religious group, or sports group, or something that might appeal to your interests. I'm pretty introverted too and I know what it's like to feel lonely. I've become pretty active in my Wicca circle, so I do get out more than I used to. Look for book discussion groups too. They're good for meeting people of like mind.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Canuck View Post
    Just having one of those days/weeks/months/years where it seems like everything is working against obtaining a relationship. I finally realized that I was probably destined just to die alone. I'm one of those people that needs someone just to be with otherwise I start going crazy ... and I've spent 95% of my life alone, so I'd say I'm pretty well 95% crazy. And this whole dating community of ab's and dl's just seems to be set up to fail. Those lucky few get through, but the rest of us are forced to abandon our feelings and search elsewhere ... I've been there and back and I'll let you know ... there is nothing on the other side. At least these forums are here for us crazy people left.

    Sorry, had to come out of lurking to vent somewhere.

    If anyone else has anything crazy or wants to vent....
    We are all fundamentally and ultimately alone.

    Now that this is out of the way, we can work toward at least togetherness... I suspect that there is nothing unique about people in this community insofar as dating, other than:
    • More open to "kinks" of our partners;
    • We have a very much increased need to find someone who is honest and unscrupulously closed-mouthed. In short, we need to find high-quality people to engage in relationships with--genuine and honest relationships--than other people may.


    Are you trying to find someone within the AB/DL scene to have a relationship with? I couldn't tell from your post and have assumed not in my answer above. If you are trying to be this specific, you will obviously have a very difficult time; it's like looking for someone who is brunette, has blue eyes, AND likes listening to progressive rock--you may not find this person, and you will probably turn your back on many good people in the process of looking.

  4. #4

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    I'm fairly active at my school, I belong in a wide group of people, I wouldn't of even come online if I didn't think/try could find someone in the real world. It wouldn't seem that all the women that I know currently are engaged with relationships that date back to the high school years or they found people in their first year.

    As far as h3g3l, the only thing I believe that makes this community unique is that for most people this will get their biggest and darkest secret out, and they will understand where your coming from. Such aspects of our psyche such as kinks can come from deep seeded emotions and regrets, others come right out of left field. I've done my research, and I wouldn't be very good in my psychology classes if I didn't. I'm just trying to find someone in any scene, and have been on multiple dating sites off and on for a few years now. In my entire post the only thing I said about searching for an ab/dl person is that our community seems to have been set up to fail with the way dating sites have been done, and the general view of dating in our community. You can't argue with numbers, and for the most part legit women who are seriously looking for relationships are very hard to find in this community. I have never turned my back on an opening yet, regardless of where it comes from.

  5. #5

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    You are only 21, you have your whole life ahead of you, are you trying too hard ? maybe someone will find you

  6. #6
    Pulluplover

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    You are very young. I have felt the EXACT same way as you through life. I am active, a well known leader in all I do, yet I went for much of my life alone. And at age 40 only recently did I find the perfect women and begin having children. Stick to online dating, Match.com is the best. Dont get frustrated when 20 seemingly perfect women don't respond to your email. Just keep at it.....

  7. #7

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    Hmmm.

    1. Be careful what you wish for. For us introverts, being alone 24/7 is a hell of a lot easier than having togetherness 24/7. As for dying alone, last time I was really sick (like 15 years ago?) all I really wanted was to be left alone in peace. I know you didn't mean it literally, but its still something to think about.

    2. There's no such thing as a perfect match, and picking someone just like you can be a big mistake, because then you have the same weaknesses and blind spots. Better to have at least some different strengths and weaknesses so you're stronger as a team. It makes for conflict sometimes, but there are some things that I just can't do (or hate dealing with.....) that I leave to the wife, and vice versa.

    3. 21 is still pretty young. Just keep doing the things you like to do (...other than masturbating alone in your mom's basement of course), and you're more likely to find someone you can get along with long term. I'm skeptical of dating sites, although a good friend DID find his wife via match.com and they seem to be doing pretty well. Bear in mind they're both on their second marriage and in their late 40's, so expectations have been adjusted.

    4. Finding someone here could be frightening. If all you have in common is a very odd fetish/hobby/quirk, that wouldn't bode well.

  8. #8

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    honestly, finding someone "normal" and then converting them into the scene is far easier than finding someone who's already into it. if you search in the right places or among the right people, you're bound to find someone open minded enough to give it a try eventually. there's one important fact you shouldn't forget though... never try to deny any part of who you are for the sake of a relationship. I can virtually guarantee, if they aren't willing to accept you, it's not going to end well. I've talked to enough people who tried a normal life to know that "normal" is something we can't achieve.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Canuck View Post
    Just having one of those days/weeks/months/years where it seems like everything is working against obtaining a relationship. I finally realized that I was probably destined just to die alone. I'm one of those people that needs someone just to be with otherwise I start going crazy ... and I've spent 95% of my life alone, so I'd say I'm pretty well 95% crazy. And this whole dating community of ab's and dl's just seems to be set up to fail. Those lucky few get through, but the rest of us are forced to abandon our feelings and search elsewhere ... I've been there and back and I'll let you know ... there is nothing on the other side. At least these forums are here for us crazy people left.
    I think I might have written this word for word when I was 21. The wording, the expression...just eerie.

    I wish I could reply with some magic advice, but I can't. I really started struggling at age 21, and it's been up and down since then. And mostly down. But despite that, I think I've learned a great deal since then. One thing I learned is that my own insecurity is a greater barrier to relationships than something like 'ab/dl'. Sure, having such obscure personal characteristics might be a turn-off for some women, but it seems that it's not a 'deal-breaker' as often as it's something that can be discussed, accepted, and maybe even entertained--just as long as the person who identifies as ab/dl (like us) makes equal efforts to be sensitive and responsive to his/her partner's desires. But personal insecurity is likely to stop this process before it even starts. How could you develop a close relationship with someone when so much of your mind/thinking predicts disaster and loneliness?

    So what do we do?

    I'm still working on that. For starters, I know that confidence can be faked, in a manner of speaking: stand up straight, get a haircut, fortify yourself with nourishing bacon and coffee, and put on your best imitation of a healthy, 'together' person. Do that 45 minutes every other day--like a workout--and just see how you feel. I guess that'd be a lot of bacon...better add jogging to the list. I figure that'd help you feel better too.

    Also, I find that thinking about priorities helps a great deal. In the big picture, the things that are most important to me do not have anything to do with any peculiar fantasies or desires. I mean big ideas--things like human rights, certain beliefs about human development, etc. These are the things I try to keep in mind when meeting new people, making new friendships in new cities, and continuing to look for a romantic relationship.

    It's been a long time since I've been 'close' to another human being, but with what I've learned and experienced since being 21, I'm pretty sure I can change that. I don't know exactly how to do so yet, but I'm sure it can be done, and am feeling more ready/prepared to start making that happen.

    So, stick with it, Canuck. Commit to a problem-solving mentality, take advantage of the advice and encouragement you'll get from folks on this forum (or other wise individuals), and keep an open mind. Pretty lame advice, coming from a loner like me, but I believe in it and have hope.

  10. #10

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    Try not to feel too badly... you are only 21 and you have a lot of life ahead of you. I always planned on living and dying alone... I didn't even WANT a relationship, and when I was 23, I met someone, and within a month was living with them and within a few more months was married to that person... when you meet someone you're meant to be with (even if only for awhile), it just happens... you can't plan for it.
    My ex and I didn't work out, and I am back to not wanting to be in a relationship, but I now realise that whether or not I'm looking for one, it still may happen again.
    As long as you're meeting new people and being yourself, you're doing all the right steps (and really, the only effective steps). I'm not trying to simplify the issue, but I see no need to complicate it either.
    Oh yeah, and I'm only 25 now, so these things tend to happen at lightning speed!
    I wish you the best of luck!
    Last edited by GreeneQueen; 03-Nov-2010 at 03:02. Reason: after-thought.

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