I hate myself. Why? Because I am drowning in compulsions to do things that make me dysfunctional, weird and disgusting. Anyway, I believe that is a normal perception about an adult man who wears diapers all day, pisses and shits in them, and then masturbates in them because he just can't help himself.
I've never had a long term relationship with a woman because in my heart I know how disgusting I am, and that no self-respecting woman would want to be even ten feet away from me if she knew the truth about me, and my sick obsession.
Yea, I've been suicidal alright; ever since the sixth grade, and I hang on because I keep thinking that someone, SOMEWHERE, must know SOMETHING about how to stop this madness. Yet no therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist I have seen since I was sixteen (and I've seen dozens of them and told them of my condition) has ever even encountered infantilism, and none of them knew what to do about it.
So what the HELL am I supposed to do? I can't stop, and it's getting worse. There are no support groups for infantilists. Sex Addicts Anonymous is not the place for me because even though what I do is sick, that program is full of people who really hurt other people, like rapists and pedophiles...no thanks.
Am I doomed to this kind of lonely behavior for the rest of my life? It sucks! Goddammit! I would like to be normal, and have a real life like other folks. But no! I stay by myself most of the time because I feel stupid walking around with a diaper under my clothes, and yet I can't go anywhere without them because the obsession gnaws at me all the time - every day like a f***ing leach.