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Thread: I HATE myself for being an infantilist!

  1. #1

    Default I HATE myself for being an infantilist!

    I hate myself. Why? Because I am drowning in compulsions to do things that make me dysfunctional, weird and disgusting. Anyway, I believe that is a normal perception about an adult man who wears diapers all day, pisses and shits in them, and then masturbates in them because he just can't help himself.

    I've never had a long term relationship with a woman because in my heart I know how disgusting I am, and that no self-respecting woman would want to be even ten feet away from me if she knew the truth about me, and my sick obsession.

    Yea, I've been suicidal alright; ever since the sixth grade, and I hang on because I keep thinking that someone, SOMEWHERE, must know SOMETHING about how to stop this madness. Yet no therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist I have seen since I was sixteen (and I've seen dozens of them and told them of my condition) has ever even encountered infantilism, and none of them knew what to do about it.

    So what the HELL am I supposed to do? I can't stop, and it's getting worse. There are no support groups for infantilists. Sex Addicts Anonymous is not the place for me because even though what I do is sick, that program is full of people who really hurt other people, like rapists and thanks.

    Am I doomed to this kind of lonely behavior for the rest of my life? It sucks! Goddammit! I would like to be normal, and have a real life like other folks. But no! I stay by myself most of the time because I feel stupid walking around with a diaper under my clothes, and yet I can't go anywhere without them because the obsession gnaws at me all the time - every day like a f***ing leach.


  2. #2


    Ok, I can see your a little bit stressed. First thing you need to do is accept yourself for who you are. You need to know that what you do is not sick, it's something most people on this site do. You are not a freak, you are not sick, you are normal. Yes, you are normal. You are normal, because there is no sense of the word normal. Everything we do is out of the ordinary to someone, and the most common thing for another. You are not a freak, and you need to know that. You need to accept yourself, it may take time, but you can do it. PM me if you wish to talk further.

  3. #3


    Don't hate yourself! Listen, coming to terms with infantilism is not something easy to do. But I can offer at least a little bit of advice, I hope.
    First, just chill. Put everything in perspective for a little bit. What IS a diaper? It's a piece of plastic with some absorbent pads. What's wrong with that, in and of itself?
    Now what you do is not abnormal to any of us here. We've all had the daunting task of coming to terms and accepting ourseles for being the way we are. It's just sometimes not easy, especially when you have nobody to relate to. Make a friend here. Talk. Listen. People here are always there to listen to you. That's what were here for. We ARE a support community, and were here to support YOU.

  4. #4


    Does anyone else think this is a purge in progress? Like, maybe a long one?

  5. #5


    What you can do, and in fact, the only thing you can do, is come to terms with your infantilism. Luckily, infantilism isn't all that bad in the grand scheme of things.

    There is nothing objectively wrong with infantilism.

    Nobody is harmed by the fact that you enjoy diapers. Is it weird by society's standards? Yes. Is society particularly accepting of things that are unusual? No. Does society's subjective opinion really more important than your happiness? Absolutely not.

    We are not "disgusting" on some metaphorical level. We're people with a fetish. Lots of people have fetishes, and they enjoy their lives just fine, often with loving partners. There are a lot of "1 in x"-type bad things that can happen to a person, and we got the one that means we have a strong desire to spend a few hundred bucks a year on unusual sex toys. Frankly, it's a pretty tame problem to have in the grand scheme of things.'

    What's wrong here isn't the infantilism, but the way you view it, the way you're treating it as though it runs your life, is problematic. It's a part of what makes you you, and only a part. Your life is your own, your time is your own, and infantilism is just one of many things you enjoy doing with your time.

  6. #6


    Unfortunately I don't think that infantilism is something you can suppress or make go away - the fact that you have seen countless therapists and to no avail seems to be proof of this. Therefore, I think all you can do right now is learn to accept your infantilism, and to find a balance between infantilism and your normal life.

    You describe infantilism as making you 'dysfunctional, weird and disgusting,' and I feel that that seems to be a major problem. Yes, wearing diapers and dressing in baby things and getting a kick out of it is weird, in that it is certainly outside of the norm. But that isn't a bad thing in itself - most people have at least one unusual habit, interest or fetish that would seem weird to the people who don't share that interest. You also describe infantilism as 'disgusting,' and whilst it is true that the majority of people who don't understand, and have no want to understand, probably would initially think there is something a bit gross about using an adult diaper, wearing a wet or messy diaper for long periods and enjoying the feeling to the extent of masturbation, again that is not in itself a problem. There are other fetishes out there that would seem equally 'disgusting' to people who have no interest in them - watersports, scat, vomit, blood, voyeurism, even BDSM which is a fetish well-known by the mainstream would be seen as disgusting by some. But so what? What you are doing isn't hurting anybody (apart from yourself, possibly?) and being an infantilist with a fetish for diapers doesn't mean you can't leave a happy and fulfilling life.

    However, you also state that infantilism is making you 'dysfunctional,' and that I would say is a problem. You admit that your fetish has become an obsession, one which makes you afraid to leave the house, and that is not a good thing. If you let diapers take over your regular life then it is unsurprising that they will become a problem, and that they will effect your day-to-day living. It sounds to me like you have not found a healthy balance between wearing and enjoying diapers, and taking a break from diapers to enjoy your everyday life. i think what you have to do is leave the house, and do so without a diaper. It's not healthy to be wearing diapers 24/7 if it is hindering your life to the point where you are having suicidal thoughts and strong feelings of self-hatred.

    Aside from diapers, what other interests do you have? Perhaps it would be a good idea to take up a sport, or join a club/society etc that relates to an interest you have in order to meet people. It sounds like you are living a lonely existence which centres around your infantilism. Find something you enjoy doing enough, with people you enjoy spending time with, so that diapers are not constantly on your mind. I have had phases in which my infantilism has been on my mind almost constantly for a while, and it's okay to feed your desires somewhat and indulge in your interest when that happens, but not to the extent where it is taking over your life. It is important to lead a life outside of being an AB or DL as well. It is important to have times when you can go without diapers, and still feel happy and secure and relaxed. I don't think any therapist is going to be able to help you to give up your AB/DL lifestyle or desires, it is something ingrained in you, but perhaps one may be able to help you to find a balance between wearing diapers and leading your regular life.

    As for meeting a woman, many of the members on this website are in happy, healthy relationships with a partner who accepted their AB/DL lifestyle. Some members have even found partners who are happy to be involved in their AB/DL play. It is true that if you meet a woman and say, "Hello, I'm Moose and I like to wear diapers, use them and masturbate furiously in them. Can I buy you a drink?" any woman would most likely run a mile. However, if you build up a relationship based on honesty, trust, friendship and love with a woman, and then choose to share your fetish with her when the relationship has become more serious, it is more than possible that she will accept your desires to wear diapers, and may even support those desires.

    So in short my advice would be that you need to find a balance between being a person who wears diapers, and being a person who has other interests. Go and pursue some of your other interests, you must have some, and if you don't then go and try some stuff out. If you sit at home all day in a diaper you will never be able to move forward and away from being obsessed by, and dependent on, your fetish. Find something else you can look forward to, so instead of being out without a diaper and looking forward to getting home and putting one on you are at home in a diaper, and looking forward to taking it off and going to play Badmington (as a random example, if badmington isn't your forte maybe you are going to book club, or darts, or clay pigeon shooting, or dirt bike riding, or hiking, or embroidery classes, or a club for collecting egg-cups - whatever interests you!) with some friends. Hopefully by making time for yourself to be someone who doesn't wear diapers, as well as someone who does, and by finding opportunities to be happy without diapers, you will find accepting yourself, and this fetish, easier.

    Oh, and in terms of finding a support group for people who wear diapers, there are over 1500 members here at ADISC so I'm sure at least one of them will be able to relate to you, or offer you support and advice, or even just some kind words. ADISC is labelled as a support community, so by all means come here for the infantilism-related support you need

    Good luck in finding acceptance for who you are, even if it's not easy it will certainly be worth it in the end. x

  7. #7


    ***Disclaimer: Before I start to write anything, you should know that my mind sees situations from many places. It's so odd.***

    I think that we've all felt like you at one point in our lives, no matter what. We take something 'odd' that we have and completely blow it out of proportion. The first key to happiness with yourself is acceptance. You need to realize that you are not 'dysfunctional' 'weird' or 'disgusting'. You're a normal guy who likes something. If you're not hurting anybody in your practices, then you're okay. If you think that you're obsessed with it, though, it could be a type of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, which there ARE treatments for. If you feel like your everyday life and ability to function is being inhibited by your fetish, then you can find a therapist and tell them that you're preoccupied with an undisclosed fetish and you'd like help.

    Of course, you could always just be THINKING that your fetish is taking over your life, and, in fact, you're just insecure about it and making a mountain out of a molehill. It's understandable to make a quirk into an obsession with warped perception. (Perhaps somebody personally TOLD you that there's something wrong with you and that you're 'sick'? That can make anybody's self-esteem fall to the center of the earth no matter what their 'problem' is. Note the quotes.)

    Try living the big shabang for a day or two. You may find that once you really experience the full AB life, it's actually not that great and you'll find equilibrium within yourself. I try not to dictate how people live their lives, though, so if you really want to rid yourself of it, you can try. Fetishes are often very ingrained inside your psyche, though, so they really can't just be poofed away.

    I'd try accepting yourself and finding a balance first, though. It may sound awkward, but sometimes when you find a nice girl and you get to know each other really well, she'll be greatly accepting when you tell her. (Feel free to contact me on what you want to do, though. I can help you if you get lost on the route to happiness.)

  8. #8


    I apologize for my use of the "F" word in my thread title. I did use asterisks to bleep some of it out, but it was clearly an inappropriate way of expressing my feelings. My explanation, though not a justification, is that I was very upset and calling out for help, which I received. I promise to refrain from course language now and in the future on this site, as I highly value my membership here, and the people that come to these forums. Please forgive me.

  9. #9
    Butterfly Mage


    The problem with American culture (particularly American Christian culture) is that it tends to equate "weird", "unusual", and "different" with "evil". Personally, the only objectively wrong thing about using diapers for non-medical reasons is that it wastes natural resources. It doesn't hurt you. It doesn't hurt anyone else. It's just a waste of plastic and wood pulp. Period.

    America in particular has a strong negative social view on fetishes. But, again, this is primarily due to the strong influence of the Christian religion. But a majority opinion does not equate a correct opinion. After all, a majority opinion used to say that slavery is Biblicly justified and now only a handful of right-wing lunatics hold that view.

    Typically, a fetish doesn't go away. Fortunately, a diaper fetish is a fully legal fetish that doesn't hurt anyone.

    The important thing for you is to strike a balance between your sex drive and other aspects of your life, and to develop some measure of self-acceptance. After all, if you can't accept who you are, a mate won't either.

    Best wishes to you. May you find balance and peace.

  10. #10


    As others are saying, it really isn't easy to come to terms with it. Just being able to accept yourself is hard, but if you can do it things will look so much better. You would be surprised how many women out there would accept this and even join in. Older women are more kinky i hear . Just stay strong man, if you've got it this far you must be doing something right.

    I am sure you've tried to accept it before, but you can't give up. You can do it!

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