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Thread: Wondering if I blew my relationship, or am I kidding myself.

  1. #1

    Default Wondering if I blew my relationship, or am I kidding myself.

    First a little back story. Last weekend, I got to spend some time with my boyfriend, and later in the evening we were going to go out with some of my other friends. As the time grew closer, he decided he didn't want to go. the issue here is my friends were expecting us, we had reservations at a restaurant. Since I do everything possible to keep my word, I told him I was going to attend anyway, although I really was hoping he'd come anyway.

    Tonight I got a call from him with the 'we need to talk' tone. He was being a bit evasive, but I managed to get him to talk about what was bothering him even though I was out with friends. Essentially he feels I don't put forth enough effort for our relationship, nor do am I willing to adjust my schedule to spend time with him. Frequently I make plans and go off to do my own thing.

    Our conversation dealt with the fact that he mostly has Friday evenings, and Saturdays, and at a minimum, one of those should be devoted to alone time. I have no issue with this, in fact I would like to spend more time with him. I love about 45 minutes from his house, and it isn't a fun drive. Further, I'm an active person which means I spend as little time as possible sitting in front of the TV. I think TV is a huge waste of time. Also, since I work with computers, i spend 12+ hours a day in front of one, and the last thing i want to do is plant myself in front of a TV.

    Because of the demands of our jobs, we rarely get a weekend along together unless we leave town. I am a workaholic, and there is always a laundry list of things I should be getting done. He is a teacher/owner of a private school, and his partner doesn't seem able to do things on her own. I'm not going to get into the middle of that, nor pass judgement, but I often feel she is jealous of the time we spend together.

    He has only once come to my house, and really it wasn't a great experience. He didn't approve of my place, and spent a fair amount of time picking on it, and me. I have a file server in my living room because I can't stand to have another system upstairs in the office. There is a large hole in my ceiling because my landlord refuses to fix anything. the place isn't the cleanest, nor it is decorated. I have artwork sitting in the corner, and have no intention of hanging it up because my landlord would throw a fit about putting holes in the walls. Essentially, my place isn't one that I can entertain.

    He has a roommate, and doesn't feel his place works for us being close because he feels uncomfortable. He also said he doesn't feel comfortable expressing affection in public. I'm not talking about crawling all over each other, but simple things that many newly married couples do.

    Our conversation is likely to continue during our scheduled alone time this weekend. Having to schedule time with each other just seems wrong to me, and he clearly doesn't like spontaneity of any kind. i'm not sure what to do here. simply, our political views are opposites. i'm fairly active, while he is content to spend the evening on the couch. He wants to have sex whenever we're alone. I honestly don't really care about the sex. Yes, its fun, but I go with it because it makes him happy. I just want someone to spend time with, be close to, and someone i can have a conversation with.

    Now that I'm done rambling, I find myself wondering if this is just a bump in the road, did I do something, or a series of somethings that killed out relationship, or am i kidding myself to think that two people so opposed could have a lasting long term relationship? I'm not saying we're done, but these are things that need to be sorted out or we will be done.

  2. #2


    First and formost, this is probably the wrong place to ask for relationship advice. Second, I should be the last person to give advice. But since you asked and since I'm here...

    I guess it matters what you want out of the relationship. Do you consider this more of a fling, a nice to have relationship for good times? Or are you looking for something more? Something longterm, something to go to the most serious stage (if it ever becomes legal in this horrible state)?

    If its just for fun, I would say consider breaking up. If a relationship for fun isn't fun anymore (from what you describe, its often unpleasant spending time with him), then there is no reason to continue torturing yourself. You're two different people from what you describe, and if you or he is not serious about the relationship, why bother having it?

    On the other hand, your differences don't mean you can't have a serious relationship. An example, if you will. My father and stepmother are totally different people. Father is active, expressive, and very conservative. Stepmother is slothlike, reserved, and union liberal. They would never be friends. They could only be married. Same with you guys, to an extent. You are both different people, yet you can complement each other so well. You could both be forced out of your comfort zones. You could teach him the joys of an active lifestyle, and perhaps he could teach you the value of just relaxing at the end of the day with the person you love. Don't let these issues dissuade you from pursuing a serious relationship if that is what you want.

    I think that you two might want to get together (alone), and discuss these issues. He will never know how you feel if you don't make it clear to him. See what he wants, and see if that matches what you want. If it does, great. If it doesn't you're wasting your time. IMHHSO.

  3. #3


    I'm not sure where you stand on this relationship when I look at your wording. You say you have to "schedule" make it sound like your b/f is a work meeting that you only reluctantly go to because you don't like the place (roommate / no privacy), the agenda (sex) and the timing. So I'm asking myself what's keeping you in the relationship to begin with? Actually, you should be asking that yourself.

    That said, if you think you two want to fix your issues, you'll have to look into changing some stuff. For once, find a place where you can both share time together, so either one of you has to move (or kick out the roomie). Sounds like yoU#re the prime target here with your gaping whole in the ceiling and the douchebag landlord. May be a good time for you to get some together-time with your b/f if he helps you move and set up a new place, even decorate it. That's 3 problems solved in one go: New place, new decoration, together time.

    Other than that, it's up to you guys and what your conclusions will be concerning your plans for the future.

  4. #4


    When we go away for a weekend, we have a great time together. Its just when we're home that we don't get to spend any time with each other. It *does* seem that spending time alone together is work meeting. Mostly because we can't just spend time with each other when we want to. He makes me feel like I have to plan that in advance, which ruins a great deal of the fun.

    Because he is so inactive, when I drag him out somewhere, it almost makes me feel like he is a fashion accessory. I really don't want that to be the case, and would like to go do things that he enjoys as well, but those are so few and far between. I have to find a way to get him to relax. Not everything has to be structured. A long walk in the woods can be just an enjoyable stroll.

    My goal is a long term relationship. I'm not into a 'fling'. When I have sex with someone, i want it to mean something. Really, I could just as easily go without the sex, but its important to him. The phone call yesterday is just making me question if maybe he is thinking our relationship is disposable.

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