I feel like such a loser admitting to having this situation but as a friend of mine said to me tonight this is a support forum so maybe it is ok for me to admit to having this problem.
I've come to a stage in my life where I'm lonesome and I would like to have people to be able to chat to now and again but I only work a two way street and too few people are willing to do that. They either want to constantly role play and nothing else or they want to tell me all their problems without letting me talk about what's upsetting me or they let me talk about what's going on with me without opening up which makes me wonder..am I going to be stabbed in the back with this later or not?
Sometimes at night I just feel lonesome and I wish that I could talk to my gay boys again. But I realise that this is never going to happen. Maybe one day I could have something similar. Just maybe.
In the last few years my life seems to have taken a few drastic turns. Five years ago I was driving the car with my gay boys sitting in the back seat. They'd give me some money for petrol and we'd go out to say Macca's together and then to the park. I'd go through a drive through and they would order food and give me the money for it always getting me something or if one was short that week I'd get him something extra like maybe a milkshake. I could never afford much but of what I could afford I was more than willing to share.
These people have just walked out on me for some reason or other really giving meaning to the statement that sometimes people are just in and out of your life for a reason. We became like a family these friends and I with me as their big sister and them as my boys or when I had girls who were there as well I refered to them all as my little sweet hearts, I used to look at them in the same kind of light as I would my little 3 year old nephew and they loved it. They were open to me about EVERYTHING and I was open to them as well. Nothing was hidden from any member of the gay family and we all felt safe and happy with each other. When I would enter a room it wasn't a matter of where would I sit when there were no chairs available but who's lap did I want to sit on because both my gay boys and the lesbians alike thought of me as being their big sister but also nurtured the child in me and knew that it was there just waiting to be picked up. There was nothing sexual about this close friendship that we all had which most people in the mainstream wouldn't understand but I thought maybe the people here might.
Sometimes at night I miss being able to talk to them even online and knowing that I am going to see them again in a few days. I just sit at the computer alone, looking at different forums here and on some other abdl sites that I'm in wondering whether there is a place for me in this world yet. If there are still places that I can feel wanted and needed and appreciated. Somewhere that me and even my wife as well could feel like we were wanted as these people are no longer there and haven't been for a long time.
Its hard to be open about those around me about my adult baby life. About how much it takes over my life. Its like being gay to me. Its not just something in the bedroom but its the way that I think of my life and the way that I look at the world. All I ever wanted was a woman who could take over all the facets of my life like a real mother. Now that I have it I just miss having a family to go with it. Its hard living the life sometimes because your whole world starts to revolve around what mommy says and what she expects of you. Its like there's nothing else outside of her and being a dependant AB just makes life harder. I mean how do you talk to you friends...
"what are you up to?"
"oh just writing a post in a site"
"what kind of site"
I mean its just not that easy
I tried to tell one of my friends and she said "nikki your not an adult baby"
and then proceeded to tell ME what SHE thought they were and she was WAY off I tried to tell her what they were and she just thought she was right and I was wrong and I haven't wanted to talk to anybody else about it since
I've just been scared since then so i figured I had to find new friends who DID understand what that was like my other friends would do something like say "why does what you do in the bedroom have anything to do with me?"
they can't fathom that this is actually a lifestyle just like being gay is a lifestyle. Its not just in the bedroom, its in how you see life.
In all honesty I've been thinking of writing this for a while because I just don't have the guts to look at someone's personal information and start typing up IM's from around the site. Of people who I think sound nice or who have offered to help others in the past that I think might be interesting to get to know further. I don't know why. I mean what's the worse that can happen? Ignore and block right? But I don't know.
Maybe I still fear rejection like my counsellor told me five years ago. I fear people who hurt me as well or that really don't understand where I'm coming from. I never really did fit the role of mommy with that gay family but I fit big sister pretty well. Like in the ABDL I guess I created my own family without even knowing what an AB is! I just had these gay boys and lesbians that used to tell me all their problems and just everything about them.We were open together. I could be open and so could they. We were like a gay family and they were like my little brothers/sisters.
But all good things come to an end. They all left for one reason or another At times I'd even think of them as being like my babies. But one went off to college and had no time, another fell for the wrong guy and wouldn't listen to me,another just stopped talking to me cos I broke up with my ex girlfriend
My friend asked me: Do you miss this family?
To which I could only reply yes and looked away.
The truth is a big part of me misses them, quite a lot. I miss sitting in a group with them and having one get upset because I forgot to give him a hug. I miss sitting up typing to them at night and letting them know how things are going and trying to help them with what's going on in thier lives. They all made me feel really wanted and loved. In fact they'd even have arguements over who I was sitting with.
"no no she's sitting with me its ok"
They made me feel like I was a part of a family again and like I was worth something. After losing my own family with my father and stepmother, stepsister and stepnephew (nephew) because of my father's violence and their lack of wanting to believe me I really needed that. It was something I desperately wanted and never told anyone about. I don't even know why I'm writing this now really.
I haven't thought of them in a long time. When I have its only been for a few minutes before I pushed the thought quickly away before I got too upset. It happened five years ago. I'm 23 years old now and it feels like it was another lifetime away. How much can happen in just five years.
Maybe that's part of my attraction to the abdl lifestyle. The hope that maybe I could get back with some people that would make me feel like I had a family again. Maybe I could feel once more like there were people around who really cared. Maybe.