I have no idea if a thread on this topic has already been posted - during a brief check before I found no matches, although the phrasing is a little generic. In either case, i'm not in the right mindset nor have sufficient concentration to be able to check fully. If it is somewhat duplicated, I apologise.
Anyway, moving on..
Recently, i've been wondering what I am living for, as it seems that despite my best attempts at correcting mistakes of the past, somethings are just coming back to haunt me, other people are causing me problems, and/or factors of my life (i.e. medical conditions and similar) are affecting me, completely beyond my control.
Within the last year my relationship with my previous boyfriend ended, and not in a manner I would have wished for. Whilst we no longer live together, we are still on speaking terms, although I always get the impression that there is an air of apprehension involved, which I guess is inevitable oweing to the circumstances involved.
Nevertheless, despite his (and certain other persons) opinions that things would never change, I decided they would, and quickly, as my hand was forced in speed terms, having been given two months to vacate where I was living, and with little known options for finding someone to share with (I do not have enough of an income to get my own place).
So I did that, which surprised me, i.e. actually find somewhere else to live, and someone to share with, in a location within walking distance to the town centre, a property with an excellent amount of space and facilities (each of us has our own bathroom, and there is a separate office area), and what is virtually a house in terms of size (although legally it's an apartment), managed to actually start being punctual to my job and social committments (my punctuality became a running joke, often compared to British Rail!), started eating more heathily, drank less (even smoked less, although didn't manage to quit), and became much more fiscally responsible.
Generally, things were looking up, or were they?
If things had continued as anticipated I would have had a constant three-figure credit balance between pay periods (which is an achievement on my income, I can assure you), together with accruing savings, yet with all responsibilties (rent, council tax, mobile contract, etc) paid on-time, and in full.
I did for example, pay for several expensive items outright and immediately, such as the damn TV licence, amongst others.
However, I started to get worried four weeks into the tenancy when my flatmate announced to me that his employer had failed to pay him for this month (he's paid monthly).
Considering that I had already lent him £50 in cash from my current account, I was now left with no option to fund the rent deficit myself, and within 36 hours to avoid becoming homeless. I did this, in a state of anger-fuelled depression via my credit card.
Yes that's right, I took a £300 cash advance (rent is £600 per month) from my Visa card. For this act of complete necessary-evil-insanity I will be "fined" a ridiculous amount of money (in interest) until I pay it off.
I was assured that all this money (£350) would be repaid the next time he was paid, the following month, so resigned myself to the displeasure of encountering horrid amounts of interest from the perspective of a short-term solution.
So, imagine my complete and utter horror and wish to lash out at the next person when, upon returning home from work after being taken ill, following a bad epileptic seiziure (an annoying medical condition of mine) at work, exacerbated by working in a building with faulty air-conditioning, hot temperatures, bright lights and poor air-circulation, to be confronted by the letting agent about the apparent lack of cleaning of the apartment (another sore point, i'll return to), and my flatmate standing there with an omminous look on his face, the meaning of which I already knew.
He dissapears to have a "private" discussion with the letting agent, about what I already knew - his inability to pay the NEXT months rent also! He returns to me, and outlines options to me, all of which would render me homeless, and "up shit's creek without a paddle", basically.
So, guess what? I have to pay the rent again this month, all of it, and it is killing me financially and emotionally.
If perhaps there were more serious mitigating circumstances I would not be so angerly-perplexed by the situation. But, such circumstances are insufficient in number, I believe.
His employer may be giving him insufficient hours (the apparent current reason for the inability to pay this months rent (the next months rent)) for this month, but what happened to last month? I had been led to believe that such was just a clerical oversight, and that he would be paid for that.
Additionally, he doesn't appear to be doing much in the line of jobseeking. When I was unemployed, I got so bored, depressed, soul-destroyed and penniless that I spent 8 hours a day either on the internet searching for jobs, or physically going out and looking for them. I don't see him putting in anywhere near as much effort as that.
I'm also aware that, (and this may seem patronising) he expends on unecessary expense, at a time when i'm being forced to consider everything I do, even if it's to buy essentials like washing tablets, soap and food. I have even increased the amount of days I use each disposable razer blade for, to reduce costs, despite the fact that this is destroying my already less-than-perfect facial complexion and is probably not hygienic either.
He (on a near-daily basis) expends on retail coffee, convenience food, and semi-regularly, alcohol. And he doesn't drink cider or wine like I do, but shots, vodka or Jack Daniels, and doubles every time. I estimate he is expending £160 per month on such - that is more than my entire combined expenditure on food, cigarettes, alcohol, clothing, personal entertainment and similar in the last five weeks!
Also, I wouldn't be feeling so wretched about the whole thing, if he had put more effort into the place we're sharing. So far, i've provided my existing TV, a brand new microwave, brand new DECT phones, i've paid for the Sky+ box, i'm paying that subscription too, together with the DSL, i've paid for all the cleaning products - and guess what, I DO ALL THE CLEANING. I spent three hours at 2am one morning as it was the only time I had available, cleaning the oven, and both bathrooms, then moved onto the freezer, and collapsed of tiredness in the kitchen before getting to the fridge. Please bare in mind that this was after a 12 hour shift at work. On that subject, I was almost on a disciplinary the next day for being 90 minutes late, as I was so tired when I first woke up I just kept "snoozing" the alarm until I figured I had better get up, even if it took me 25 minutes to shower, and 10 minutes to get four pieces of clothing on!
Now, this has seemed like something of a whine-type drivvel expose I appreciate, but here is the killer. I am aware he has approximately £13,000 in savings, which could be used to meet his financial commitments in terms of the rent and similar until he can find other means of meeting them.
He will not touch such savings, as they are in a long-term three-year account and he would lose too much interest. Yet, this is at a time when we are supposedly starting a business - i'm a company partner, and I have no budget! I've been doing hours of work myself, as of yet unpaid, on IT systems and software, and been looking over advertising solutions and ways of promoting the company, together with all the legal crap he hasn't even read, and just found that there is no money anywhere to fund any of it!
So, he has savings which could remedy his financial situation, and prevent mine from financial meltdown, together with providing some initial capital for the business, and he won't touch them!
My bank balance currently stands at £23.20, I have no overdraft and I have bills pending for my credit card, and phone contracts. This is rather in contrast to the £150 running balance (sometimes more) I had between pay dates, WITH these bills paid, and with savings accruing.
This leads me onto why i'm feeling so depressed, and why i'm wonderng what I am living for at the moment, aside from working as a wage-slave to a multi-national company at little above minimum-wage, employment which tires me out, leaves me little time to have a social life, and is possibly dangerous to my health, only to fund not only mine, but someone elses financial obligations too, whilst having nothing to show for any of it, except not being homeless!
I have completely lost confidence in any hope of anything changing, and although I am trying to get out of this situation which is not of my making, it will be difficult if not possible. I have applied for better jobs which I have a chance of getting, and which would double my salary, but, here is the catch, they would be paid monthly, in arrears, i.e. from when I first start, I will have to wait a month before i'm paid anything.
I can't afford to do that, I no longer have sufficient financial reserves, I would be homeless.
As i've lost confidence in any hope of anything changing, I have lost confidence in everything else too, including myself. I no longer expect anything better to happen, I feel conflicted between someone I have fallen in love with, and my ex, as they are both friends - but in any case I haven't got the confidence to approach him to ask him out!
My employment is a sick joke, if you believe in God i've probably mortally offended him to be stuck in such a place. I've failed to ascertain decent college grades because I was ill, then had surgery for other-discovered conditions, halfway through the first term! I can no longer afford to go to college, as I wouldn't be able to sustain living costs, so I cannot get into Uni either, a previous ambition of mine.
Recently, I was going to go out on probably the last social event I will be able to afford for the forseeable future, only to realise I had around £5 to spend on it, and it would not be worthwhile. Also, I would have to wash clothes to attend, and I didn't have any washing tablets and couldn't afford to buy any! So, feeling rather annoyed, I went back to sleep, then woke up a few more times to feel like there wasn't much point in waking up for anything, so slept some more. I ended up sleeping for 23.5 hours.
So, I think you get the picture ,what exactly am I living for?
It's completely beyond my comprehension at the moment, and it depresses me even more that i'm facing financial and emotional oblivion that is entirely not of my own making. I've made sacrifices and worked hard to return my life to a sense of normallity, and now it's being taken from me, again...