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Thread: I'm having anger issues.... Fiancee might leave me.

  1. #1

    Default I'm having anger issues.... Fiancee might leave me.

    Alright all my life I've had anger issues. I'll just up and explode. I'll curse, rage, road rage, and just not control myself well enough when I'm angry. Note I'm not destructive but I'll just yell and be very cynical about everything in life. This has led my fiancee to threaten to leave me if I don't' change my ways.

    See here is my situation... Fiancee didn't have enough money to pay rent because of some issues in the University. I got angered. If something happens to her financially I always get angry. Not at her. Just in general it's anger that has no real output. No real reason. I just get angry with the way the world works to the point where I'll endanger my life and the life of others when I'm driving. I'll start shaking and want to punch shit and what not. I also have a pretty short fuse when it comes to stuff like that. It's stuff that shouldn't happen... anyway I get angry because of serious situations like that.

    anyway main point is my stress is affecting my fuse. anything can set me off and well infantilism doesn't help much sometimes. My parents and fiancee have told me to fix it or well they'll fix it for me. and I was more then willing to comply because it's not healthy and well I understand I'm being a raging douchebag. I'm normally kind cool headed and what not. It's just certain times I'll lose my temper to no end. It doesn't last long but I don't know why. I've always been like this but now that I'm an adult it's worse then ever.... So my question is.... How do I manage it? I have no money for counseling right now or the time really. I just want to try it on my own with my families help if it doesn't work I'll seek counselling. But I'm fairly sure I can fix it I have a pretty strong will and I can do anything I set my mind to. Essentially I just want to do this not for my fiancee but for myself too.

    Keep in mind I don't harm anyone. or destroy anything. I just feel like doing it the most I'll do is punch a wall or something.... but that can turn into something much worse in a rage of mine. and I want to prevent this.... I can't keep a clear head... emotions overtake me? So yeah please just give me advice to chill this out.....

  2. #2

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    Dragsnick I was (am) very much like you. I found that I needed to try and figure out what the triggers were. Sometimes my anxiety with infatalism would be a trigger or anxiety about other things.

    Some of this I think comes with age as well, but I do a couple things now. Firstly if I start to feel anxious I do not let it get out of control rather deal with it quickly whether its talking about, grabbing a coffee, having a smoke (not reccomended!) or just something by myself. I find if I can deal with the anxiety I am feeling, then I do not spout off at the stupid things. The second thing I do is when I feel I am going to lose my cool I use the count to 10 method....sounds so stupid but actually works...before you say anything (which is hard) force yourself to stop and count to 10. What it does is force myself to think about what it is I really want to say...and more importantly how I want to say it.

    Good luck as you clearly do not want to risk losing your fiancee.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by bbwanab View Post
    Dragsnick I was (am) very much like you. I found that I needed to try and figure out what the triggers were. Sometimes my anxiety with infatalism would be a trigger or anxiety about other things.

    Some of this I think comes with age as well, but I do a couple things now. Firstly if I start to feel anxious I do not let it get out of control rather deal with it quickly whether its talking about, grabbing a coffee, having a smoke (not reccomended!) or just something by myself. I find if I can deal with the anxiety I am feeling, then I do not spout off at the stupid things. The second thing I do is when I feel I am going to lose my cool I use the count to 10 method....sounds so stupid but actually works...before you say anything (which is hard) force yourself to stop and count to 10. What it does is force myself to think about what it is I really want to say...and more importantly how I want to say it.

    Good luck as you clearly do not want to risk losing your fiancee.
    Haha Thanks but that counting to ten method just pisses me off... but you might have something... I feel anxious and I don't like that feeling. I have this Control issue and when I don't have control.... I lose it.... That's it..... Well then I at least have a hunch of when I'm gonna lose it...

  4. #4

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    Have you thought about seeing a professional? If your fiancee is at University, there's a chance you could take advantage of their counseling through student health services, which is usually free.

  5. #5

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    I think stuff like this is similar to phobias. It's a trigger programmed into your lower brain functions, and when it's triggered it overrides your higher level and more controlled thinking. In both cases, you have to train yourself to react differently to the fundamental issue. In this case, it appears to be your problem with how life jerks people around for seemingly ridiculous or arbitrary reasons. You've got to teach yourself that it's ok for life to be unfair sometime, and accept that is is unfair. Teach yourself to accept what you can't change, and work for the things you can.

  6. #6

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    For over half of my life, I was too tense and self-conscious to lean back in chairs. I have always been a stressed person with a fuse so tiny that you would miss it if you blinked. Personally, I cannot see that I am any more calm now than I was six, twelve, twenty-five, thirty-one, forty years ago unless I replay past events in my mind. My mind could stand to have a delete button for memories. Measuring progress in myself is nearly impossible. I am my own biggest critic. The sane part of my mind tells me how ridiculous I am to think that there has been no improvement throughout life, but the depressed perfectionist who can measure anything besides positivity in herself begs to differ.

    What I have noticed is that I function best when I'm not working my little ass off trying to prove myself. That could be what you are doing at the moment, trying too hard to prove yourself to someone(s). It took me longer than it should have to accept that I need some help; I'm a proud woman who translated needing help to being of lesser value for most of my years, and I hurt myself too many times trying to be of greater value instead. I vividly remember that one of my largest childhood fears was being a burden. I set out to show that not only could that fear be beaten, but I could also control all aspects of my life. It goes without saying that this way of thinking was a dangerous and unhealthy viewpoint.

    I later tried to let someone else control all aspects of my life, self-esteem shot to pieces for the millionth time, and that choice was equally foolish and stressful.

    I'm not going to say I'm no longer stressed. I worry every day. I raised my voice in ultimately pointless arguments today and didn't join a friend for dinner over something petty.

    But I can say I have improved. I live daily in circumstances that many people can't imagine, yet I truly enjoy my life despite tomorrow's uncertainty. I rest more, I no longer care about control except to be a submissive yet opinionated homemaker* (with a hypnosis fetish), I use hypnosis, I talk things out with trusted friends and genuinely caring therapists (while, to be sure, most of my therapists are the unofficial kind and all overlap into the category of friends), I'm medicated, I practice tai chi, I opt for relaxing food and drink, I married someone I've become more comfortable with than I could have ever imagined, I indulge in fetishes that sedate me and couldn't care less about my incontinence, I channel my obsessiveness into obsessing about having peace of mind, I somehow automatically became calmer when I became a mother (i.e. road rage is forgotten when you have infants in the backseat, I never want to scream with my children in earshot because they deserve better, etc.), ad infinitum.

    Everyone is different. Coping with anger is universal. I probably bored you to tears talking about my own life, if you're not already used to that from me. My points are that the best way to get better is to swallow your pride and try, and that you should not beat yourself up thinking you could do more lest you defeat your real goals.

    * I also work two paid jobs outside of the home, but it is amazing how much considering myself my husband's homemaker relaxes me. It's a big "ha ha" to the way I was raised.
    Last edited by Grapes; 30-Aug-2010 at 05:36.

  7. #7

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    dragsnick, I was very much like you when I was your age. I delt with it by visiting the local community center, they had a ' punching-bag ' and a ' heavy-bag '. I beat the Hell out of both of them too many times to count. As an added bonus, this behavior helped to silence some of the smart-ass bullies that lived in my neighborhood. After seeing me go ' ape-shit '-crazy on the ' punching-bags ', they were much less likely to call me a sissy to my face.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by fifigal View Post
    I delt with it by visiting the local community center, they had a ' punching-bag ' and a ' heavy-bag '. I beat the Hell out of both of them too many times to count.
    This is a derailment from the subject, but there are bags like that in a hybrid of buildings that I sometimes visit. I must be really pathetic, because I punch those up and they don't so much as really move. My husband causes them to swing 360s in single blows. The first time this happened, I in my insulted pride made some remark about how hitting the bags with my head would have been more effective since I'm hard-headed. A bartender laughed; my husband rolled his eyes and said, "She's not even funny!"

  9. #9

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    Fine, I'll say it.

    Stop yelling and punching things and freaking out when you're mad. Next time you get mad: sit down (or lay down) and just let yourself calm down. The more you go around "venting", the more you WANT to vent when you get angry. It's a learned behaviour and it makes you more aggressive all around.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Zephiel View Post
    The more you go around "venting", the more you WANT to vent when you get angry.
    While that's true, it's also true that keeping everything bottled up furthers damage. There has to be a balance, and there's such a thing as talking without venting.

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