I"M TIRED OF LYING! I always have to make up lies, oh what did you get in the mail "Some stuff to clean a console" I wish I could simply just say "I got me a new pacifier" Today I was looking at a vid on youtube of a kid rocking out. His paci had an awesome skull on it right? I almost said "I want one of those" Instead if Opted to say "That's so awesome" Having to hide my true fucking feelings....
I feel like infantilism is a large part of my life that I have to hide from everyone. People just don't understand how I feel or what I do. The other night some friends came over at 12AM. XD I was in a goodnite all bundled up sucking on a paci when they where knocking on my front door. I put the paci away and hide everything. It was too little time to take off the diaper. So I just left it and tried not to move much. They asked me what where you doing. I answered "playing left 4 dead" and I was like... No I wasn't @_@ I was sucking on my paci watching TV. *sigh* This isn't sexual for me anymore... it can be but it isn't. It's more of a lifestyle now. I love it and I feel so comfortable with myself.... Why do I hide it? I'm semi famous where I live. I can't be displaying this shit It could ruin my work my income and my fathers income. It could essentially ruin our lives! That's why I keep it hush hush. I mean granted I don't want to be an exhibitionist but I wouldn't mind saying "Oh I want that cute teddy!" Or "Hey I sleep with teddies" Or I suck on a paci.... ya know?
It's a bit complicated I just mainly hate lying to the people I love.... I feel like they don't really know the true me? The me that just chills out a lot. Hell I can't show my porn collection to my friends due to this fetish... XD THey have been hounding me for years. I've told them they wouldn't be interested in it. (which is true) they ask why and I just avoid the conversation. I would like to just have my paci on my nightstand not hidden... I would like to just leave my door open or suck on a paci while in my own house watching TV with my family.... Not regressed just chilling ya know? Or drink from a bottle cuz those are fun.... I at least still play with toys.... but yeah... I just feel like I'm hiding a huge part of myself and that people don't know the true me... it eats at me sometimes.
Why tell? Because I'm hiding who I really am! This isn't something sexual for me... It's something that I enjoy doing and I don't hurt others. I want to go get a onesie and not have to hide it. Or some footed PJ's.... or something. I'm just pissed! It annoys me! I don't want to force it down their throats not really hell I wouldn't feel comfortable doing any of that. But just being able to make little comments like that would make me feel so much better.
I hate lying about who I am... but it's necesary for this lifestyle... I'll even have to lie to my future children. I'm glad my fiancee is an infantilist also... I don't have to hide anything from her she adores it. But yeah.... anyone just hate lying and living in fear of being found out? Or just annoyed that you might slip something up or want to speak your real mind? Sometimes it's just.... fucking frustrating.... Sorry I'd put this in a blog but... I want people to respond and see how many others feel like this? This isn't something Hidden for me it's my lifestyle.... it's rather alternative but I just realized it's a part of who I am. I spent the night with my mom last night (spelt over in the same bad at my grandmas) and I couldn't sleep well because I could not regress... My mom knows but I didn't feel comfy doing it.... I couldn't regress and I was up for a large portion of the night and I would wake up constantly..... *sigh* anyways just talk guys... needed to get that off my chest.
EDIT: I dont' really need advice... just someone who understand where I'm coming from ya know?