There's no easy way to say this so I'm just gonna say it. I just found out today that my childhood best friend killed himself. He was my neighbor for seventeen years. My numero uno. Now your gone at the mere age of twenty five and I'll never see you again. This lump in my throat reminds me that though we parted on bad terms you were still my friend.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you probably needed me the most. I know you wanted nothing to do with me when my parents exposed my deepest and darkest secret to you. You were to young at that time to make any sense of it and I was certainly in no place to help you understand it being the low self esteem kid I was at the age of sixteen. They used shame to try to scare me out of it, thinking they were doing good but only ending up destroying our friendship and many others shortly after. I ran away from home shortly after because I felt I didn't have a single friend left after being labeled as the neighborhood freak for my interest in diapers. I certainly had no intention of coming back. What really bugs though, I never got to say goodbye. I know your funeral has already happened and I can only imagine what your parents are going through right now. Especially your mom who was the unfortunate one to come home to find you hanging in the garage. God. The reality still hasn't hit me but rest assured a future grieving will eventually come. It took me months to finally let it go when I got the news of my brother and I'm sure it will be no different for you. A part of me refuses to accept this has happened.
I'll never forget what I went through when I found out my older brother had killed himself due to a intentional drug overdose. To find out now you were no different than my brother really pulls at the chords. I'm sorry you had a drug problem and thought you had no one in your life who cared about you. Not a single friend, nothing close to a partner. If only we could of shared these feelings when I was more than willing to be there for you many many years ago. I was at a time in my life when I needed you the most and you were to afraid to be associated with me due to the ridicule you would receive from all our fellow peers. I forgive you Jacob but it still hurts. It will probably always will hurt. Who knows where we would be today if the strong factor of age was more in our favor back then We probably still be best friends. There's no telling what may have happened. The only thing that is for certain, I'll never forget you. Thank you for the good times we shared and thank you for the bad times because without those I wouldn't be able to appreciate any of the others.
My favorite memories of us:
- Every day after school. Busting out that huge cloth sack of TMNT action figures, vehicles, etc and playing without a care in the world as we both got in our healthy daily dose of TMNT on the tube.
- The many many sleepovers
- Taking the canoe with no destination in mind and just going on a exploring adventure in whatever canal or lake we could gain access to
- Sneaking me to all the R rated movies with your parents because mine would never allow it
- The black cable box of adult porn that your dad was so happy about it but us being kids just thought it was funny to rebel to sneak a peek whenever they were out of town
- Our many skate adventures when aggressive inline skating was in its prime years and Arlo Eisenberg was basically our shared future role model
- All the dirt ramps we ever made for our bikes trying to pull off any stunt we could thinking we couldn't be touched
- Tree forts! Calvin and Hobbes had nothing on us! Oh man we built endless tree forts and not only did we build em but we were damn good at it. G.R.O.S.S forever ha! Poor Ashley across the street was our Suzie but it was all in good fun and she knows that considering we did eventually get over that whole cooties page. But boy was it fun when it lasted.
- My love for the Lion King that you didn't understand at first since you thought it was silly but soon joined me shortly after just because it seemed like harmless fun. I say Hakuna and you say Matata
- so many more.
Fuck Jacob, I'm gonna miss you. R.I.P my dear friend.