I am 25 and I have been a DL (with some AB tendancies) as long as I can remember. Outside of diapers I live a relatively normal life, I have a good job, a college education, I like mountain biking and cars, I have some good friends (who know nothing about my secret), and a great family (who also know nothing).
I discovered this site some time ago but never really took any time to look around until recently. The last few years I've been battling depression and trying to convince myself that I can be "normal". I would sometimes force myself to go without diapers for months on end, try to have girlfriends and be normal (and fail) and then finally cave and order more diapers. I would binge for a while and then feel disgusted with myself and stop for a long period of time (months), this cycle has repeated over and over since I was about 18.
I graduated college a few years ago and got a great job, but it's very stressful and I have reverted to wearing diapers on the weekends again to help deal with stress. They have helped me so much more then I thought they ever could, it's turned into less of a physical desire and more of a comfort security thing recently. Because of this I am finally starting to accept who I am, and realize that I won't change and that I don't necessarily have to.
How I discovered diapers:
When I was a kid I wet the bed every night (not by choice) until I was 11 or 12. My dad also had bedwetting issues when he was a kid so he understood and always assured me it was normal and I would grow out of it (he was right). I didn't wear diapers to bed regularly (I was never given the option), I just had a plastic sheet and washed the bed daily. I remember waking up in a cold wet bed everyday and hating it.
I didn't really get exposed to them or start to enjoy them until I was about 8 years old. We were going on a long (6-8 week) road trip for family reuinion and to tour the U.S. My mom suggested to me that it would be easier if I wore pullups or diapers to bed. I agreed but remember being embarassed and hesitant. Over the course of the trip I slowly grew to love the security, warmth and not waking up in a wet bed every day. After the trip I remember being disappointed that I couldn't continue wearing diapers, although I never asked if I could continue.
From here on until I was about 16 I would just sneak whatever was left from the diapers we brought on the trip, or sneak the odd one from younger cousins/siblings, I even made my own out of towels and plastic bags for a while, although it wasn't the same.
During this time I was active on DPF (before it turned into what it is now) and made some good friends that got me through a lot of rough times. At some point (probably when I was about 17 or 18) I started fighting myself and never went back to DPF or other AB/DL sites, I haven't spoken to these people since.
Finally, when I was 16 and got my drivers license and first car, I would make excuses to go on roadtrips and buy depends (never could find attends ) in towns where nobody knew me. This was so hard for me and I chickened out a few times but finally managed to get real diapers, nobody in the stores cared what I was buying, and it was so worth it in the end. Now that I am older and live on my own I maintain a steady supply of high quality diapers either molicare or abena (Just recently ordered Bambinos!).
I find that I am not really physically attracted to other people, maybe just a little bit, but because of my peculiar interest in diapers I tend to avoid relationships and not let people get close. I am not sure how I am ever going to get over this. I desperately want to have a family of my own and a son/daughter to raise and carry on my name, but I just can't seem to get over this last hurdle in my life and build a real relationship with someone.
I've only had one girlfriend, back in highschool, whom I told about my interest in diapers in the first couple weeks (the only person I've ever told). Surprisingly her reaction was not negative at all and she was still interested in a relationship. Somehow her knowing my secret really bugged me and made everything ackward, I put an end to our short relationship because of this, I haven't had a girlfriend since.
I've thought about seeing a counsellor or phsychologist about my problems, but I feel that for them to help they need to know the whole story, and I've heard that they typically react negatively to AB/DL people. Has anyone had any experience with this?
Has anyone overcome similar hurdles? Can you offer any advice?