So much thought...
That's what I want to make sure everyone who reads this understands. I've thought long and hard about this, and about myself. I've had a rather rough life so far in the relationship department, and I've just recently come to understand why.
I'll get to the meat here, so you don't have to read my story: Can you be asexual when it comes to sexual intercourse, that is having no desire to have sex with a man or a woman... but be incredibly sexual with *yourself* and with a fetish?
I was 16 when I had my first girlfriend. This is also when I lost my virginity with said girl. I clearly remember the feeling of it all... and it surely did feel good... but it wasn't "amazing". It was like I had done better already. She was starting to get frustrated, so I started thinking about diapers... and BOOM! There it was. But... only I had to think about diapers, and more importantly, being forced to wear/kept in them in order to "get there". It wasn't the sex, it was the object.
This went on for 3 years with her... I tried very hard not to use them. When she noticed something was up, maybe about 6 months into the relationship, I explained it all to her. She knew about my diaper fetish beforehand, but now it made more sense. So... she started using the fetish while we were "doing it" to produce the desired end result. Eventually she and I broke up, and sex was even more of a turn-off for me. I felt dirty. I felt used. Our whole relationship was built on one thing it seemed: sex.
So, there I was. Heading back home and turning 19. I was even more into this fetish by this point... likely because of all the hurt I was feeling. 20 came around and I met a girl, one who is still a close friend of mine. Again, I was open and honest with her. She was also extremely sexually active, and I was not. She involved diapers now and then, lovingly, but it still felt wrong for me to associate it all. I had some serious issues... end result? We broke up. It just didn't work. I felt as a failure, since I couldn't "perform" sexually... Then I realized that every time I "wanted" to have sex, it wasn't the sex I was wanting. I wanted to please my partner. I wanted to make her happy. It wasn't for me... it was for them. I started to blame my fetish more and more for this.
Moving on... I met the woman I live with now, though we're no longer a couple. I was still convinced I could be "rehabilitated" and actually be a "functional" male. I assumed something was wrong with my wiring, so we tried numerous things. She knew all about me too... and she actually disliked it quite a bit at first. The thing that kept us together (for nearly ... 8 years now?) is that we lived together. We broke things off, but remained friends. She insisted I was gay, so I tried men... I found that I actually enjoyed cuddling and being around other men - especially diapered ones - but when it came to sex... I just didn't like it still.
This woman has helped me in many ways... we've gotten back together, and then recently split again - but still remain close friends. In the last year, I've finally discovered what I am... and just recently, more detail into it all.
Some key points:
1) I actually feel uncomfortable when I'm touched sexually. I can't "climax" with someone else's help.
2) I have absolutely no desire to have sex with another person. None, at all.
3) I have a strong, very strong desire to wear diapers... and when I'm in diapers, I have a strong desire to pleasure myself.
So yeah. Any thoughts? Anyone feel the same?