(caution: long read)
This is my first real thread, as my introduction wasn't such a great success. XD
I'm very sorry if I put this in the wrong subforum, but, I didn't really know where else to put this. I really want to get this off my chest and get myself organized a bit, find out what's what and what's not what (:p).
The basic thought here is kind of as follows:
"Am I 'one of you' (or on the verge of becoming, in the process off, or at the brink of, whatever), or am I a lost bum who just should shut the heck up, get his act together and go the hell away?"
In my intro, you could tell I was very, very afraid, worried, and a bit stumped with myself that I joined this forum.
I just had something to drink, hoping that would make it a bit easier to write (don't worry, it wasn't much), as I have a lot of trouble getting things off my chest relating everything going on on this forum and slightly outside. I know it's a wrong approach, but I am a bit stuck. Really, this is very hard for me and I really did not feel comfortable writing this in my intro post.
First things first, I'm a thinker, I always think, a lot, constantly thoughts run/fly/float through my mind about everything. I have a lot of trouble letting go of things about myself (talking about delicate subjects, or anyting about myself at all).
I have had two girlfriends, was nice, but it didn't work out int he end, which I feel as being mostly my fault as I was the one who broke the hearts.
Okay, so a couple of weeks, months, I think even last year, I started trying stuff I was curious about. As there was nothing at hand, I tried to manage with what was at hand. I seemed to be attracted to plastic, for some reason (think this started when I was about 5 or so). I didn't, like, mastrbate with then or anything (that only came in later), but the attraction at some point did cause me to... yeah well, you know. I have been busying myself with this for a while as it got some pressure off of me each time (it's why I did it, duh), however hard I tried to get off this. I even joined a forum a short while ago related to this, but I quickly found out this was not for me at all. I felt I was bound to go much further...
Much of this might be because I have been quite lonesome (sometimes more, sometimes less, sometimes not at all) for a while now, have been very obsessed with a particular (female) artist of whom I will not mention the name out of fear of getting caught by someone, still my favorite singer and songwriter. I think it happened due to that lack of something, same as that what I mentioned before.
I have run across this forum about once or twice before, reading maybe one topic, but I can't remember which ones.
Now the third time I got stuck here and read many topics, stayed up to about 4.20 due to this. I decided to join, for some odd reason.
After joining, I have been stuck in my head ever since, about the AB/DL thing. Going back in time, thinking about dreams, thoughts, things I have done in the past... got me wondering whether I was just interested or if I really belonged here. As I have a strong mind always working against itself I can't seem to find the answer to this and I hoped some of you awesome people could help me out with this.
Now, I remember, as a little boy, in kindergarten I would often pretend to be some kind of animal, because I liked that (up until now I did not know this had a name). A bit later, Pokémon came along and I always pretended to be one... if you really want to know which one just ask me... it's hard enough to open up now anyway. even later I would pretend to be a dolphin, because I loved those creatures, seriously. I even swam with them when I was in Curacao on holiday (that was back in 06). That gradually faded. That's like, where my 'furriness' ended, or hid somewhere inside me, locked away safely.
Now another thing that crossed my mind.
I clearly remember having a dream a couple of years ago which involved me and diapers (yes, this hurts me). It ended with me being allowed to wear diapers again and I was very much delighted for some reason. This dream or thought has not come back until joining this forum, which brought a lot of these things back more clearly. I could say I have tried the 'icky stuff' - both wetting (think I even had dreams about that) and messing (i sometimes feel like doing that, but after I, like, masturbate that urge is gone), even though there were no diapers at hand (I can't go shopping by myself due to my visual impair, sorta...), and I did not think of ordering online (not that it would get by unseen) or anything. Anyhow, so I just improvised... honestly, please don't ask. Knowing that I have tried/done this should say something about me quite a bit, however much I hate to admit it - I definitely think there's some DL buried in me. Still have yet to try actual diapers... no idea how to go about this as I'm still with my parents (which are divorced, by the way, please don't ask here either), can't go out on my own, stuck with online or something else I don't know of. I must say I am kind of curious... I found it quite amusing reading that little topic about diapers being more comfortable than actual underwear, it got me thinking, haha.
Anyhow, I came across this forum, joined, read some topics, kind of created some chaos in me, why did I join, do I belong here, what am I doing here, why am I interested in it, would I want to do it, blah blah blah. Coming onto this forum also made me realise I was 'already' 18. It's worthy to note that physical development-wise I lag behind a bit, but mind-wise I am ahead a bit, if I may say so myself. Even though this is not very old it got me thinking. I am on my way to somewhere, something, long way to go, but I'm afraid of it and want to go back a bit. This is where that age regression towards AB comes in... I must say thinking about it kind of makes me feel weird, not in a negative way at all. I even think I could like it, you know, thinking about being hopeless and all, pretending to know or understand nothing or very little, not bothered by 'the world', etc. But as usual my mind is chaos and I am confused. In the right circumstances I'm pretty sure some activity here could happen. As I have said in my intro post, I'm very reluctant, especially when it comes to subjects like this which actually are my deep dark secrets. I research till the ends of the Earth, and stuff... I am not all that impulsive, or not at all.
I could also say, I, like, ran across diaper stuff on deviantART (I just so happen to have an account there) for some reason...
Oh, and as this is already too difficult for me to write down, yo can tell there is no way in hell I can tell my parents. The only person I can think of talking to is my ex, but on the IM she has been unresponsive. I don't feel like calling either.
As I have been lingering on this forum for like three days, it got me thinking more, am I just interested, am I looking for something to do, am I really supposed to be here... etc.
Because I was, kinda, interested in that, well, plastic stuff, at some point I ran across the AB/DL thing. I looked it up, read the full article, full of interest, very intrigued by it and didn't imagine the existence of such a thing. The interest got me here, as well.
I will keep writing until I'm out of ideas.
It would be convenient if you could come up with some questions, so it can get figured out, because I'm totally stuck. One member here, asked me why I was worried... yes, it's that mind of me. One part asks what I'm doing, other part says it's ok, other part thinks I've gone bonkers... etc.
I had a little conversation with some dude I met on the internet. I showed him this forum and he told me weird things he would look for, or watch. He told me there are a lot of 'weird' things out there, and it is much a choice of oneself to call it 'to suffer from' something. That made me feel better, but not much...
Am I resisting something from happening? Or is there nothing to worry about? What do I do now?
You people seem nice enough to not make me feel ashamed, or out of place, or weird, or anything at all for that matter. So please don't do that.
You guys are great.
I am sorry if my post is a bit of a chaos, but you now know why that is so. I would really appreciate it if you could help me out a bit - shed some light on this.
I wish you all a good day/night.
(yes, that is the Greek character for 'rho')
P.S: I better post this before I come to my senses (if that exists with me) and change my mind... I think it is happening already, so I'm just taking the plunge (or punch, heck, give it a name).