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Thread: The care and feeding of your drow.

  1. #1

    Default The care and feeding of your drow.

    I dunno about the rest of you, but I'm an avid D&Der. I'll play in about 4 or 5 different groups, and just love the whole idea of the game. Recently, I've also fallen in love with the forgotten realms books, and while the Drizzt ones aren't my favorite, this had me rolling on the floor. Enjoy




    The Care and Feeding of Drow
    by ~Weretiger101

    The Care and Feeding of Your New Pet Drow!



    Thank you for shopping at the Underdark Exotic Pet Store! Remember- mind flayers, drow, svirfneblin, deurgar, aboleths; whatever you fancy, we have it!

    Your drow may start out small –common sizes range from three to five inches- but soon it will grow up to a ten inches tall! Remember that your drow needs space, so keep it in a proper sized cage.

    Your new drow and you!
    Your relationship with your new drow will start as soon as you see that special one in the pet store window, but by now you should have brought him –or her- home. Carefully remove your new drow from the carrying case by lifting him or her out by the scruff of the neck with your fingers. Gloves are advised, as your new drow will likely be disoriented and may react with violence and/or darts, knives, scimitars, short swords, polearms, longswords, and snake whips. If your drow does try to attack you, shake it gently while uttering a calm reprimand. The drow are an intelligent race, and they will likely hold a centuries long grudge against you for doing this- but no worries, because they already hate all non-drow races! Now place your drow in his pre-prepared home, which should be spacious enough to accommodate him. Preferably, the cage should be several square feet, and layered with false rocks, which can be purchased from our store. Your drow should receive a name within the first few days of arriving; as it will be easier for them to recognize it. They will eventually learn to come at command, and it is possible for trainers to teach them complex tricks, such as skilled fighting on command or making toast.

    Let your new drow adjust!
    Your new drow will need to take in his surroundings, so let him explore the rock crevices until he finds a small space to call his own and settles down. Now you should set down his food and water- not too close to his little nook, but not all the way across the cage. Let the drow ‘discover’ the sustenance- it gives them a feeling of accomplishment. Now you should remove your drow from the cage and let him adjust to you. First, remove all of his weapons, then let him sit in your hand for a while.
    Note: If you have bought a drow priestess or sorcerer (only sold to advanced trainers and breeders) then you should take appropriate precautions to shield yourself from spells.
    Remember, your drow is a crafty fellow, and will likely try to escape. A drow can disappear in your home in the blink of an eye, and if you don’t find it quickly, it won’t be long before household animals become sacrifices to Lloth, and a small colony will group under your kitchen sink.

    The drow around your home!
    A good way to make your drow more comfortable is to attach a small collar and leash and lead it around your house to explore. Do not be alarmed if your drow tries to escape and curses you. This is normal behavior for a drow in captivity. Do not allow your drow around anything pointy, hot, cold, anything involving magic, firearms, anything dull, sharp, or with an edge, fireworks, explosives, stoves, anything furry, anything with hooves or paws, glass, alcohol, drugs, spiders, or mind-logic games. Also, never expose your drow to coffee, tea, soda or anything caffeine related.

    Companionship!
    Drow are a social species, needing others of their race to play and scheme with, torment, oppress, and kill. Be sure you learn about the drow hierarchy before introducing more into the same environment. A good group of drow includes one female for every two males. Don’t worry if you see torture or blood, this is normal drow interaction! When you buy a drow, remember that they will usually pine without other drow around. This is not always the case; a drow that shuns the companionship of others should be kept in a separate cage.

    Disciplining your drow
    Drow are intelligent creatures that are quite capable of distinguishing the difference between right and wrong. A spray bottle is a handy tool in disciplining your drow. When he does something your don’t want –biting, talking with his mouth full, or using a needle to affix rodent an insect heads around his cage- spray him with the bottle and firmly say ‘no’. Your drow will quickly learn that if he is to stop this humiliating treatment, he will have to kill you in your sleep. This is why it is important to make sure the cage is shut tightly.

    Your drow’s needs!
    Your new drow is a unique creature. First, make sure that his cage is kept in a dark area, away from direct sunlight, which can lead to mental and even bodily harm. The cage needs to be kept moist. Also, it is a good idea to keep some toys in your drow’s cage- good examples are young moon elves or shrines to Lloth. Also, it is suggested that you do not feed your drow after midnight, as it can lead to indigestion.

    Have fun with your new drow and follow these instructions well. If you treat your drow right, your relationship will blossom and grow!

    At Underdark Exotic Pet Store, all our creatures are grown wild in the expanses of the Underdark and some areas of the Forgotten Realms. They are then hand- harvested singly and chosen as the most excellent representatives of their race available in today’s market.

  2. #2

    Default

    That was beautiful... I want one! I love the drizzt books, but I haven't read enough forgotten realms book to say I like them the best. I read the war of the spider queen series, which was all about the drow, and none of them were good, so I got a pretty firm grasp on drow culture. /that only made this even funnier. I also fail too see how the spray bottle works seeing as it only causes a longing for your death.

  3. #3

    Default

    That is almost messed up. If it weren't for being a game that encompass so much of this silliness whilst keeping a mature atmosphere, I would say that a 35 year old whackjob wrote this.

    In other words, this is funny.

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by link View Post
    That was beautiful... I want one! I love the drizzt books, but I haven't read enough forgotten realms book to say I like them the best. I read the war of the spider queen series, which was all about the drow, and none of them were good, so I got a pretty firm grasp on drow culture. /that only made this even funnier. I also fail too see how the spray bottle works seeing as it only causes a longing for your death.
    Well, if you liked that, you should read some of the other ones. I'm more partial to the Cleric Quintet, mainly because I like Dwarves, and Pikel is one of my favorite characters ever. (A Dwarf who wants to be a druid! LOL!) But that's just me.

  5. #5

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