this will surely be a rather long post, so bear with me. Iím getting kind of desperate now, but I will explain thorougly.
All my life Iíve been suffering from one phobia, and just one. All my youth I thought it was just common fear, a phase that every kid goes through. But I never got past it, instead it grew into a paralysing aspect of my life which I, due to the conditions of my problem, probably never will be able to avoid.
I suffer from nyctophobia, the fear of darkness. As I said, when young I was always positive about it, thinking it was just temporary. But now, Iím almost an adult and I canít walk more than a few feet in darkness before panic strikes and totally destroys whatever sanity that was currently residing in me. The feeling, for me, to be in a dark environment (though, not in bed) is the same as killing a piece of me. I immediatly start to hyper ventilate, shake and lose all mental control I have over the situation at hand. It breaks me up totally, and it pretty much always happen multiple times a week, by different circumstances.
When I try to sleep, itís a bit different, but still nerve-wrecking. I tend not to get panic attacks, but rather long periods of angst and cold sweat, for example. Being a creative person I always imagine things that seem to real to me to forget, that I canít escape my own mental creations in the dark. Itís like the darkness corrupts my surroundings, everything getís more hostile. Environment, stuff... christís sake, even my closest friends turns corrupt when light ceases.
This is for me a social handicap. I sleep with multiple flashlights in my room, I always carry one with me in my jacket, just in case. Darkness is one thing you canít really escape either, itís always present and I always have to find ways to avoid it.
Believe me, Iíve tried to get help. The only real acknowledged method of ďcuringĒ a phobia that Iíve heard of is practiced in modern psychodynamics, a whole system of theories developed by Sigmund Freud himself. These methods usually consists of gradually approaching oneís fear until you get used to it and stop being afraid. But to what odds will this work with me, whoís been sleeping in pitch black for almost my whole life?
But take note, this phobia is probably my most deepest secret, and shame when you put it like that. I havenít told a soul about it (except you, now) and I hope Iíll never have to either. I see this as my weakness, my Achillesí heel. So I wonít aim to tell this to people, and hopefully itíll be a secret Iíll take to my grave.
Iíve reached desperation with this, as I said at the beginning, and any advice at all is greatly appreciated.
cheers mates x