I joined this group a few days ago after discovering it online. I've been reading posts and introductions, and feel that it is probably time that I should chime in an introduce myself. I see some similarities in my story with many of you.
I'm in my early 40's, married with kids. I guess I'd be considered a fairly normal guy, in a fairly typical middle class situation in life. I'm heterosexual, and probably have Asperger's qualities.
I have had a succesful run thus far. I have been lucky enough to travel widely, both home and abroad. I became fairly well known within my area of work, and the last few years haven't been much of a struggle. For that I feel lucky.
My curiosity about diapers has been with me all my life. My interest is in the plastic backed disposable diaper variety with tapes. The cartoon thing started after I was a young kid, so that doesn't do anything for me.
I grew up in a small agricultural town without much social activity. My dad worked full time and my mom started working again when I was 6 or 7, and as was common back in the mid 70's, I became a "latch key kid". I would get off the bus after school starting in the second or third grade and let myself into the house. It was up to me to make my own plans, do homework, and entertain myself for the afternoon a couple days a week. This wasn't all that uncommon during that period of time, but it's not common today. I remember it being a lonely time for me.
I remember finding and playing around with a box of Pampers that was under the sink in the bathroom. They had been there several years untouched. They were my younger sibling's. I remember my feelings associated with them were curiously strong and pleasant.
Eventually my parents caught on, and the left over disposables were removed from the house. I had no access to them for several years.
Jump ahead to fifth grade. Friends of my parents were visiting with their young son. They left several of his disposable diapers behind, and I snagged them.
Then began another period of secret experimentation - taping them together, wearing under my clothes at home, and eventually wetting them. The feelings were again intense and undescribable. The feelings of doing something covertly was also kind of fun. I knew that this behavior would not be accepted my anyone I knew, and if I was found out, would have much embarassment and many hours of uncomfortable explanations to go through. I was pretty effective at hiding all the evidence of my activities.
I rode my bike a lot in my elementary school years, and early high school as well. I did a lot of usual things - played soccer, went to movies, etc. In addition, my pattern was to bike several miles, spend my allowance or the proceeds of raking leaves or cutting lawns on disposable diapers, bring them home, and when nobody was around or late at night, tape them up and put them on.
I wasn't until I reached my twenties and had my own place did I finally get the nerve to buy and try an adult disposable. After that there was no turning back to my diaper construction days with plastic packing tape.
I had a steady girlfried those years. I never told her.
My interest has waxed and waned over the years - sometimes my life got so busy I didn't have the time for this paraphilia.
But it has always been there.
I've been trying to understand it so I can hopefully control it better in my life.
A couple of years ago I had the occasion to finally disclose it to my wife of 10 years. It didn't go well. We're still together, but we're still getting over that trauma. She felt betrayed, and felt I should have disclosed my feelings at the beginning of our relationship when we were first dating.
I felt my paraphilia was a deeply personal thing, and thought that it wouldn't be a real factor in my life. I was wrong.
At her urging, I saw a psychologist about this for a year off and on. I have reconciled things with her and myself better now.
When I succumb to my old peculiar ways, I do it mostly outside the house when I'm on the road, and in private.
I never chose to have this fixation, but I have it. I wish I didn't - it would make things a lot less complicated. It's a small footnote in my life, not a headline. It will probably always be there but it has come at a cost - I think I would have been more open to relationships and friendships over the years if I didn't feel that I had something to hide deep inside.
Also, when you conceal something for decades, it is likely you'll get found out by someone you know eventually. If that someone is a family member or someone you are close to, the feelings of hurt can go very deep.
At times I feel guilty about all that wasted money over the years (certainly hundreds of dollars), and increasingly all that wasted plastic that goes into a landfill unnecessarily.
Whatelse - I ski, Cycle, work out, work and play with electronic stuff, and enjoy being a dad to my kids and a husband to my wife.
Looking forward to all your replies.