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Thread: Identity Crisis

  1. #1

    Default Identity Crisis

    I'm having difficulty suppressing my AB/DL urges lately. I realize that it will never go away, and thats fine by me, it makes me unique! Though living in a college setting and so forth its not exactly a lifestyle I can accommodate right now. I havent actually used any diapers or pull-ups in about 3 years I'd say. I usually just get my kicks from looking at some random hot girls on the internet in diapers.
    My freshman year I had fully given up wearing diapers because having a roommate and all, it just wouldn't work. Besides I wanted to try to stop my binge and purge cycles I went through in high school. To fill the void in my life, and for lack of other hobbies, I began working out...a lot. It became my passion in life. I went from being a thin twig of a guy to a hell of a lot bigger over two years.
    This year however, due to awkward class scheduling and such I havent had time to work out like I used to, but I do have time for AB/DL related things. I'm always working which involves my computer and that means access to the internet which means I can get my AB/DL fix very easily. Now I'm going through binge and purge cycles of not only my AB/DL side but my intense workout side too! Needless to say the two are quite a contrast.
    I'm trying to find a balance right now but it's difficult. My whole life I was picked on for being scrawny and a pushover, so the rush I get from working out and being 6'0" and about 200lbs is quite satisfying physically, and mentally knowing that people no longer think of me in that way, but I also still find the AB/DL side of me mentally comforting when I get very busy, stressed out or am having relationship difficulties.
    I think the mental overlap of the new found toughness and big guy image is sharply contrasting with my cute little comforting AB/DL side and they're not sure what to do, and here I am stuck in the middle! Haha wow I sound crazy! I swear I don't have multiple or dissociative identity disorder!
    Anyone else ever have these internal conflicts?

  2. #2


    I used to be very much the same way when I was younger--scrawny and small, not muscled or well-built. I never could build up muscle very well in my upper body, all my strength used to seem to come from the sports that I was best at: running, bicycling, with the swimming I did being for fun and not serious workout style.

    On my eighteenth birthday I entered a military academy, which I left six months later after I learned I hated the military and did not want to spend my life there. Not to mention the fact that bedwetting was not something that went along with the military lifestyle, I hid that as much as I could in my dorm room.

    But in the academy, I was constantly made to do push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups, and other exercises that I had not concentrated on. I had done them half-hearted before, just enough to keep myself getting good grades in gym. But now I had to be in peak condition at all times, and was constantly working out.

    Once I left, I ended up having children within three years and carrying them around really started helping build me as well. They get heavy quickly! Carrying two toddlers when on a hike ends up building up your strength. Even when I started skydiving, that built my body even more!

    Most people don't realize the strength it takes to move yourself around while falling at 120mph. Stick your hand out a car window at 60mph and move it through the air--now, to do that at 120mph takes four times as much force as it does at 60mph! On top of that, you need to pack 400+ sq. ft. of rip stop nylon which is meant to hold air into a tiny bag in a neat and orderly fashion (you want it to come out of the bag in a neat and orderly fashion the next time is why). That takes quite a bit.

    So now, at 6'4" and 250+ lbs., it can be hard to reconcile myself as a toddler needing a bottle of warm milk for bedtime.

  3. #3


    ej24, I have a theory that when we exercise, we may have less DL desires. This summer I got really into biking. I would get up early in the morning and hit the bike trail before it got really hot and humid. You know how it is in Virginia. Anyway, I certainly could wear every night if I wanted to, but during that time, the desire started to wain. I was more in tune with biking and exercising. Once the season ended, I was back in diapers. I wondered if the exercise contributed to other chemicals like testosterone, melatonin, ?

    Anyway, I think you make an interesting point. Is the vacillating between sometimes exercising and then diaper wearing when you don't exercise have something to do with the mood swings? I wouldn't be alarmed by either. Exercising can get boring and so the interest will ebb. Wearing diapers and the desire to do so comes and goes, in the binge/purge cycle. They may just be playing tag with each other.

  4. #4


    I think it can be related to our securities and insecurities as people. Personally, I'm transgender (MtF non-op), so I have similar issues. I'll explain that first, as I think it's a little easier for most to visualize.

    So I'm transgender. Think of it as mentally, you're female, yet every day you wake up with male anatomy. This has repercussions in your life you may not think of for how you identify. Now I have both strong masculine portions of my identity as well as effeminate ones. I grow a thick beard. I have an extremely broad chest. I have body hair. And all of these things carry with them effects for how people view, interact, and treat me. So in turn, they also affect how I interact with others.

    That's something that ties into my sexual identity as well. Although I find pansexual to be a better representation of who I am, if we limit choices to hetero/bi/homosexual, then I'm bisexual. I have a girlfriend and a nice sex life. And I'm attracted to men. But therein tends to lie a problem. I can find a man sexually attractive. Yet, I have a lot of discomfort imagining myself having sex with said man. Where it gets interesting is that the discomfort lies in the part that I'm a man as well. If I imagine myself physically as a female, then I can imagine that, and I imagine it to be particularly awesome.

    So where does the disconnect come from? I think I can see two sources, which could be acting independently or in concert. For one, perhaps I have an idea of gender roles that I've been trained by society to not bend. In other words, we live in a society that has trained me to be uncomfortable with the thought of two men together. So while I'm comfortable with the parts, I'm not comfortable with their sum. Alternatively, this is a representation of my physical anatomy. Essentially, that I'm mentally developed as a bisexual female, and as such, the thought of two men together just doesn't do anything for me. On the other hand, imagining myself in a female form allows me to explore fantasies of both heterosexual and homosexual encounters.

    So how does this relate to AB/DLism? Perhaps whereas gender is a categorical identity and sexuality is a categorical identity, perhaps age is also such an identity. Maybe we have difficulty reconciling our physical bodies with our emotional construction. Just like there's a mental level on which I'm decidedly female, maybe there's a mental level on which we're actually babies or children, and that that form is the one which we pair with a love of diapers. This is how I feel it is for me. I can fantasize about being 5 years old again and being in diapers. That's the emotional desire. But when I look in the mirror, I'm not 5 years old. I'm not female, either. So my physical body just isn't something I'm interested in combining with diapers. Diapers may be compatible with the physical forms of our respective fantasies, yet incompatible with our physical manifestations.

    So how do we deal with the depressing fact that our fantasies are unobtainable? We embrace the reality of being men. We work out, we engage in masculine sports. We drink beer and shoot pool and grow rippling biceps and beer bellies. It isn't what we want. But it's the culmination of what we view the ideal form of our physical manifestations to be. Meanwhile, as we do so, we move away from the form in our fantasies, and that form become more and more difficult to imagine ourselves in. I'm now 25. My body is much further from a child form than it was when I was, say, 14. So over time, the fantasy gets harder to imagine and role play. The same rule would apply for physique. As we get stronger, better built, or more athletic, or fatter, we take an identity that is progressively harder to reconcile with our love of diapers, and as a result, we're far less comfortable doing so.

  5. #5


    I weigh 274 pounds with a huge belly, and none of it is from beer. I'm 44 years old. I feel so far away from a toddler in diapers that it hurts. My desire to practice infantilism still waxes and wanes but it has been dormant for about a year and a half and now its back, but not nearly as insistent as it once was. I believe that it is because, as you have said, I cannot reconcile my body and my age with the image in my fantasies. However infantilism is still a comfort to me, and perhaps if I can accept the truth that I am OK as I am, I can still benifit from that comfort without experiencing the effects of these contradictions.


  6. #6


    Yes, I am constantly in an identity crisis. It's also due to a slight bit of gender confusion.

  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by Moose View Post
    My desire to practice infantilism still waxes and wanes but it has been dormant for about a year and a half and now its back, but not nearly as insistent as it once was. I believe that it is because, as you have said, I cannot reconcile my body and my age with the image in my fantasies. However infantilism is still a comfort to me, and perhaps if I can accept the truth that I am OK as I am, I can still benifit from that comfort without experiencing the effects of these contradictions.
    That's good to hear. There are little things I do, like shaving, that help me reconcile the reality and fantasy. Like you, I still enjoy it. But like many of us, it can get into almost a (most likely unhealthy) love-hate relationship with myself. I just try to enjoy it for what it is, and I try not to reject any enjoyment of diapers because of what it can't be. Sometimes I'll wear diapers near exclusively for a week, then I won't touch them for months. Either way, I just don't force myself, and when I want to enjoy it, it's there.

  8. #8


    I haven't worn a diaper in a year and a half, mainly because I was in recovery from a bad Manic Episode (I have Bi-Polar 1), but also because I live in an apartment with a roomate and I can't risk my reputation in the community. But it is a huge temptation to buy some and sneak them into my bedroom and play at night when my roomate goes to work on the night shift. I am getting ready to reconcile my body image enough to allow myself the comfort of diapers at night, at least while the desire is waxing. But I must be completely honest about it and not tell myself that I am really incontinent because that can lead straight to suffereing, simply because it isn't true. And only the truth is true. I may enjoy wearing and using diapers...but I have to be honest.


  9. #9


    From what others have told me a stash of diapers is easy to conceal and use in your private time. However I can't tell you first hand because I'm not there yet. Anyways your working out really caught my attention because I was planning on using the gym to my advantage and getting some serious upper body muscle (from my butt and below is cross country built). I am interested to see the progression you have made from before college to now in terms of physical condition. I know a lot of people who attempt to get buff and wind up not making any headway. But anyways receding to tour identity crisis I know exectly where you are coming from; you are built like a man now, and have this totally cutesy pathetic side to you. My suggestion is to let a little of your cutesy side out. Not wearing diapers in public or anything but there is nothing wrong with wearing fashionable clothing that shows off body and your fashion sense. To me I guess this sort of starts to bridge the gap between both mf my sides. Not just apparel either but the way you walk and talk. That's what works for me... It's the only way to work with what I have. Aside from being scrawny I do just look manly in my figure, facial features, and other physical features. Hope this helps! If not, well it didn't hurt to try.

  10. #10


    I would think that if I were smaller in girth or more muscular and therefore more vital, I'd be more aminable to wearing diapers, because these are hallmarks of youth. But I can see that when a person beefs up and looks more mature physically, it puts them further from the prebubescent dream of infantilism. The best I've been able to do is to use a mental time machine and imagine myself as that small child while trying to totally put the image of my present body out of my mind. I don't need to use actual diapers to enjoy such fantasies because they don't depend on seeing my body in that way. But now I am craving the feeling of diapers again, not the way they look. I want to experience them all over again. And it scares me because I know where it can lead me because I know where it has lead me in the past. It creates a lot of inner conflict. But I don't need to reconcile my present body to the fantasy; the fantasies don't go away, they just come and go as they please.


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