While I know posting this thread will most likely not give me the "answers" I'm looking for, simply typing it to a complete group of strangers may bring me some solace for the pain I feel.
This April will mark my four year anniversary with my partner. Our current situation is as follows: he moved to TN for school, and I subsequently moved to DC for work and personal growth. We lived together for nearly two years prior to our separation from each other, and in that timeframe, I learned a lot about love and coexisting with another. However, during that time, I also found out he had cheated on me numerous times with another individual (who did not know he was in a relationship [furthermore, he didn't even realize said partner was living with him]). I had a difficult decision to make, and I chose the road less followed. I could have easily broke it off and moved on, but apparently I'm a glutton for punishment.
Now, I'm a firm believer that trust is one of two things: earned or lost. There are no in-betweens. This has presented some issues in me "getting over" his infidelity; also my ability to believe in his commitment to staying faithful (especially being apart for this time period).
I can't lie, things are rough. I constantly question everything that I can *see* that he does; ie. Facebook posts, a random text message from some random dude while I was visiting him, etc. I feel like I need some validation or solid answer that he's committed to me.
For quite some time, I've battled with the question of why he cheated on me in the first place. I constantly asked myself (and sometimes him) but never to get an answer. Finally he began to give in and explained that he feels as though it was because we were smoking too much pot at the time, and he felt "disconnected" from me. Upon further pressing of the issue, he disclosed that since I was primarily a sub, he wanted me to be more dominant. Ouch! That crushed me. I was not aware he was seeking out a more dominant personality from me in the bedroom.
Recently, we've had some great discussions around "letting go" and "being ourselves," and he's quite okay with me being a DL (and even wants me to send him a couple so he'll try it out). That's great, and fine, but it seems like he's just talking the talk. This evening on Skype, we were discussing a bit of BDSM stuff, and if the role was reversed with him being sub. He then promptly stated, "But you need to be really aggressive and manly about it." Or something along those lines.
Here's where I think I'm crazy:
First of all, my brain works overtime. It works too fast for its own good, and within seconds I can connect dots and break something down to what I feel is a "root cause" or some sort of "connecting factor." Upon his statement of, "But you need to be .." I immediately felt hurt because it brought me right back to when he was telling me that he cheated on me because I wasn't dominant enough. That was it; I immediately asked if he felt like I wasn't capable of being so, which escalated to me admitting that it hurt my feelings because it made me think of why he cheated on me. Ugh! Why can't I get the HELL over this?! Why can't I just LET IT GO and MOVE ON? Clearly he was stating what he wanted from the scene, and here I was assuming there was some connection to that and his infidelity. My mind wanders.
There are other factors as well. I'm very vocal about my passion and love for him, yet he doesn't quite reciprocate. That's fine, everyone's different, I guess. More often than not, he won't respond to any sweet or loving statements I make to him. Sometimes he sends a smiley face back or a "thanks!" It constantly makes me question whether he is sleeping around. I just can't live like this forever. I keep waiting for some big grandiose effort from him, but I never get it. I want to be married one day (provided the state I live in will allow me to marry another man), I want a trusting and openly loving existence with my partner.
To wrap up ... I know I sound crazy. I know. But trust me, I'm pretty sane. I lead a great existence and am an incredibly trusting, hard working man. I understand that I chose this path, but I just don't know how to move on.
Any words of wisdom or advice are welcome.