Yeah, I am feeling incredibly low at the moment. I actually feel like this most of the time, and everything I try does not seem to help me overcome this at all. I can distract myself with video games and movies, but as soon as I stop doing those things, the depression comes back within seconds.
I really want to go out into the world, to widen my social circle, to be more functional. I do a lot of volunteer work, but at those shifts, I really do not connect with others at all. They appreciate the work that I put in very much, they keep calling me back, but still - I haven't made any friends doing that at all.
Whenever somebody tries to reach out to me, I am not sure whether I should reach back most of the time. That's a terribly unfair attitude for me to have, I know, but I have experienced people reaching out to me before, only to stab me in the back later, so many times.
I want to be able to trust the people around me, but I am not so certain if I can in most cases. I want to be able to keep focusing on my goals, on my future, instead of constantly dwelling on past wounds inflicted upon me and having the pain of those wounds continue to hold me back. I can do all of this, and more - that part is the most frustrating to me. I know I can manage that, I should be able to manage that, and it really should not be this difficult.
I guess now I win the award for being ADISC's most dramatic and emo poster ever. Heh.
EDIT - Well, now I have a prescription for Effexor, which I am going to fill first thing tomorrow morning. Wish me luck on that, it has been a couple of years since I last was on an antidepressant, but it is clear that what I am dealing with, I really was unable to deal with using my willpower alone...... Damn it. Heh.