Iím going through the identity crisis right now. Itís a stage almost every teenager goes through. Itís when you realize the complexity of life and human nature, but have no way of understanding it. and not understanding it, you feal that you don't know who you are. Because of this, Iíve made a bunch of theories that try to describe who I am, and I felt itíd be fun to put them here. Mainly because theyíre all jumbled up in my head and it might help me to put it on paper.
I have a very strong moral system that I live by as best I can. It includes the usual things like always do my best and be kind to others, but it has stranger things as well. I care too much about things that donít mater, I hate the thought of sex, I canít put my feelings above anyone elseís, and I put everyone else above me.
My morals have pushed me away from relationships of any kind. Iíve never had a girlfriend, and I donít plan to until later in life. To me, relationships are held for 3 goals. One is sex, another is marriage, and the last is just to have fun. I donít care about sex (as said above), Iím too young for marriage, and as for a good time, why should I start a relationship for that. Why not just do the same exact things couples would normally do (besides kissing), with out the stress of a relationship.
Iíve labeled myself as Asexual only because itís the closest thing I can think of to what I actually am. For sex and sex alone, I would probably be straight. But thereís more to it than just sex. When it comes down to love, I donít think I could handle it. Itís a field Iím just not ready to explore. And itís not like I donít have the opportunity to. That I know of, there are 3 girls and 1 guy that really want to go out with me, and Iíve made it clear that I donít want to go out with anybody. The big reason I label this ďasexualĒ and not ďstraight but not looking for loveĒ is because my morals push me away from sex without love. Which is why I plan not to have sex until I get married.
My thoughts theory:
I think differently than anyone I know. My thought process goes through this strange system where I pick out things that no one else can pick out, mainly on a deeper level. When Iím thinking deeply, I can come up with so much (on example is all of these theories). Occasionally, me and my dad have really deep conversations, and it startles me how much deeper I think than him. His deep thoughts seem like common sense to me, and my deep thoughts blow him away. Iíve never really had a deep conversation with anyone other than him, so I donít have too much to base this theory on.
Outside influence theory:
I just thought of the name for that, and I really like it. This is about how I act. In different situations, I act really differently, and as hard as I try I canít act differently until the situation changes. a good example is school. I have German class one period, and Iím loud, active, hyper, and Iím happy. The very next period I have art, and I havenít spoken a single word yet. In German the class is encouraged to talk (in German of course), so that influences me to be active. Plus the students in the class are fun and encourage my behavior. But itís different in art. Itís more appropriate to stay quiet and focus on your work, and I hate the kid in the class, so my attitude is completely different. Most people say that they do the same thing, but I like to think that Itís different for me. Iím not just acting different, I think differently, feel different, and an over all different person.
Turning off my emotions theory:
Iíve tried to explain this before, but I donít think I did a very good job at doing it. I donít understand it much myself, so Iím just going to tell what I feel. Basically, I breath in deep, and when I breath out, I focus all of my energy on being completely calm and uncaring. Iíve been very angry, sad, or any bad feeling to feeling nothing using this technique. Iíve also done it at 6 flags on the giant drop. As soon as it started I felt that stomach turning falling feeling like always, but then I breathed out and felt nothing. No fear or anything. I calmly watched the sky sink behind the trees and grinned a little.
I know I this is true, even if I canít describe it well. The biggest way I know how itís affected me is how I take problems. If horrible things happen to me, I couldnít care less. My parents got divorced last summer and I still havenít felt any pain from it. It hasnít bothered me at all. But what hurts me really bad is the little things. If anyone gets frustrated with me and shows it, Iím devastated. The next few days Iím not myself and I canít enjoy anything.
Tb caused by above theoryÖ theory:
When I was little, I had a hard time at everything. I was always sad, had few friends, and wasnít smart enough to focus on those friends and not everyone else. I was teased a lot, and over all unhappy. One strategy to get away from everything was to block out all of my emotions, including happiness (not like I experienced it much anyway). I remained in this emotionless state for a few years until I learned about Tb. Then, in order to feel again, I regressed to a time when I could feel. Iím not sure if thatís true, but it was something to think about.
Tb caused by adisc theory:
This I think is most likely. Iíve always been a dl, but I became a tb after I got comfortable with this sight and everyone on it. Maybe itís possible that Iím not a tb, but just make myself think I am in order to be more accepted by you guys. This isnít a conscious decision if itís true, but something I tricked myself into believing. I think this might be true because I really donít have that many tb feelings. Occasionally Iíll suck on my pacy, but that only makes me happy for about 3 seconds, and then its annoying. The only reason I still label myself as a tb is because I love to be 5 years old. Itís one of my favorite things is to just be really, really immature and have everyone around me have fun because of it. But this goes back to the outside influence theory because if Iím alone or with calm friends, I annoy myself if I act immature.
Thats it for now. if something i said is really unclear, please say so. everything seems normal to me, but if you can't understand it than i'll try to re-explain.
i'd also like to add that these are just theories. they can be completly true, or not true at all, i don't know. they're just things i like to use when i get confused. if anyone has anything to add or remove, i would love to hear it.