Every single night, when I lie in bed and try to sleep, I find everything bad that happened to me in the past just coming back to me in a flood, and then I feel intense rage. Rage against my rapist, rage against the peers who beaten me and humiliated me on a daily basis, rage against the adults in my life who knew what was going on but chose to do nothing to stop it, rage against the adults in my life who told me I deserved to get beaten and humiliated on a daily basis, etc......
I find myself fantasizing about going back to those times and, instead of being passive about it all like I did, actually reacting to those things violently.
I also find myself fantasizing about going back to those times and killing myself in some very high profile ways, just to get somebody's attention about how I was actually feeling at that time.
Then I turn around today, and I see a movie at the local video store about how a woman who was a concentration camp victim was able to get on with her life and actually forgive the people who mistreated her. I plan on going back there to rent it later this week, actually..... But if she could manage that and have some serenity in her heart, then why the fuck can't I?
I want to forgive those who have done me wrong. Not for their sake, but for my own.
This anger in my heart is so fucking overwhelming - I do not wish to carry it around inside me for the rest of my life.
Yeah, I know. I got diagnosed with PTSD a couple of years ago. Some people feel pity for me over that, while others tell me I am an "asshole" for "choosing to be traumatized" by my experiences. Heh.
I want to be able to go to bed at night, and not feel overwhelming rage and frustration.
I want to be able to let go of this rage completely, to move on with my life, to focus my energy on bigger and better possibilities for my future.
I have been talking with my therapist about this, but I have only seen this therapist twice so far. I know that a quick fix for this problem is pretty much impossible for me, but if anybody can think of any strategies that could help me out, I'm willing to listen and to try them out.