I could have added this as an anonymous reply to another thread, I know. But this is huge in my life and for my own ego I needed to shout it out.
I told my wife last night (I guess I need to add and exclamation point) !
I have never (with the exception of ADISC people, of course) told anyone about my diapers. I have been dealing with these feelings for 35 years alone. As much as I am used to that, it seems my feeling for wearing diapers is getting stronger as I get older. I couldn't keep it to myself any longer.
So...after putting my daughter to bed, my wife and I laid in bed and talked. I began by telling her that I had something difficult but important to tell her. I gave her a little story about how I got caught wearing diapers as a 5 year old. I then hemmed and hawed and beat around the bush. She couldn't figure out what the hell I was talking about until I just blurted it out. "I have a very strong desire to wear diapers".
Her response was good. We have been together for 20+ years, so she had to wrap her head around it for a minute. She had no idea I had these feelings (this is good because I was hoping she had never discovered anything). She asked a couple of questions. I gave her honest answers. Most of which were that I have no idea where this desire comes from. The conversation went well.
As the talk progressed she began to ask if I could just forget about it. I told her no way. 35 years of no success is the proof. She asked if I had ever put diapers on. I half lied and half told the truth. "Yes, but only a couple of times in high school and 'later on' (vague)" She took it well.
The next step in full disclosure was to tell her about my stash. Now I know my wife, there is no way I could just tell her that I have been amassing diapers and things for years without her knowing, that would not have been good (true however). So I told her that this binge/wearing cycle was the strongest ever (true) so I went online last week and 'purchased some things' (purposely vague).
She asked, "Have you received them yet."
"Where are they?"
"In the trunk of my car."
She laid silent. She then began to do her analyze thing.
"Don't you think that buying and wearing will encourage the behavior?"
"I can't encourage any more the strong feelings that I have. Owning diapers isn't going to make this worse."
"Don't you want to stop having these feelings?"
"No. I can't help it, so there is no reason to try and stop it."
"Do you like wearing diapers?" (here it is)
"Yes. It makes me feel good. I don't know why."
"Ok", she said.
From this point on we discussed how we are going to handle it. I told her I needed a place to put the 'items' that would be hidden from her and more importantly our daughter. She is very nervous about our daughter finding out, so am I. We came up with a tentative place to put things (hooray, easier access than my last hiding place and more room!). We also discussed the ground rules for my participation. Without boring details the final word was that since my wife does not want to participate (at all, I asked) I will do what I do in an invisible way (basically, status quo). Neither she or our daughter will know when I am wearing. I will not discuss this with her any more unless she brings it up. She reiterated three times that our daughter was to never find out, or else I can't have my 'items' anymore. I agree. Good motivation to be extra careful.
Since I was seeking her approval of my participation, I did ask her for specific guidelines that I promised I would adhere to. In addition to the guidelines above she added two more. I will find it difficult to follow these rules. I feel bad, but my desires are going to outweigh my promise. They are that she doesn't want me to wear in public. The problem is that if I am wearing and I decide to go run an errand, I am not going to remove my diaper and change into regular underwear. I have worn diapers in public many times and I am relatively comfortable with being able to hide them.
The second rule is an interesting one. She asked several questions about what I do while wearing diapers.
"Do you use them?"
To dodge I answered truthfully to half of the question. "I think pooping is disgusting and I will never do that."
"You didn't say anything about peeing."
"That is true. I don't know about the answer to that question." (lie, I like peeing)
"I don't have a problem with you wearing diapers in secret. I do have a problem with the thought of you peeing in them. That is gross. I won't feel good about knowing that you pee in the diapers."
"So are you saying that you don't want me to pee in them?"
"Yes. Don't pee in your diapers."
"Ok. I won't pee." (big lie)
If I am going to wear without her knowledge in an 'invisible way'. Then she won't know one way or the other. I won't poop. That's disgusting. Tried it once over ten years ago. Almost puked. Never again. (Don't tell her)
Anyway, the discussion included some joking and laughter as well as some tears and emotional release. No yelling and no anger. She said she understood my need but didn't understand my desires. I told her to be careful if she decides to look this up online. There are wide variances in the DL community as far as what people do. I gave her some extreme examples. She was weirded out.
So in conclusion, someone important in my life knows about my secret. I feel more than relief, I feel excitement. I know I dumped a huge load off my shoulders. The only problem is that that load is at least temporarily on my wife's shoulders. It is up to her to talk about it with me if she wants. If she never brings it up again, so be it. The rules were clearly laid out, so it is up to me to either follow them or not get caught breaking them.
All in all this was a hugely positive thing. I don't have to worry about keeping this from her any more. I can now store my items without stress (in a locked box, by the way) More importantly she has given her blessing to participate as much as I want, as long as she and especially my daughter don't see. Would I have liked my wife to embrace this a little more? Yes. Would I have been happy if she was more curious about it? Yes. (she doesn't even want to see what I bought, at all)
In a perfect world we would have ended the conversation with me showing her all of my diapers and her putting me into a nice thick cloth diaper with my favorite plastic pants, but I live in reality. This is a weird thing. Wearing diapers is not socially acceptable, whether you need them or not.
Her reaction was real and a huge relief. I can move on with my life knowing that I have been open with the woman I love.
By the way we celebrate our 12th anniversary this year. I better make it a good one.