Monday, March 1, 2010, 5:31pm
Canada awakens to a nasty hangover after celebrating hockey win all night
Told to quiet down by the US.
The entire population of Canada awoke at 3pm this afternoon to a pounding headache and spinning ceilings after spending the entire night celebrating the Men's Ice Hockey win over the United States at the Vancouver Olympics.
The massive party reportedly began innocently enough, with thousands of Canadians packed into bars across Canada to watch the game. After the game went into overtime and Canada scored the final goal, parties exploded onto the streets of all Canadian cities. At 7:00PM Beer Stores were ransacked. An hour later, chug patrols began circuits of all major cities.
At 9:15, road hockey matches sprung up all along Yonge Street in Toronto. Sources say by 11:00 Canadians everywhere were "feeling really, really stoked" and that they planned to "get completely wasted tonight".
535 million gallons of Molson was consumed and the bender lasted 12 hours.
The northern United States issued a noise complaint, but the ruckus continued unabated.
A bleary-eyed Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who answered the door in a bathrobe this afternoon, said Parliament would resume today as soon as the cleaning staff got the puke stains out of the Senate thrones. He also said US President Barrack Obama still owes him a case of beer.
Other than a few grainy cellphone videos and 250 million drunken texts, no evidence remains of what happened last night, and no one can remember a thing.
Syndey Crosby, who woke up in downtown Vancouver with no pants, said, "It''s pretty unbelievable. No one can remember what happened, but you can tell we all had a great time. Just look at me! I've got bite marks on my gold medal and one of my sideburns is missing."
Businesses across Canada didn't immediately reopen this morning due to there being no one awake to open them.
Canadians considered going into work today, but instead decided to just call in sick. No one was there to answer the phones.
Reports that the entire island of Newfoundland has gone missing are as yet unconfirmed.
***Fun fact: That game last night was watched by 80% of the population of Canada, a new record for Canadian television broadcasting.***