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Thread: Ways To Help Your Partner Understand?

  1. #1

    Default Ways To Help Your Partner Understand?

    I'm sure this has been posted multiple times on the boards, and each one had its own little varying 'way' of asking the same question over and over. Well, here's my 'way' of asking the question.

    About two nights ago, while I was chatting on the phone with my boyfriend, we started touching into topics that naturally I shy away from. I had been vividly stressed while on the phone; I had pulled a 12-hour shift at work, was currently PMSing, and hadn't slept in almost 36 hours straight. To me, that's alot on my plate. He caught on pretty quick that I wasn't in the mood to talk for five hours on the phone, so we did the normal routine of him talking me to sleep, like always. Unfortunately, the standard ways to get me to snooze wasn't really functioning.

    Somewhere down the line, he mentioned that I knew a few other ways up my sleeve to get me to sleep, and once again he tried to probe for the information out of me. Naturally, the first thing that came to mind for me was my pacifier, but seeing as he didn't know about my more perverse side of this so-called 'fetish', I didn't mention it... for all of about 5 minutes. I ended up warning him in advance that what I was about to tell him was something that wasn't normal by any form of social standard, and that he might even freak out over it. When he asked me what was up, I told him that, well, I have child-like tendencies, and some of them included things like pacifiers, bottles, the whole cuddling aspect, the whole nine yards I pretty much spilled onto him.

    To my utter relief, he didn't freak out, he didn't call me weird, or anything insulting. He actually was curious. He asked me questions since I was too afraid to say everything out-loud and outright, and then went as far as to call me cute and said he accepted it and wanted to be on board with me on it. I damn near died. I just told a grown man I'd only been dating for 2 months that I enjoyed behaving like a child and he accepted it, on the spot. Uh, holy crap.

    I'll cut out the rest of that night and the whole cute crap that took place after it, because I'm sure to most that it would be called fapping material, and that isn't what I'm trying to get out in this post here.

    Anyway, earlier today, he decided to start looking up some of this stuff online, and, well, he found the more 'grotesque' part of it. I'm talking the whole 'punishment basis' stuff and hardcore sexual fetish about it, none of which I am of, and please don't take offense to it if you are, I just don't like it. To me the whole regression thing is more about stress-relief and simply a good way to enjoy carefree fun, so to speak. Since I myself am still fairly new into this whole thing, and only know a few basics, I was kind of hoping someone wouldn't mind sharing a few links to help so I could link them to him and let him read it. I only ask for the links because I'm too much of a chicken to tell him all of this on the phone. ><

    But yeah, I do have the Understanding Infantilism link, but the website is under construction at the moment, and that was pretty much my only link to giving him. Does anyone know of any other sights to let me a hand with here?

  2. #2


    First, congratulations on having a very difficult conversation, and getting a positive reaction. I think you handled it very well, and it is a model conversation for telling someone.

    I've had very similar conversations with my partner, and I purposely did not use websites because there is just a lot of hardcore or other fetish things that I am not into, but other people are, and I wanted to make sure nothing...umm...mixed?

    So for websites I don't have much input. Looking around on ADISC is a good idea, showing him some threads that have an appeal to you.

    Personally, I would advocate you keep talking about. Tell him it's a stress relief for you, it's a comfort thing, it's something to have clean fun with. Another thing that helped with my partner is I made a list of things that interested me, and gave her the list. First, a list is something you give them, taking the ball out of your court and removing the difficulty of saying things out loud, and it gives your partner a clearer picture of what you want.

  3. #3


    I don't think that many people would freak out about the whole "regression as a stress relief" thing because it's really not all that bad. I mean, everyone on some level does regress to relieve stress, we just as some props to the mix. What's tough to explain is the sexual side of it, since there really is no safe, normal way to explain it. You just have to jump in and explain it as true to how you feel as you can and hope the person doesn't get creeped out. I personally wouldn't use a site to tell somebody because I view things much differently others, and I have a few differently feelings on the matter that aren't expressed in the websites. My advise is to keep talking about it. Now that the door is open, go through it, or bring him through it, however you want to look at the metaphor. Just keep talking about it, and everything about it. You don't have to explain it all at once, but don't leave anything out.

  4. #4


    I'm in exactly the same position...except I was so comfortable with her that I first told her I wore diapers for urinary and fecal incontinence in an email later on in the evening on the first date we met...she was totally cool with that then the following day in a back and forth email convo I told her about my ab side...we have now know each other for 3 months...I spend every fri sat sun and some mondays with her...she has two kids age 5 and 6 and I bring my 13 month old daughter...I sleep next to her w my teddy and my paci and all is good...I gave her a list of my ab role play and fantasy ideas and she said right off the bat she is comfortable with 95 percent of it...she did mention being ocd(obsessive compulsive) might make it take a while to be comfortable changing poopy diapers...she also has visited sites some I pointed her to others she found on her own...she found a posting about people shoving bannanas and marshmallows up their butts which grossed her out and of course she wanted to confirm I didn't do this which I don't then she asked if being ab was sexual which it is not so I explained the difference between dl and ab people and that for me its not sexual at all that its a comfort thing and all about role play....she made the comment that if it was a sexual thing that it would make her feel like a pervert when we have sex...I reminded her that the role play would never involve sex and that role play for me would never be 24/7 and would be pre planned and discussed unless she wanted to surprise me...I know she still has a lot of questions and some concerns....I've made it clear to her that continuing to talk about it would be key and told her to not hold back and to ask any questions no matter how wierd or awkward...also a new rule that she agreed to: no abdl site browsing w/o me there so she doesn't end up on the more sexually oriented sites or sites that may give her wrong info or scare her...

    Lastly today I got home and we had just put all my bags back in the house and had went down to take a look at her car and get my daughter out of her car to take up stairs...I handed my daughter to her to bring upstairs so she could say good by..her hand kind of got caught between my daughter her arm and my arm/ hand and being the joker I am I acted as if I needed to help her carry my 13 month old up the stairs...she decided to surprise me by not letting go of my hand and as we are walking up the stairs she got that motherly condecensing tone moms get and was saying stuff like "come on little guy you can do it one step at a time" "there we go" "yaaaaa" big boy" don't fall hold on to my hand etc. I emailed her once she got home to mentioned how much I liked it...and she aknowledged it and did it knowing I would like it : "Yes I led ya up the stairs, knowing you'd like it, however man, this stuff has me going* hmmmm, don't quite have an opinion yet" its like she is going back and forth...I responded to her that we really need to talk about it and put it all on the table....

    So I know what you are going through...for me I feel in the long run she will accept all my role play ideas and fantasies...and that she will be 100 percent okay with it...I think that fact that she has a less than stellar past like I have(she former addict and me a former foster kid) and that I trusted her w my two most intimate and potentially embarrassing secrets as well as my 30 page 10500 word life story opened up her mind and heart...I wish you and your partner the best of tidbit of patient and let the partner know right off the bat what ab stuff you can't live w out and which you can so he or she can be certain if there is something that couldn't be accepted she or he could tell you knowing where you both my case it may take awhile for her to be okay changing my diaper when its poopy...for me being changed is an integral part of ab and so my natural inclination is to mention it from time to time....

  5. #5

  6. #6


    Quote Originally Posted by JonBB View Post
    You've got a great guy there :3 I'm so jealous! Hmph!
    I know. -gushes-

    Part of me wonders what on Earth I did to deserve such luck on my part, but I'm taking it with every inch that's given to me.

    But, following the advice I read from the first two posters at the time I re-read this topic, I ended up playing a game of ask-and-tell with him. We bascially shot questions at eachother, playing the ball from one court to another, and seeing what we were and weren't okay with. It helped clear up alot, that was for sure.

  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by applebeary View Post

    I ended up playing a game of ask-and-tell with him. We bascially shot questions at eachother, playing the ball from one court to another, and seeing what we were and weren't okay with. It helped clear up alot, that was for sure.
    I'm starting of thinking of starting some sort of thread on ways to continue the *B/DL conversation after telling your partner. If you don't mind me asking, what were some of the questions that were asked?

  8. #8


    I don't think I told my boyfriend about my AB/DL side until we had been dating for about three or so months.

    I remember I was driving out to my grandparents' house and for some reason we began the conversation through text (which makes harder conversations easier, imo). First question right off the bat was, "Does that mean you like babies?" So I quickly said no, since he was trying to work through the word 'infantilism,' and texts can be unclear at times. Long-text conversation short, he seemed cool with it. He's very open-minded, but I still had fears.

    About a week later I get a random text, "Guess what I'm wearing?" Lo-and-behold, a diaper. Turns out he was hanging out with one of his neighbors, who's sister is mentally challenged and has to wear diapers. However, she refuses to wear anything but Attends, and evidently someone had bought her Depends. He asked if I wanted a picture, so I gave the expected response of yes. So that was a pleasant surprise to say the least.

    Later on, maybe a couple weeks, I stayed the day at his house and he whips out two Depends. Blah, blah, blah, fantasy fulfilled, you get the picture... Now I joke that I "corrupted" him into being a DL. I'm still having to coax him out into public wearing with me on occasion, but it's still obvious I'm the one more into them.

    More on topic though, we played a long game of asking questions, mostly from him. And that process is still on-going as I explore my wants and desires, I don't act on everything, but I feel safe knowing that he's up for pretty much anything. I would say for anyone to be honest with your partner, especially if they ask questions.

  9. #9


    I'm talking the whole 'punishment basis' stuff and hardcore sexual fetish about it, none of which I am of, and please don't take offense to it if you are, I just don't like it.
    When you get into punishment I classify that as part BDSM and not strictly AB. There's being treated as a baby but then when punishment is exclusively the desired action, that's no longer AB in my opinion.

  10. #10


    More on topic though, we played a long game of asking questions, mostly from him. And that process is still on-going as I explore my wants and desires, I don't act on everything, but I feel safe knowing that he's up for pretty much anything. I would say for anyone to be honest with your partner, especially if they ask questions.[/QUOTE]

    My thoughts exactly being honest is important and for me and my girlfriend we have made open and transparent honesty an integral part of the relationship...I told her from the start about everything and she told me from the start about everything...there is something about honesty especially w intimate secrets that brings out the best in two open minded people...

    Both me and her know it will be awhile before she gets into the groove and participates in my ab lifestyle but knowing she knows and is okay with it and that eventually she will participate 100 percent it allows us as a couple to focus on other important stuff...when you hide and with hold other stuff gets put on hold....

    Admitting and talking about being ab or dl w your partner may be the hardest thing you will ever do in your life but don't wait until a day before the may not go over well....if you talk about it and she or he isn't comfortable...then its not likely to work out....if you hide it but get discovered later it won't be good....if the person isn't right for you then be patient you will find someone...I never thought I would find some one but I did and by accident.... So be honest from the get go and be willing to be patient finding the right person then once you do still be patient...the day will come in that relationship were everything will fall into place and it will be heaven on earth....

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