I'm struggling to type this already. Just staring at this screen hoping my brain will process my exact feelings and thoughts on this issue. I feel pretty distracted though from clear focus because one side of me is just waving a middle finger at him and other side is trying to understand. I never been put in a position before where it involves me choosing to clean the slate of someone I actually truly care about in my life.
It's always easier when it's a relationship involving a soon to be ex. and telling them you're done. I don't even know why that is to be honest. When you think about it their really not that much different. The only thing I can think of separating the two apart is the sexual aspect. I do know that if I wasn't content with current better half of almost nine years that I would be with my best friend instead. No, this doesn't threaten me or strike me as weird. I'm very comfortable and stable with the one I already love.
So back to the issue of my best friend. We've known each other for over ten years now. I would say the last three years have taken a beating upon me though. I work very hard weeks, Raccoon especially knows this. When I finally get some time off I absolutely hate feeling like I wasted it. I like to be productive. I like to plan ahead of time to make the absolute most of any given situation. I will often be the one in charge of the planning to make sure everyone involved has the greatest time. There has been so many times though where I have simply wasted my time. I feel under appreciated. Flat out ignored even. It's easy to say "oh their treating you like shit, fuck em". The situation is different though. For one, my heart is too damn big sometimes. When plans actually do work out, we have a amazing time together. A true laugh fest full of good memories. Everything from drinking, smoking, gaming it up, cracking jokes/insults on each other, underground dnb/dubstep parties, and just simply chilling. My best friend often feels like my little brother to me. I was never close with my real brother so I think this is part of the reason I cherish our times together.
The only thing is he constantly flakes on me. I've lost count of how many times its been. This morning he did it to me again. The real nail in the coffin though is I just had a heart to heart talk with him on Wednesday when we were making plans for this weekend. I told him I can't handle anymore of you getting my hopes up and completely crushing em last minute. I stressed the fact that all our shared friends think he's the biggest flake and how tired I was of sticking up for him when they were only speaking the truth. Don't put me in that position please. He acted like he cared. He even acted like he was sorry. Well at least I thought anyway.
I got off work this morning to a test message on my phone saying he had to cancel. We had plans to go to a amazing line up of dnb/dub talent tonight in our stomping grounds of Los Angeles. He knew how excited I was to see some of my favorite producers/djs tear those decks up. On Sunday morning I managed to get us both a hook up of free Disneyland park hopper tickets. To end our epic weekend we were simply gonna chill at my place Sunday night and have a little slumber party/cub out time.
I don't know how much longer I can continue to get my hopes up only to have them crushed. The true feeling is having a knife stabbed in your gut, twisted, and looking up to stare into the face of the one who you thought was your best friend. I'm just so damn crushed right now that I'm fighting temptation to not hit the send button on this post. I hate showing a weak side of me but at the same time I hate denying how I feel. I better end this post now before I do back out. I'm sorry to trouble you with my troubles. This really isn't how I want to be known on here. I guess now you know that I'm really no different than you.