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Thread: Yelling - Right or wrong?

  1. #1
    LilpawsGHuskypup

    Default Yelling - Right or wrong?

    Hiya folks.
    Another one of my "walking home experiences".

    Yelling at your kids - Right or wrong?

    I was walking home from the bus today when I witnessed something that made me think.
    One my way home, I heard someone yelling. Once I got closer and looked out over the hills I saw two young kids, looked no older that 4 and an older person, their mum I would guess. They were out by a small hill, the kids riding their sledges.
    At first I didn't mind them and kept on walking. I could hear that they were having a rather tense conversation, though I have no idea what it was about.
    After a while, the mother and one of the kids went away, leaving the other kid by itself, sitting in the snow. I heard the mother yell back at the kid, something in the lines of:
    "Well you sit there, we're leaving now. Bye bye!"
    I kept on walking, wondering what the fuzz could have been about. Maybe the kid didn't want to go home or something...
    Then something happened.
    The mother started to speak more gently towards the kid in the snow, I only heard some mumbling sounds.
    Then she yelled. She yelled loud and with rage in her voice.
    I think it was something like:
    "Don't you hear anything!? Say something!"
    The kid started to cry.
    This struck me with tremendous force. Call me sensitive, but I felt a deep pain in my heart and my gut. I actually stopped for a while, weighing the impulse to head over to the mother and speak my feelings towards her. Though I know of course, I have nothing to do with her way of raising her children... And so I kept walking.
    Why I reacted this way, I'll tell you why.

    As I kid, I was yelled at allot. Mostly it was my father who yelled at me. I can't remember why, only but a few times when I had been bad towards my sister or something...
    I remember being scared. So utterly scared of being yelled at.
    Maybe I saw my past self in that kid today...
    I still love my father, and I'm sure he meant well. Maybe it was a part of his way in raising me.
    Nevertheless, this has left scars for life. I'm not lying.
    I'm am to date still scared of yelling. Many years ago I told my parents that I didn't like it when they yelled at me and my sister, and so they stopped.
    These days, my family rarely raise voice against each-other.

    When someone yells, even if it isn't against me, I get this feeling that it's my fault, even though I know it's not.
    The feeling I get in my heart and gut when it happens, is a nightmare.
    I can't describe it. I don't know if it's anger, sadness, fear, humiliation, rage, terror... or a mixture of it all at the same time.
    I like to describe it as, a bottomless black hole or a black mist in the stomach.
    If you haven't felt this feeling before, consider yourself lucky.
    It's a feeling that I don't even wish upon my worst enemy.

    I still can take conversation though. And when someone makes a really wrong statement or argument that I know is wrong or unfair, I'll take action and defend myself. So by no means am I feeling totally incapable of throwing back at someone who tries to put me down.
    Still, I think that this is the missing piece of my self-esteem's puzzle. It's something I work with and doesn't want to accept in my life anymore.
    I work to leave it behind me.

    To summarize:
    I think yelling is wrong. It's something that shows a poor way of making conversation. In addition, lack of respect.
    I'm confident that one is able to present a message without yelling.

    Yelling at your kids is something that I'll never support. I know how much it can hurt.
    I just can't understand it, why would yelling make the message any clearer?
    It's not like it's gonna make it easier for the kid to understand? On the contrary! Yelling scares the pants of the kids. The parents, which has shown love and affection towards them, a familiar and friendly face which the kid can relate too as something good.
    All of a sudden it's all gone, just like that. How's the kid gonna react? It's like kids and irony. They don't work hand in hand.
    In some ways I feel, it's a deep betrayal...
    You just don't yell at your kids.
    It's the wrong way to go, the wrong way to raise your children.

    Then again, there might be situations where yelling is the only way to go.
    Or is it?
    Is there some way to support yelling at your children?
    I'm willing to discuss this matter, for the sake of wider perspective and understanding.
    Do you have any experiences yourself?
    What's your take on yelling, and yelling as a part of raising your children?
    Last edited by LilpawsGHuskypup; 02-Feb-2010 at 17:03. Reason: Spelling and adds

  2. #2

    Default

    My stepfather always yelled at me about how he wanted to "kick my ass" when I was younger, and that always scared me.

    But my mother did something that was far more damaging, and it did not involve yelling.

    She would often tell me, very calmly, that I deserved the beatings and the humiliations I got at school on a daily basis, that I deserved my stepfather smacking me around over the tiniest of things, that the tiny mistakes I would sometimes make would lead to great failures later on in life. Rarely ever raising her voice, rarely ever getting overly dramatic about it - but still, it had the force of a goddamn atom bomb in my soul.

  3. #3

    Default

    I got yelled at alot and unfortunately I grew immune to noticing tone differences and I seem to yell sometimes (yes kit I yell) but I can see how this would be hurtful seeing my background and how I talk sometimes

  4. #4

    Default

    My dad yelled at me and it scarred me. I just can't handle yelling as it scares me so much. Kids are too delicate to be yelled at, if you must discipline them it should be in a calm and controlled manner.

  5. #5

    Default

    I agree with this I mean a Stern tone I believe would be enough not yelling.

  6. #6

    Default

    to you all! My parents did some yelling but it's only when I deserved it.

  7. #7

    Default

    Yelling is part of parenting. Unless you also do physical harm then it's ok. I got yelled at alot as a kid.

  8. #8

    Default

    My mother still yells at me for no reason... it used to scare me but I've become desensitized to it... When my dad was around he used to yell at me and call me worthless... He'd even manhandle sometimes, but my mom said that's how he was raised, but I don't think that that's a valid reason to put your hands on someone that's weaker and smaller than you are

  9. #9

    Default


    First, this might just be a part of the family dynamic. Or the kid may have put a turd in his brother's mouth just before. Either way, commenting on the scenario that unfolded is largely off the table, I think.

    As for yelling at your children, I think it is an option. I know that, with me, if my parents raised their voice, it was "OHSH--" time. This is because they didn't need to raise their voice (much less yell) 99% of the time. It made the remaining 1% of the time VERY effective.

    I feel this way toward lots of corrective measures in children--everything that is not abuse should be on the table and made available for use. Now, you may never end up spanking your child, but it should be an option.

    To summarize: yelling at your children is just fine. Yelling at them over the most trivial of things or the slightest infraction is self-defeating and will make it unclear when something is "meh" (set the table) and when something is life-threatening (watch out for that bus).

    ---------- Post added at 02:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:08 PM ----------



    Quote Originally Posted by kaworuchan View Post
    My stepfather always yelled at me about how he wanted to "kick my ass" when I was younger, and that always scared me.

    But my mother did something that was far more damaging, and it did not involve yelling.

    She would often tell me, very calmly, that I deserved the beatings and the humiliations I got at school on a daily basis, that I deserved my stepfather smacking me around over the tiniest of things, that the tiny mistakes I would sometimes make would lead to great failures later on in life. Rarely ever raising her voice, rarely ever getting overly dramatic about it - but still, it had the force of a goddamn atom bomb in my soul.
    That's abuse. Both items, but especially the second.

  10. #10

    Default

    I know the feeling you describe!
    And my parents weren't really bad with yelling, but I do remember them yelling a few times.

    I also hated it when teachers would shout (not at me, I was too good, but the whole class).

    I think yelling is wrong, but I understand why it happens. Kids can be annoying sometimes.

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