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Thread: Asexuality and Being a Virgin

  1. #1

    Default Asexuality and Being a Virgin

    I just had something on my mind these past few days and I felt the need to post it...think I just needed to talk about it, and like ABism, it's something I really don't feel comfortable talking about to most people. I'm not really looking for advice exactly (though if people want to offer any, feel free)...I think I just need to get this out of my system. So I hope people will keep that in mind in their responses.


    The way a few of my online *B/DL friends have described my sexuality is "diapersexual". I'm emotionally attracted to males and females (in different ways), but an actual naked person of either sex does absolutely nothing in terms of turning me on. Only ABish things turn me on.


    Sexually, this has put me in a situation that is different from everyone I know (like ABism does). If I was ever with a male or a female, I don't think I would be able to be turned on enough in order to have sex with them (unless, of course, there was some kind of AB play involved...but I've never gotten to that point with somebody).

    So, I am 26 years old and I'm a virgin.

    Here's the thing about it...personally, that doesn't bother me at all. Knowing my own sexuality, I don't have the desire to have sex with anyone...it's as simple as that.

    This has also put a damper on relationships for me...both in terms of where past relationships have gone, and in terms of what I want. I don't really have the desire to marry or even have a long term relationship with anyone...I mean, I'm not saying I never would, but it's not something I feel I need to be happy.


    The problem is that socially it's kind of frustrating. Other than being an AB, I would say being a virgin is probably my deepest held secret. Being a 26 year old guy, it's not something I can really tell people without fear of them thinking I'm a loser (or whatever else you can come up with). It doesn't come up often, but I always act like I'm not a virgin...especially since I haven't been in a relationship in a while. It's just something abnormal...and it feels like everyone around you can't relate in any way, shape or form.


    I guess that like being an AB, it's one of those things that you just accept about yourself and learn to get used to keeping hidden from people. It's just frustrating, though...not having people accept you for who you are. A lot of times friends and family keep telling me they want me to find someone...and I know they probably just think that I'm a nice guy and they want to see me happily in love with someone...but it's still frustrating not being able to have them understand everything about me.


    So I think that's why I'm making this post...just to finally be able to tell people this and not be judged for it or looked down about it. I know I shouldn't care what most people think, and for the most part I've gotten to the point where it doesn't really bother me. It's just that after having to keep it hidden day in and day out, every now and then it juts kind of gets to me. It's not like I want to go out and force having sex for the sake of other people...it's just sometimes I need to tell people things. I know everyone has different sexual experiences on here, so it even feels a little uncomfortable talking about it here.

    So anyway...if anyone reading this can relate, I hope it helps a little. For everyone else...it just feels good for me to just share something and (hopefully) not be judged for it.

  2. #2

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    You've pretty much described the way I feel with this post. I feel very similar to everything you've described, the only difference being that I don't really care if people know or not.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wegs View Post
    You've pretty much described the way I feel with this post. I feel very similar to everything you've described, the only difference being that I don't really care if people know or not.
    I hear ya...though it's a lot easier when you're 15 instead of 26.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by teddy564339 View Post
    So, I am 26 years old and I'm a virgin.
    i gotcha beat on that one
    extended family is the most annoying aspect of being 'unsullied'; with mates you can just bullshit your way through and it fits in cos most of what they say is just bullshit, too. but what do you say to an aunt when she asks why you haven't got a girlfriend or aren't yet married (and they're so flucking forthright and loud with it)?
    i used to lament the position i was in (to the point of suicidal thoughts) for my own personal 'loss' and that was a hard thing to work through but, in all aspects of what can mentioned about this subject, it really does get easier as you get older, as it becomes less of an issue as people around you just begin to accept you the way you are (regardless of what they do or don't know about you) - and, of course, as the old matriarchs and matchmakers kick the bucket.

  5. #5

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    As an asexual DL myself, I can definitely relate.



    Quote Originally Posted by teddy564339 View Post
    The way a few of my online *B/DL friends have described my sexuality is "diapersexual". I'm emotionally attracted to males and females (in different ways), but an actual naked person of either sex does absolutely nothing in terms of turning me on. Only ABish things turn me on.
    "Diapersexual" is an interesting way to put it. At times I wonder if pure fetishism could itself be classified as a distinct sexuality, as I would certainly fit into such a category.

    Asexuality, despite affecting a minority (~1%), is actually a rather wide term that describes everyone who isn't sexually attracted to other people. There are some who have no sexual attraction whatsover, but really, the asexual label is more a description of what someone is not than what someone is. It's like saying that one is not heterosexual, not homosexual, not bisexual, not pansexual, etc., all at the same time; it's kind of like the "other" category.




    Sexually, this has put me in a situation that is different from everyone I know (like ABism does). If I was ever with a male or a female, I don't think I would be able to be turned on enough in order to have sex with them (unless, of course, there was some kind of AB play involved...but I've never gotten to that point with somebody).

    So, I am 26 years old and I'm a virgin.
    Ditto, except you have some years on me, and I don't have the emotional attraction that could even lead to such a point.




    Here's the thing about it...personally, that doesn't bother me at all. Knowing my own sexuality, I don't have the desire to have sex with anyone...it's as simple as that.

    This has also put a damper on relationships for me...both in terms of where past relationships have gone, and in terms of what I want. I don't really have the desire to marry or even have a long term relationship with anyone...I mean, I'm not saying I never would, but it's not something I feel I need to be happy.
    I've actually had quite a bit of trouble wrapping my mind around this. Whenever I consider what my life will look like decades from now, I know that I'll be nominally successful, but I fear the possibility of long-term isolation and loneliness. I'm aware of a distinct emotional need to be very close to at least someone, but lacking emotional attraction to anyone, there's a mismatch between the level of friendships I form and fulfillment of that need. I have good friends whom I trust very much, but not the kind that would give me a hug when I need it.

    I'm not at all perturbed by the fact that I'll most likely be a virgin my whole life, but I'm deeply bothered that I'll either rarely or never have someone with whom I be close to and with whom I can share my life.



    The problem is that socially it's kind of frustrating. Other than being an AB, I would say being a virgin is probably my deepest held secret. Being a 26 year old guy, it's not something I can really tell people without fear of them thinking I'm a loser (or whatever else you can come up with). It doesn't come up often, but I always act like I'm not a virgin...especially since I haven't been in a relationship in a while. It's just something abnormal...and it feels like everyone around you can't relate in any way, shape or form.

    I guess that like being an AB, it's one of those things that you just accept about yourself and learn to get used to keeping hidden from people. It's just frustrating, though...not having people accept you for who you are. A lot of times friends and family keep telling me they want me to find someone...and I know they probably just think that I'm a nice guy and they want to see me happily in love with someone...but it's still frustrating not being able to have them understand everything about me.
    I've told my closest friends that I'm asexual. That solves that problem, not to mention any other related expectations. Honesty is actually a really convenient solution here. I will say that it's not something my friends are great at empathizing with, but they do understand the consequences of it.




    So I think that's why I'm making this post...just to finally be able to tell people this and not be judged for it or looked down about it. I know I shouldn't care what most people think, and for the most part I've gotten to the point where it doesn't really bother me. It's just that after having to keep it hidden day in and day out, every now and then it juts kind of gets to me. It's not like I want to go out and force having sex for the sake of other people...it's just sometimes I need to tell people things. I know everyone has different sexual experiences on here, so it even feels a little uncomfortable talking about it here.

    So anyway...if anyone reading this can relate, I hope it helps a little. For everyone else...it just feels good for me to just share something and (hopefully) not be judged for it.
    You're posting this on ADISC. We're pretty nonjudgmental about this kind of stuff.

  6. #6

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    Sometimes it is tough being a virgin (like myself) in a world where everything is about sex. I go to high school and have to deal with my friend who always talks about his wonderful sex. It is tough for me because not only am I a virgin but a really unsure bisexual virgin. I am at my time where I can be a "sexual" hound but sometimes the lack of a relationship and sex keeps my sexual orientation battles in confusion. It is hard sometimes to cope with it but personally I also am not in a desperate hurry for sex. I can wait for someone who I truly care for and can deal with it there but it can be tough sometimes. I'm a virgin, I don't drink or do drugs, and I don't give a fuck what others think of me not being the typical teenager. So what?

    Teddy, I know that this must be a tough topic for you to write here and if you do not feel comfortable in saying stuff like that, then that is fine, but just know that we will treat these situations with the upmost respect and maturity in dealing with it. You're in good hands here.

  7. #7

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    i have a lot of conflicted feelings about being asexual. on the one hand, i find the idea of sex gross, and i have no interest in ever trying it out. on the other hand, i don't want to get lonely, especially as i get older. being a part of a family feels "right." it keeps us from getting lonely, and it's what society expects us to do. people are respected and trusted more when they're part of a family -- can you imagine anyone ever getting elected president of the united states who wasn't married? and it's not just society -- getting married and having kids is written into our genes. i would love to raise kids, to watch them grow up, and then to have my children and grandchildren around me when i'm old. instead i'll probably die alone.

    still, i have no idea how i could fit a partner and children into my life, however much i crave that companionship and sense of belonging. i'm far too busy to date, even if i could find someone who was interested in an asexual relationship. it's hard enough for me to find the time to stay in touch with each of my friends and still take time for myself. i'm a very introverted person, and i have to spend a lot of time alone each day to feel alright. how could i do that if i had a family? and how could i fit diapers into that kind of lifestyle? i would never want to wear diapers around my kids, and yet i don't know how i could happy without them. lastly, i barely make enough money to support myself in a one-room apartment. supporting a family would be completely out of the question for me.

    i think i'm just not the sort of person who could ever get married and start a family. i'm trying to make my peace with that, and to be happy with who i am as a single guy.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by tk7432 View Post
    Teddy, I know that this must be a tough topic for you to write here and if you do not feel comfortable in saying stuff like that, then that is fine, but just know that we will treat these situations with the upmost respect and maturity in dealing with it. You're in good hands here.

    I actually feel a lot better about it all having shared it and having people respond positively. The only reason why I wouldn't be comfortable sharing things is because of the potential reactions of people...and I think with all of the joking around that goes on at adisc, I forgot how sensitive and accepting everyone here is.



    So thanks to everyone...this has made me feel a lot better.

  9. #9

    Thumbs up Cheer up mate!

    Dear teddy564339, I hope I can encourage you to take heart, if you would take the opinion of someone who is twice your age.
    Do not despair! You are in a rare category of 26 year old males in today’s society and you really do not have to feel ashamed about being a secret virgin. Something I have found is that SEX (for its own sake) is greatly over rated in the world, compared to an expression of deep love to and from, someone you really care about.
    Try to imagine a possible future where you are very much in love and very committed to someone (when you are both ready), your AB side is known and accepted, as well as all your other faults. When all that is in place, (having placed sex last), you now express your love by giving your body. Now that’s the best way to lose your virginity, if you are ever so fortunate to be in that situation.
    I was once a twenty something year old virgin and have always regretted that my first encounter did not have more meaning. So please take heart, try and improve your self image, you are not a loser that is for sure, (all successful people have been losers at some stage).
    You have a secret to be proud of and a gift you can only give once. No need to feel ashamed about that.
    All the best with your future.

  10. #10

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    I'm kind of in the same situation as you seeing how I'm not attracted to anything other than diapers and I'm a virgin. The big difference is (other than age) is that I'm quite proud to be a virgin and to have never had a relationship. I love being set apart from the average, and since I'm proud to be a virgin no one can really say anything to upset me. I've had one person try to insult me and I laughed him away. I would tell people about my ABDL life, but that would affect my current job and my future career, so I keep that quiet. Otherwise I tell everybody about what makes me different.

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