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Thread: Long-Distance Relationships: Working Them?

  1. #1

    Default Long-Distance Relationships: Working Them?

    I'm sure someone else has made a thread about this in the past, or something similar enough that I'm probably just wasting space, but, eh, I figured a new topic would catch a few more eyes and hopefully a few more responses.

    In the short time I've joined and posted around ADISC, I haven't really opened up or anything, so I'm going to kind of throw out a little bit about myself to set the stage for the question at hand.

    My mom always called me a little bit of a 'late-bloomer' in terms of the dating scene. I didn't get my first kiss until I was 17, and my first boyfriend until 17 as well. But that short span of time had been one of the greatest moments of my life. I dated this person for almost 1 year flat, but it ended when he told me he no longer felt the same way. Yes, I was crushed, devastated, blown out of the water, whatever you'd like to call it. It hurt, it stung, felt like I had been impaled with something, etc etc.

    And so I existed for a year on my own, a little over a year exactly without another 'significant other' in my life. I learned my place at the table, accepted I wasn't obviously going to find someone to date me and like me for me, and moved on with life. Was it hard? Hell yes. I spent countless nights crying after watching Facebook status' updating about people gushing over their other half. It was like sticking needles all over my body and breaking off the tip inside the skin.

    A little over a couple of months ago, someone began to express interest in me, enough that he wanted my phone number and wanted to talk to me after I was off WoW (yes, that's where I met him) and text me frequently. We'll just call him Missouri Boy for the sake of the conversation. Well, Missouri Boy really only wanted some nasty photos, so after getting my hopes up that maybe I was going to have a little bit of good luck in life after all, I pretty much said 'Screw it, if I find someone, I find someone. Until then, to hell with it all. I'm done looking'.

    That was when I met someone else, and we're going to call him Texas Boy. Texas instantly came off as a moron and a jerk to me in the game; he was blunt, knew how to press your buttons and watch you squirm, everything I wasn't looking for. Part of me doesn't even know how it happened, but one night he, after hearing me vent for twenty minutes, asked for my phone number. At this point I figured why not, and gave it to him. That was almost two months ago. Two days ago, the 19th, we had a heart-to-heart over the phone and laid our cards on the table, both telling the other that we liked each other. Since that night I gave him my phone number, he still calls me every night, still texts me all day long.

    I know, I know, it sounds like I've hit the Happy Ending Phase, right? One small problem. He's IN Texas, and I'm, well, I'm in Pennsylvania. So right now, to save ourselves, we're trying a long-distance relationship, keeping it strictly between ourselves and our closest friends. If it looks like we don't hate each other's guts in a few months, we're going to be a little more open about it.

    Has anyone else ever had a long-distance relationship? How big was the distance? Did you ever end up meeting them? How did it go? I'm just looking to see if anyone else has a little experience that can offer a little support to the situation.

  2. #2



    Relationships over a long distance can be very hard. Then again, they can also be very easy. First and foremost, it's always important to remember that 1) there's nothing odd about a distance relationship (our modernized computer culture and Internet reliance has caused it to become an integral form of acceptable social communication) and 2) long-distance relationships have been happening for a lot longer than even the Internet has been around, so it's not unheard-of to be able to make them work!

    I know from my own personal experience that with due diligence, patience, and communication, long-distance relationships can work. Why? I'm temporarily in one now. When my best friend of thirteen years (someone I met over the Internet when we were both thirteen, who lived quite near to me) had moved all the way across country several years ago to pursue her life and career, we realized our feelings for each other. Even with thousands of miles separating us, I could have never asked for a more solid and trustworthy relationship. It makes it that much more exciting to know that -- occasional visits notwithstanding -- she'll be back permanently in just a few months.

    The only thing you cannot fully engage in over such a distance is full-on physical intimacy, which -- depending on your mindset and his -- could be a big factor or could not. Everything else, though, is fully possible. Talk on the phone; text as much as you'd like; check in with each other; talk about your concerns; spend time together (chatting, doing things online, playing Scrabble, watching movies over Netflix together, playing World of Warcraft, anything that allows you to spend time together); share one another's lives as close as you can with the distance between you so that if it comes down to you two being with one another physically, it's like you'd had it for a hundred years!

    A long-distance relationship also requires quite a bit of compromise. It requires the understanding that you two must trust one another's sensibilities when you cannot be around to be a check and balance. Tell him what you expect out of him trust-wise; ask him what he expects out of you. Refuse to break those bonds and hold firm to your beliefs of integrity. Plan on visits. Plan ahead! Save up money. If you discover that this relationship is really, really taking off, then don't be afraid to discuss the future ("How will we live together? Will one of us move? Will we still be compatible if we live together?") and talk, talk, talk.

    I can't stress communication enough. When you don't have physical intimacy, emotional and mental devotion takes even more work than we could ever imagine, but it's through that kind of closeness (even over distance) that we can best grow to learn what our loved ones need, what they require, and what they want from us, as well as what we want from them!

    Best of luck to you, Applebeary. If you ever need any advice, please don't hesitate to ask!

  3. #3


    I was gonna say just about what Dawes said.
    I'm one of those for whom a long-distance relationship worked out quite well. We met in high school, started dating, but after just a few month I had to move away. Well, we decided to give it a try and so we've been living apart for more than 5 years. As Dawes said, talking is the key point. And trusting each other, being absolutely honest.
    For me it would have been very hard to not see him at all, so we both saved money and visited whenever possible. I was always looking forward to those weekends, but, to tell the truth, it was hell to let him leave again. So if you try to make this relationship work, be prepared, it will hurt sometimes. For me it helped a lot to have a future to look forward to. We always knew (well, hoped would be the better word) it won't be a long-distance relationship forever. We somehow felt we belong together and tried everything to eventually move in together. It worked for us, he proposed to me a while ago and now I'm awaiting his baby! (gee, that sounds like one of those "and they lived happily ever after"-stories ) I just want to tell you that this can work, if you're both serious about this relationship. But you'll need to know what to expect. It won't be easy! For me it totally was worth it!

  4. #4


    I haven't but my best friend did. They met on gay website (similar to ADISC), he lived in Port Talbot which is a 3 hour train ride from us. He saw him every 2 weeks when he went to visit his family in Wales, they had a good relationship but it only lasted 3 months. My friend was dumped because the guy thought the distance was too much.

    So a long distance relationship can be hard but they can still work. If you're both serious there is potential for a great and long lasting relationship.

  5. #5


    I have been in three online relationships and all of them were long distance. I never got to meet them. Both of them stopped coming online and the other one got a girlfriend in real life. I wasn't hurt in the first two but the last one, I was a little because I was so close to him and then he stopped coming on and I tried to call him and I didn't know he cancelled his phone service. He also ignored my emails and PMs and said he was busy. But if he was busy, then why was he on the forum? He said he had been working his butt off and saving up for an apartment but I never heard from him again so it's hard for me to buy what he said. It could be true what he said but I don't think I mattered to him. I moved on and decided no more long distance relationship. I almost got in another one but decided to just be friends because I don't want a online one with someone whom I might never meet. None of us had the money to travel. We still talk.

  6. #6


    I've been in several long distance relationships. Two of them failed; one of them is extremely working. Everyone has said some of the most important stuff: talking, finding stuff to do together long distance. As I've gotten older, this has become much easier. World of Warcraft helps me a lot, so does playing any online game or watching shows at the same time. I spend an obscene amount of time on the phone, but I never feel like my relationship is lacking. I fall asleep to Dawes' voice; he calls me on his way to work in the morning. There is constant communication.

    Communication has to be everything. How you feel, whether good or bad. Since you don't have physical proximity, it's important to repeat what feelings you have for a person. Say 'I love you' over and over. Tell them the things you'd like to do when you see them.

    Here's the key, though, I think to them: there has to be some hope of seeing each other. Without it, it's going to fail, because there's no room for change. Things become static and staticity (not a word, but I like it), even with proximity, kills relationships. I'm not saying you have to move whatever state they're in. In fact, when I move back, I'm moving into my parents house, about an hour and a half from him. But I will be close; I'll be able to hop in my car and see him at any point. Not all long distance relationships have to have that. They do have to have the hope of seeing one another.

    I wish you the best of luck. Time will tell and you'll figure out, but believe me. Long distance relationships do work with the time and effort put in equally by both people.

  7. #7


    As stated before, long distance relationships are extremely hard, especially if you've never even seen them face to face, or won't for a really long time. But a relationship is different for every single person, it may work out for you.

    on another note..

    I don't honestly like them. Back when me and my Ex-girlfriend were still dating, over the summer, she went to Hawaii for a month. Now generally I'm not the phone conversation type of guy (I can't stand phoneversations[not really a word but whatever] that last more than 15 minutes). She wanted to talk to me every waking moment of every day and I just wanted to do other things. It got a bit rocky after a while because I didn't have much to say over the phone because I was so morosely bored with talking to her every day.

    So to sum it up (in my opinion), long distance relationships don't really work if you want a lot of interaction, I know this may not be true to some people, but for me and some other people I know this has been the case. It's just something about the presence of a significant other in my opinion that makes it fun and fulfilling.

    On the other hand, my sister has been dating a guy since she was 18, and is now 20, and they're probably only in the same state 3 months total out of the year, but they're still together I guess, I don't really know the guy.

  8. #8


    You really need to meet this person sooner rather than later. There are a ton of things that you may or may not like about him in person that are not available to you on the phone. Let's say after meeting him you both hit it off and really like each other. I've been in several long distance relationships, but it depends on the term "long distance." As mentioned, you both should be committed to spending time connecting with each other over the phone or computer. However, sooner or later, you going to want to see each other on a regular basis and that means traveling often (expensive) or living closer together. My wife and I lived as much as three hours away even up to a few months after we were married (it's complicated, but it had to do with our chosen careers). We've been living together for many years and we are happily married, but it takes a lot of work even if your significant other is living just a few hours away. If you are both committed right now, look at this as your first step, but realize that there will be many more steps in the future.

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