Anyone that's read my stories or even just knows me knows that I really get a kick out of thinking about and examining all of the emotions that go into *Bism. I guess it's partly because I'm such an emotional person in general. But with *Bism it's so special because...*Bism holds its own unique brand of satisfaction, joy and peace that nothing else can give me...and it's also the kind of thing you can't really talk about with anyone outside of this community.
Now, most of the time when this comes up in conversation with other *B/DL's, it pretty much goes along the lines of "Yeah, it feels really nice and cuddly, and it helps me forget my stresses"...and that's about as far as the conversation goes. We don't really talk about the feelings and exactly what it is that we feel.
So I just woke up this morning feeling really cuddly, and as I was lying there in bed, I just started thinking about all of those special feelings and felt like sharing them. That's all this post is...I guess if I had a blog that a lot of people read I would post it there. But anyway...I'm just going to post my own, and if anyone wants to follow suit....then yay!
So anyway...the first thing that endlessly intrigues me about my *Bism is how I ADORE cute, babyish things, but can't stand babies. It's so interesting...babies ruin babyish things for me. So whenever around people with a baby/babies, I'm put into a weird spot...I'm so drawn to the cute babyish designs I see on the clothing, but I lose interest so quickly because the baby is there.
This is REALLY bad when people start adoring the baby...baby-talking it and comforting it and everything....because I'm so attracted to their actions, but the baby itself just ruins it. It creates this kind of jealousy that I have...I always like to joke with other *B's that I would be the perfect baby...I would be cute and cuddly and everything, but I wouldn't cry, wouldn't spit up, wouldn't make messes of everything...and even though I love the idea of being changed, I don't really get much out of wetting/messing diapers...so all of my diaper changes would be clean!
What's so funny about the whole thing is that of course when I was a baby I did all of those annoying baby things too, and it irritates me...especially because I want to be treated like I was at that time, but I don't really want to be a baby again, if that makes sense. I guess for me it would be perfect if I could be physically small again and maybe feel some of the helplessness of being a baby (like needing to be bottlefed), but that I would be able to control all of the bad things, like the annoying gibberish and making messes of things (I like the idea of crying, but just for the helplessness of it, not the sound itself...maybe mine would be a sort of whimper ).
So this whole idea fascinates me because....I get such a kick out of adults (well, the right ones ) being babied, and especially me being babied. But it has to be that combination...it has to be an adult who voluntarily acts like a baby (or who is forced to be like one against their will...but that's more of the sexual side). Of course, this is at its strongest when I'm the one being babied.
So here's what's even more interesting...I get these feeling the strongest when it's not only babyish things...but babyish things that are most like the babyish things I had as a baby. So it's weird...not only do I want to be treated like a baby, I want to be treated the same way I was back in 1983-1985...which are basically the same, but not exactly. But, I don't want to be like I was then. Very weird, eh?
But what exactly do I feel? Well, I think for me it's this unconditional love type thing. What I get most jealous about babies for is....they don't have to do ANYTHING to get all of this love and adoration. So I think that's what's so appealing about infantilism to me...you're completely loved for exactly who you are. You don't have to do anything to earn someone's love. That's what's so mind boggling around the whole parenting thing to me...it's insane to me how much parents, especially mothers, love their babies. I think I can get the general understanding of why...I think the feeling of taking care of something completely dependent upon you is very satisfying, and it makes you feel loved too. It's still funny though...sometimes I feel a strong feeling of love for my mom because I think about how she used to love me in that regard when I was this incontinent, screaming, drooling beast. :P
So I guess babies involuntarily return love by being so dependent...but that's all they do, and they're totally adored for it. And I think that's what's so strong about my AB feelings. I can cuddle my teddy bear and think about someone "aww"ing over me...loving me for just being me. I can feel completely safe and secure, but at the same time small and vulnerable.
That's why it's such a total turn off for me when people talk about the bad things about taking care of babies....like the crying and messy diapers. It completely takes anyway from that love and adoration. If I ever felt like me being babied would "annoy" someone...it would completely ruin the mood for me and I wouldn't enjoy it.
I think it's the same thing with diaper changes. They're so intimate, and to get your diaper changed...you have to give up control.
And that's such an interesting dynamic to me...who's the person who's at the disadvantage, the one changing the diaper or the one getting changed? The one being changed doesn't have to do any work...they're being taken care of while giving nothing in return. But...they have to give up their control and privacy to become completely vulnerable....something that most adults would never want to do, or at least not in that way. So, the diaper changer has the power over the "changee"...and if that's a power they like, the feeling of someone else being dependent upon them....then they're at the advantage.
So I guess a lot of this is connected to the whole domination/submission thing, which I won't go into....but it's just interesting to me to look at my own feelings of helplessness and my desire for it, because most people can't seem to relate to that. But I think when it boils down to the desire to feel completely safe and loved no matter how vulnerable you are....and how I probably have that desire in a way most non-*B/DL's do...it kind of makes sense. So maybe that's why I like analyzing my feelings so much...so I can explain it to others. It's nice to know there's a reasoning behind these feelings.
So that was pretty much just a long ramble about *B stuff....but it feels good for me to let this kind of stuff out. That's really the only point of this post.