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Thread: Is this really part of the social skill in conversations?

  1. #1

    Default Is this really part of the social skill in conversations?

    Every time I am in group conversations with more than one person, I usually get shut out. They don't respond to me, they ignore me and I basically have to shout to get their attention or keep on asking the same question over and over until they answer. I mean is this really how conversation really go, you ignore each other and shut each other out? Do you get so hyper focused in talking, you don't notice another person asking you a question when you pause? Then you yammer on again ignoring the question someone had asked you simply because you didn't hear the person?

    But my family doesn't do this to me, other people do. So I thought maybe this is a hidden rule in social skills, ignoring each other and shutting each other out in group conversations. It's rather rude I think so I rather not be in them and only prefer one and one.

    I just thought I'd ask it here since this is not an autism forum because maybe you know the answer to this. No one could answer it at the autism forum I go to so I assume they don't know.

  2. #2

    Default

    I see this happen a lot amongst my coworkers and acquaintances. Unless they really are trying to push you away, I think what is happening is similar to what you say. I dunno how you participate in conversations, but I generally try and think ahead to what I am going to say. I assume other people do this as well, so those of us who don't think quite as fast tend to get shut out. I mean, no one wants to say something that is either redundant, or irrelevant, so they get it out as fast as possible.

    I find that many people never learn the skill of listening. Yes, its a skill, and it can (must) be learned. Maybe try and take a step back from the conversation, and you'll notice that some people never really say anything, they just make noise. I don't think that people do it on purpose, it's just the way society trains us nowadays. With text messaging, voice mail, IM, IRC and all the other methods of communications the skill of conversation is being lost to us.

  3. #3

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    I would think it depends on the conversation, the people talking (and your relationship with them) and how you are attempting to participate. In general, if you are listening to others and, therefore, you are participating and you have their attention, then no, what you are describing is not normally a part of group conversations.

    It sounds like in your case, people that know you well enough allow you to participate and others don't seem to. In the latter case, it usually takes patience to listen first and then appropriately add something to the conversation. People who are really good at that will eventually attract others to themselves have them listening to everything they say.

  4. #4
    Mako

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    If it's in a text chat, then the issue may be that the question doesn't strike anyones fancy enough to answer or break from their current line of speech with another user. Also if the room is extremely busy, it may be difficult to notice you as people are trying to keep track of a conversation strain already in progress.

    You have to make yourself noticeable and welcomed in a chat.

  5. #5

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    It all depends on your social skills and who you're talking too. I'm generally a talkative person, but I've noticed that if someone louder and funnier than me gets in on the conversation, than I can't get a word in edge-wise. It's frustrating because then I'm just sitting there, listening to the person talk on and on.

    I've got no advice for you though. This happens to me pretty rarely, so I just wait them out.

  6. #6

    Default

    I dunno, when I'm involved in a conversation with a few people, I'll say something when I feel I should, but otherwise I don't much care. Talking is nice, but when it's casual talking, people like to focus on themselves. If somebody wants to tell me and others about stuff they do, then that's dandy, and I'll listen. But I'm not into trying to talk to three people at once trying to make stuff that only I genuinely care about over everyone else. If I'm having a solid discussion about something, then it's different, but casual talk, whatever. I like to hear myself talk, but other people don't. I know that kinda sounds like I have a pretty bleak look on society, but next time you're having a conversation just try and see how a person focuses it around themselves. Solid example being that this entire paragraph was about me.

    But as for your case man, I'm pretty sure there's no secret social trick to getting noticed. Be interesting, be patient and if people aren't into talking to you then don't even bother with them I guess. Wasting your time or something. But if you're just finding it tough to participate in a conversation, all I can say is make yourself noticable by bringing something interesting or worthwhile to the conversation. Alternative option is that if you're talking and getting ignored, you could just go off about something random, like "oh hey guys, last night I stapled some bacon to face and went to the roller disco with the grinch". Keep going on like that, and when they finally do clue in maybe they'll be slightly interested in what you're saying. Now that's advice.

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Mako View Post
    If it's in a text chat, then the issue may be that the question doesn't strike anyones fancy enough to answer or break from their current line of speech with another user. Also if the room is extremely busy, it may be difficult to notice you as people are trying to keep track of a conversation strain already in progress.

    You have to make yourself noticeable and welcomed in a chat.

    This is real life I'm talking about. But yeah it is frustrating when people don't answer my PMs when I have asked them something. In fact I tried to strike up a PM convo with someone here, he never replied back after he responded once to me. Mmmm. He has been coming here lately.

  8. #8
    Xboxbaby

    Default

    I would think that it has to do the people you are conversing with. If you are in a group most likely there will be people who are able to talk with each other easier or more interested in what specific people have to say. I know when I am talking in a group I usually focus talking to 1 person instead of the whole group.

  9. #9
    Mesmerale

    Default

    This sounds a lot like it has something to do with our ability as a species to pay attention to multiple things.

    Our brains (for the most part) aren't equipped with the ability to multi-task very well. We can't focus on two or three things (especially ideas) at once, because focusing is how we facilitate memory. When a person is engaged in a conversation with another person, it will be extremely difficult for them to pay attention to the things, events, or people around them, even if it started out as a group conversation.

    This is why two people will always interrupt each other in a conversation when one of them has a sudden idea. If the person tries to wait and keep listening to what the other person is saying, then the first person will forget what he/she was going to say. We simply have too much trouble focusing on two things at once.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dcviper View Post
    I see this happen a lot amongst my coworkers and acquaintances. Unless they really are trying to push you away, I think what is happening is similar to what you say. I dunno how you participate in conversations, but I generally try and think ahead to what I am going to say. I assume other people do this as well, so those of us who don't think quite as fast tend to get shut out. I mean, no one wants to say something that is either redundant, or irrelevant, so they get it out as fast as possible.

    I find that many people never learn the skill of listening. Yes, its a skill, and it can (must) be learned. Maybe try and take a step back from the conversation, and you'll notice that some people never really say anything, they just make noise. I don't think that people do it on purpose, it's just the way society trains us nowadays. With text messaging, voice mail, IM, IRC and all the other methods of communications the skill of conversation is being lost to us.
    Bingo. Viper hit it on the head. Listening is a skill that doesn't get near enough attention, except in sales training. The most successful salespeople do it, and do it well. Listening does two things in a sales situation:

    1. It makes the prospect,ie, the talker, feel important.
    2. Most talkers will reveal their hotbuttons and potential objections with only the occasional prod in the right direction. Makes closing a sale much easier.

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