I, like most people here, have been striving to find a balance--to somehow manage to integrate my life and my interest in wearing diapers.
I've spent the greater part of my life, so far, believing that moderation and restriction would help me to find balance in my life. For example, I would only allow myself to wear (not use) diapers to bed--nothing more.However, I have been trying out those methods for several years and I have yet to find any sense of balance.
Thus, I've decided to try wearing 24/7, and I have spent more than two weeks in diapers thus far. I've been writing my thoughts in a journal and carefully monitoring my emotions during this time, and I feel like I would still like to continue wearing 24/7.
However, I suppose I might want to clarify what I feel would be a sense of balance--especially considering that many people here would be up in arms about someone who actually enjoys 24/7 behavior and may be associated with one of those creepy exhibitionist people.
Well, for one thing, I strongly desire to keep this discrete. I find no value or pleasure in shoving diapers in people's faces. I also do not desire to wear babyish clothing; that was a phase of my life that ended a long time ago, and would have fallen into the "exhibitionist" category.
In my terms, balance would be integrating these "desires" successfully into my lifestyle. From past experience, treating diaper-wearing as an end-of-the-day "treat" did not equate to any sense of balance, because I felt like I was living two entirely separate lives. Often, the distress of having to hide this other "precious" side of myself, caused anxiety that strongly bothered me.
I consider wearing diapers 24/7, so that I will not have to maintain a veil between two separate lives. If I become incontinent, then so be it. I feel that wearing diapers is a part of who I am, and who I see myself becoming. Not only does incontinence seem to offer the safest way to express this part of my personality, but wearing diapers 24/7 also helps me to stabilize my mood throughout the day and night by decreasing the strength of the desire for diapers.
Honestly, I don't seek to increase the enjoyment of diapers; I've been there, and I've decided that I would prefer to have stability. I like to wear them, and I feel satisfied-enough to know that I can wear them without putting myself on an emotional roller-coaster.
Aside from that, wearing diapers has pushed me to grow on several new personal levels. Ironically, I've actually become more confident, socially, because wearing diapers around others has given me the opportunity to identify and understand counter-productive aspects of my ego that had otherwise existed below the surface (aspects which have, for years, hurt my self-esteem), and which had severely limited my ability to socialize with others--but don't interpret this as to say that I cannot socialize without wearing diapers. Regardless of whether or not I wear diapers, I will continue to change and grow as a human being.
When I resolve those personal challenges, I might anticipate that the desire to wear diapers will resolve completely--at which point I may choose to toilet-train myself again. However, it is more-likely that the desire will persist--even if only marginally.
I figured-out, not too long ago, that I would be wearing diapers for the rest of my life--because I would constantly be attracted to them and would have to fulfill that need, however frequently. Choosing to embrace diapers, rather than to hide them, has made a world of a difference. The pros of 24/7 diaper-wearing far outweigh the cons, so I see every reason to continue living in such a way.
Maybe, I don't need an opinion on how to embrace incontinence. It seems pretty obvious, from reading my own words, that I would like it. However, I would greatly appreciate an opinion on how to deal with family who know (or will know) about it.
My parents know I want to wear diapers, and they know I want to become incontinent. Of course, they don't approve of it: they don't like the thought of me being in diapers again (unsanitary conditions, work put into toilet-training rendered pointless, etc...), and because they are worried it could ruin my social life. This last one, however, was redundant, considering that I've not ever had a good social life to begin with--and especially considering that my social life has actually improved with the addition of diapers.
So, before I can let down my final mental barriers, I will need to resolve this with them. Though I am an adult, they refuse to let me wear diapers around them--which means if an agreement is not reached.......things might get rough. I love my parents, and I don't want them to leave me. However, I also absolutely refuse to continue living an unbalanced and secretive life.
I am not sure how to approach this, at all. Maybe, if I can show them that my life has actually improved during incontinence, then they might approve of me (and an immediate example would be my social life). Of course, my understanding of my own parents/family will be far superior to anyone else's, but it would still be helpful to see my situation from a different perspective. In the very least, I could emerge more optimistic.
Does anybody have any sage advice to offer me, as I travel this path?
And on another note, I have a concerning medical question.
Night-incontinence should not begin to happen for several months...but I've already begun to experience it (after three weeks). Last night, for example, I tried going to bed without wearing a diaper--but I woke up wet in the middle of the night and had to change-out the sheets. I think I ought to consider seeing a doctor, just in case this turns out to be something unrelated to wearing diapers 24/7. However, I have a feeling it is strongly tied to 24/7 behavior, because I have worn diapers at night for years without using them (and wanting to), and I have finally given myself the permission to start wetting them; it is as if I have finally dropped into a mold that was constructed as the result of spending years of being kept separate from my desires.
Regardless, might it be a good idea to check with a urologist? Thank you.