I did a little lurking here this evening and decided I might like trying to communicate with a few "normal" AB's.
I am 48 and have had quite a history around this issue. But before explaining that, I wanted to share some other things.
I was born with severe scoliosis and a severe club foot. I am also an identical twin, but was first born,(bottom of the womb) that was probably the contributing factor because my brother is fine. I have had 24 corrective surgeries in my life, starting at six months of age. Once I started school I was wearing a leg and back brace. Kids treated me terribly. Older kids came up behind me, grabbed the bars on the back brace, picked me up and shook me then through me to the ground. That, plus all the verible assults led to ulcers by the second grade.
I share all this because I can remember at about 3 years of age wanting my mom to diaper me after she finished diapering my younger sister for bed. My brother and I were also a little slow on potty training and when an accident occured mom would diaper us for the rest of the day. There were times I had accidents on purpose, but a few times when I didn't that led to some shame in having to go out in public at age 5 wearing a diaper. Yet the regression became a servival tool for me with all that was happening at school.
Until I graduated and left home my mom would find diapers at different times, about every 2-3 months, and her response was always the same. She'd ask me why I was doing this and all I could do was shrug my shoulders. Then she said that next time she would tell dad and that I would have to see a pyschiatrist, but she never followed through.
When I was 13 I had the first two of seven back surgeries. The week between the two I was heavily sedated with a cathater. One night the nurse was turning me and got tangled with it and it was violently yanked out. I still remember the pain even through the sedation. This led to severe scar tissue developing over the next few years with bladder spasms and continence issues. This made it very confusing for me in that I liked diapers, but at night I'd use towels to protect the bed, and if wet put them in the laundry and mom didn't ever notice. I was to ashamed to talk to mom or dad about this problem.
I went on and got married. I explained the continence problem to my wife, but not the AB thing as I thought I was the only person in the world with this very weird and strange behavior. I remember my 21st birthday, and that night crying in my car, by myself, that I had this strange need.
In 1993 I came home from work and my wife said she saw the Donahue show about AB/DL's and told me how bizarre and weird it was. She asked me if that was what I was. By now our marriage was a mess, but I totally denied it because I didn't know what she had seen.
Within a few months I had my first computer and internet. What I initially discovered totally disgusted me!!! My AB issues were very private and I couldn't believe people behaved this way. Yet I was excited because I was no longer technically alone.
My career was a corporate pilot. Yet at this time I was recovering from an extensive leg lengthening surgery that was very painful. I had always been prone to depressive episodes, but was always able to work. But one day I left my wife a note telling her in detail what I just shared here. She called my pastor/friend to tell him with the sole purpose to humiliate me. He was understanding, but as the months went by trying to understand the AB side of me and becoming more depressed I went into a Christian mental facility to get "help." Big mistake! They labled the behavior as strictly a sexual addiction, told my wife, and when I got home my pastor and support people expected me to pursue SA counciling. Of course I had many "relapses" and much, much shame. I forgot to mention that while in the hospital I was strongly encouraged to take prozac for the depression and SA. This would mean I would have to give up my career, or my wife said if I didn't it would end the marriage. Long and short of it was that I lost both by 1998!
My world collapsed until 2007 when I finally started coming out of a suicidal depression. Then in July 2008 I got a great job training jet pilots in simulators. My life was finally on track until March when the economy forced me to be laid off.
So tonight I am surfing on the net, looking at a few AB sites and feeling ashamed about it and I find this. I am not sure what to expect from this forum, but I will give it a try for awhile.
Sorry for the long intro, guess I needed to get some of this off my chest.