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Thread: Non Fetish needs help.

  1. #1

    Default Non Fetish needs help.

    For lack of a better thread to put this post on I made one. Thank you. :-)

    Oh boy -- after reading some of these posts I must admit I’m a bit scared and here’s why:

    My boyfriend along with several other friends play WoW [World of Warcraft] and have been for 4+ years now. Getting bored of WoW we all decided we’d give Second Life a try after having heard a few good things about the game. After I d/l and installed the game and spending about 15 minutes there I decided Second Life was just not for me. In Second Life it appears that you have to get a ‘virtual’ job to buy player ‘crafted’ items. Having a real job, the idea of logging into a game to a virtual job did not appeal to me. I uninstalled as did several other of our friends and we went back to WoW. My boyfriend on the other hand -- now he was a different story.

    We have been together for 3+ years now with plans to get married this December and have up to this point been most honest with each other keeping the lines of communication open.

    To be honest I did not realize the extent of how much he liked the game [Second Life] until I checked his personal email which we do often. He checks mine I check his ---- it’s a trust issue with us as we both agreed to allow the other full access to each other’s email.

    Well ---- I saw that he had several [8+] emails all from Second life. Apparently when and if you log out of the game and you had private messages from friends on your friend list the messages would be sent to your email. The messages were similar to this:

    “awwww--- where did you go? Me miss you so much.’
    “where are you? I NEED you?”
    “kisses and huuuuuugggss”

    Okay --- I admit when I saw those type messages in his emails I was floored. It also dawned on me the extent of time he spent played Second Life. Don’t get me wrong here. We don’t always have to play the same game. But we have both always agreed that trust is a major issue with us both.

    He was at work at the time I saw these emails and needless to say I was quite upset. I started doing some research on Second Life and what I personally saw was not pretty. Any fetish out there could be fulfilled in this game by someone. I found that there was a ton of sexual activities as well as socialization etc. I wasn’t so worried about the game itself as I was about the messages sent. I do know that if and when he logged into my games [We share our passwords with each other] and if someone he did not know sent me a ‘Hug’ or whatever he [boyfriend] would tell me that makes him feel ‘uncomfortable’ so playful flirting was not acceptable with either of us.

    Long story short he played the game for 6 days until, with his permission, I cancelled the account and uninstalled the game. After sharing with him my research he totally agreed with me and said that I was more important to him any day than any game by all means uninstall.

    Okay --- here is where it all gets either bizarre or very interesting. Sorry for taking the long route but I needed to backtrack as to how this all came about.

    Having a psychology degree from a major university I talked to him about the game trying to figure out what it was that made him deny playing it [He had previously told me he uninstalled it]. My concern was that perhaps he was insecure and maybe the game was filling some sort of ‘void.’ Like I stated previously trust is a major issue with the both of us and he had been straight up lying to me for 6 days about the game.

    Yesterday was the day I uninstalled the game and afterwards we talked. He asked me something once a long time ago about how would I feel if I found out I had a friend who loved to wear diapers. I told him straight up that day that I didn’t think I could no longer be friends with that person as the fetish seemed a bit odd. I have studied Fetishism and it is classified as a disorder. I also told him I had to wonder what kind of pain one had to have suffered in one’s lifetime [at some point] to develop such disorder. To even think another experienced severe emotional pain just literally kills me inside. Off subject here for a second: My mom states I will never make it as a Psychologist because I care too much. She is right. Back to subject: Well ----- when he reminded me of the conversation he told me that ‘friend’ he was speaking of that day was him. He told me that he loves to wear diapers. If you could have seen his face yesterday, you the reader with me would see how hard it was for him to tell me. He stated that he never could find the ‘balls’ to tell me because he tried once and he was so sure as well as scared that I’d leave him. He also stated that he was willing to give up his ‘fetish’ and live without it for me. Funny thing is when he finally told me it really didn’t surprise me given his back ground with his relationship with his mother. He was an adopted child and never felt like he belonged anywhere. He has always told me that when he found me he found a reason to live etc and that I was his ‘savior.’

    Long story short again I told him that him loving to‘wear diapers’ was ‘workable’ and would be no problem though it would be something I would have to get used to. Here, it gets a bit more bizarre. Since he sees that I have taken this secret well he tells me that he also likes enemas as well. He stated that wearing diapers along with the enema thingy gets him an erection like none other. He did state these 2 fetishes along with me were like ‘Pumpkin Pie’ with me being the pie and the fetishes being the icing on the cake per say scenario. He also told me how ‘relieved he was’ and how much he loved me as he was just sure I would leave him after telling me. I assured him I would not leave him as we are ‘for better or worse.’ He stated that though he did not participate in ‘virtual sex’ the game did allow him access with other diaper lovers. I told him straight up if he ever went to Second Life again I’d leave him. As harsh as that seems I have me to think about as well as my feelings and be it be ‘virtual sex’ that is a form of cheating in both our books. He agreed.

    Okay so having accepted his fetishes I’m having some things going on with me. I told him that though I accept his fetishes I just wasn’t quite sure how or what to do as I have studied this a lot but never really knew anyone who had a real per say fetish. He [boyfriend] has not 1 but 2.

    So now I’m basically struggling. We never had any issues before within our current sex life and it’s all been good but I’m struggling. I’m concerned for when we have children. I don’t want him sitting around in diapers to the extent the children see him. That is when we have them. I’m struggling that he may be get erections due to diapers and not me. I mean I feel like I’m competing with a friggin diaper now. I’m also struggling with the personal emotional issues he has had in his past and will those issues manifest later? My concern isn’t so much I suppose the diaper thing ---- that’s workable as well as the enema thingy I guess -- I guess my real concern is what happened that got him to this point of his fetishes and could the fetishes become a problem in later life keeping into consideration his past emotional problems.

    I’m so sorry to have ‘long-winded’ this. But I found this forum and decided to take the chance. Perhaps someone could shed some light so I can now begin to feel better. I can’t tell him I feel bad because I know how hard it was for him to tell me. But I have feelings and concerns as well.

    One last thing: Though fetishes are considered a disorder I would never even hint at any fetish being a mental disorder. Each case is unique as well as we are all individual. As long as any fetish does not harm that one or any other then there is no problem. I’m certainly not here to talk down to those with fetishes. As I stated we are all unique and if everyone were like me then life would be rather boring. I did have to reevaluate myself when I told my boyfriend when he tried to tell me before about his fetish and I told him it was ‘odd.’ Having since reconsidered I have learned something about myself and yeah --- I did the unthinkable I thought I’d never do. I discriminated about AB/DL and that was wrong of me to not take their feelings and uniqueness into consideration. But as I stated I have feelings and concerns as well.

  2. #2

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    Wow, Sara that's a long post. I'm not sure how many people are going to be able to read all the way through it. Maybe you could condense the important points into one paragraph as a kinda synopsis? I'm not sure how the game fits into him having a diaper fettish. It was wrong of him to lie to you, but maybe he felt... I dunno... intimidated by you. You seemed to be very against this game, but perhaps he was worried you wouldn't want to let him keep playing.

    In his defense...I'm not sure someone flippantly saying 'hugs and kisses' is really having cyber sex. I know people (hell I do it myself sometimes) that kiss people theyve just met. It doesn't mean there's anything sexual going on.

    I'd really recommend you take a step back, and work what what you're asking in this post, and what you want from your boyfriend.

    You can tell him how you'd prefer things to be, but at the end of the day, you can't keep him on a leash, and that's something almost all girls will testify for, probably from personal experience.

  3. #3

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    Man thats a long intro post.

    With you being a psychology major, most peopple here are probably scared of you.

    Uhh, I;m not quite sure what exactly you hope we can tell you or what you want to know about, but I can say that, as far as him wearing diapers around your kids, I wouldn't think that would happen.

    I personally have a pacifier fetish, and, as wierd as it is, they are more of a kind of additional turn on for me. Like, for me a girl sucking a pacifier is better than a girl wearing lingerie. Though you must remember that doesn't mean Im not attracted to the girl. I guess Im trying to say dont feel llike you have to compete with a diaper, because to your boyfriend it is just like lingerie or a schoolgirl outfit.

    That being the case, it should be confined to the bedroom, therefor never coming into contact with anyone else, especially not your kids.

    I'm pretty sure that this kind of thing is usually caused by some kind of trauma in the formative years, and if your boyfriend hasn't already dealt with it, it will probably come up some time down the track. I think a lot of the members here have had things happen to them, so it's a fairly good bet your boyfriend is the same.

  4. #4

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    babydia: Thank you for your response and yes. I did get long winded and being in research we tend to get that way often. As for your remark "could you please leave?" Sure not a problem to unregister. I found this site and figured AB/DL could help me understand this from that one's perspective.

    For all others who took the time to respond I thank you as well. This will work its way out as all things in life do and my issue is no different from any others. I have the upmost respect for everyone uniqueness.

    Thank you again and babydia? I hope no one ever discriminates against you as you did to me [long-winded]. Have a nice day. :-)

  5. #5
    Mesmerale

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    I really hope that you didn't read her entire post, because if you did and are still asking her to leave, I can't even begin to imagine what kind of thought process you have.

    She's asking us for help. She's trying to understand her boyfriend and work things out, and you're asking her to leave because she hasn't told us anything about her? It's clear that she isn't an AB. She is coming to us because she wants our advice, nothing more. As a Support Community, we should be trying to help.

    And if you don't feel that she deserves our help, then try to help her boyfriend. Even if it's helping indirectly, by helping to solve her problems, we are helping a fellow *B.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    To the original poster:

    I've read your post roughly 1.5 times now. I'm going to read it over more carefully, pick it apart, and give you a very detailed answer. It may take me a bit of time though, so bear with me.

    (For the record, I plan on ignoring the posts of others, so if some (or all) of what I say is repeated / said before I post it, please forgive me.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    babydia: Thank you for your response and yes. I did get long winded and being in research we tend to get that way often. As for your remark "could you please leave?" Sure not a problem to unregister. I found this site and figured AB/DL could help me understand this from that one's perspective.

    For all others who took the time to respond I thank you as well. This will work its way out as all things in life do and my issue is no different from any others. I have the upmost respect for everyone uniqueness.

    Thank you again and babydia? I hope no one ever discriminates against you as you did to me [long-winded]. Have a nice day. :-)

    I'm sorry, I didnt mean to make you leave, after reading your post, I was lost and confused. Part of your post did not make any sense to me, and I was unsure what you were getting at. As I looked further at other posts, it started to make sense to me. I appologize and will delete the other post

  7. #7

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    Wow, you must be in shock right now... but more importantly you have done the right thing - not recoiling in horror and demanding he give up his fetish as he offered to do. I really commend for deciding to do some research on the topic beyond that you learnt about in your psych studies.

    I can not speak much about the diaper fetish side of things specifically as that is not where my AB interests lie. I do however know a lot about fetishes in general. Having a whole host of my own unrelated to diapers. Some people may consider diapers to be a pretty extreme fetish, but it is just a fetish like any other.

    Some rhetorical questions may help you sort through your reactions and emotions during this time of adjusting to your new found knowledge. These questions are for you to answer for yourself -I am not asking you to share your answers.

    How would you have reacted if he had told you that he has a fetish for women wearing high heels?
    How would you have reacted if he said that he had a fetish for vibrators or leather or lace or g-strings?
    Has your sex life with him ever been lacking? Has he ever been unable to get an erection over you?
    Why are you having this reaction? What does it touch on for you? Are you feeling insecure?


    A fetish is a fetish regardless of what the object of the fetish may be. It is only a disorder if it interferes or negatively effects someones life. Kinda think about it like sex vs nymphomania. A fetish in of its self is not a disorder any more then liking sex is nymphomania. :-)

    If it has not interfered with your lives until now, with the appropriate discussions in place it will not start to interfere now. Assuming he is an otherwise reasonable, normal level headed guy, he is not going to sit around in diapers in front of the children any more then he is likely to preform any other sexual act in front of them. If he has been able to contain and keep his fetish from you for this long I have every confidence he will be able to continue to do so in situations where it would be inappropriate to disclose.

    Much the same as the past emotional problems, they are likely not going to pose any further or additional problems then they may already do. They may or may not surface later - but that is independent of his diaper fetish - just because he has now told you about it doesn't mean he is any different from yesterday (or whatever day) when he told you about it.

    Your not "competing with a friggin diaper now" any more they you were yesterday... And whatever lead to him having this fetish may or may not have anything to do with his childhood etc, but you will need to explore that with him later down the track. Keep in mind though, exploring why, is not necessarily going to change the situation.

    In the mean time, keep doing what your doing, asking questions, keeping an open mind and communicate with your partner.

    Good Luck.

  8. #8

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    I think it might be best to pretend that you don't have a background in psychology, and deal with the situation as a 'normal' person.

    I say this because I think you're at risk of seeing your boyfriend as somebody with a disorder instead of as a person. I just get that vibe from the post.

    This sticks out: "I have studied Fetishism and it is classified as a disorder. I also told him I had to wonder what kind of pain one had to have suffered in one’s lifetime [at some point] to develop such disorder. To even think another experienced severe emotional pain just literally kills me inside."

    I, and many other people on this site, have got fetishes and have not had "severe emotional pain". I always thought that this was some psychology myth; that fetishes are always caused by terrible past events.

    I wouldn't get caught up in thinking of his fetish as being a negative thing, or the product of a negative thing. It really can be a positive thing.

    "I’m concerned for when we have children. I don’t want him sitting around in diapers to the extent the children see him. That is when we have them."

    I wouldn't worry about this! No good parent would expose their fetish to their children. Having a fetish doesn't suddenly make him irrational!

    "I’m struggling that he may be get erections due to diapers and not me. I mean I feel like I’m competing with a friggin diaper now."

    I guess you just need to talk to him, and make sure you're sexually satisfied too. He's already said the fetishes are the icing on the cake, so he must understand your concern. Just be sure to voice any concerns as soon as they come up.

    "I’m also struggling with the personal emotional issues he has had in his past and will those issues manifest later?"

    Emotional issues? If these are issues that you're assuming he has (if so, see what I said above), if not then I guess having a fetish has no real affect on that.

    "My concern isn’t so much I suppose the diaper thing ---- that’s workable as well as the enema thingy I guess -- I guess my real concern is what happened that got him to this point of his fetishes and could the fetishes become a problem in later life keeping into consideration his past emotional problems."

    I really don't think this will be a problem. I think your problem is one you're creating for yourself. I don't think there's any good reason to think that people with fetishes will have problems later in life. I'm sure others here will testify.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    babydia: ... As for your remark "could you please leave?" ...
    Ok, that's not what she said now. She said 'if you're only here to make one post and then never post again, could you please leave' and that's a bit of a difference.

    You came here for help, and you will get it if you ask us. Maybe not that much help, because a lot of us are lazy and don't want to read that much, but some help all the same.

    First of all, go read our wiki. Lots of it. Just read and read and read until you can't read anymore.

    Then come back with some specific questions and we'll help you.

    Also, as an addition, I found out my boyf was an AB this time last year, and I came here and... well I'm still here. This is a great community, and I'm really sorry your first post has been slated. But I want you to give us another chance. Not because we're desperate for members, or because I'm worried you'll spread bad rumours around the internet and give us a bad reputation, but because you owe it to your boyfriend to at least try to be understanding, and this is one of the best ways of finding out more.

  10. #10
    Mesmerale

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    Sarasmiles, in the following responses, I am going to treat you like an idiot. As you've emphasized in your post, I know very well that you've studied psychology, and I have no doubt that your age exceeds mine. But, because you've asked for our help, I'm giving it to you in the most direct way that I possibly can. In doing so, it may seem that I am assuming that you are ignorant, or that I have some level of authority over how you should feel. I would like to tell you know that I am not trying to be so controlling. I am merely, as stated, giving you advice in the most direct way that I can.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    For lack of a better thread to put this post on I made one. Thank you. :-)

    Oh boy -- after reading some of these posts I must admit I’m a bit scared and here’s why:

    My boyfriend along with several other friends play WoW [World of Warcraft] and have been for 4+ years now. Getting bored of WoW we all decided we’d give Second Life a try after having heard a few good things about the game. After I d/l and installed the game and spending about 15 minutes there I decided Second Life was just not for me. In Second Life it appears that you have to get a ‘virtual’ job to buy player ‘crafted’ items. Having a real job, the idea of logging into a game to a virtual job did not appeal to me. I uninstalled as did several other of our friends and we went back to WoW. My boyfriend on the other hand -- now he was a different story.
    I'll start off by saying that I've been involved in Second Life, and I know very well what it can involve.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    We have been together for 3+ years now with plans to get married this December and have up to this point been most honest with each other keeping the lines of communication open.

    To be honest I did not realize the extent of how much he liked the game [Second Life] until I checked his personal email which we do often. He checks mine I check his ---- it’s a trust issue with us as we both agreed to allow the other full access to each other’s email.
    As you're considering how he was hiding something from you, think about this..

    You've stated that you've both agreed to trust each other, and grant each other full access to each other's email. Being well aware of the possibility of you checking his email, don't you find it odd that he wouldn't deactivate the function which would send such messages to his email?

    To me, it indicates that he was acting without thinking ahead. He wasn't fully aware of what he was doing, nor was he fully aware of the implications of his actions. He was acting off of instinct, fear, and suppressed desire.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    Well ---- I saw that he had several [8+] emails all from Second life. Apparently when and if you log out of the game and you had private messages from friends on your friend list the messages would be sent to your email. The messages were similar to this:

    “awwww--- where did you go? Me miss you so much.’
    “where are you? I NEED you?”
    “kisses and huuuuuugggss”

    Okay --- I admit when I saw those type messages in his emails I was floored. It also dawned on me the extent of time he spent played Second Life. Don’t get me wrong here. We don’t always have to play the same game. But we have both always agreed that trust is a major issue with us both.
    I would like to reassure you right now. I highly doubt that he was participating in any "virtual sex". I do find it very likely that he was being friendly, as I'm sure he can be in real life (Friendliness usually being a desirable personality trait in a significant other), and as a result he made friends.

    Now, speaking from experience, people act very differently online than they do in real life. I'm sure the people who had been sending him those messages were speaking as friends. While online, people tend to be much more affectionate than they are in real life. If you were to observe the members of this site for a week, you would find that the majority of our interaction is in the form of hugs, kisses, tackles, and snuggling.

    To further support this claim, he was on the site to meet other people with a similar fetish as his own. The people he was interacting with already shared a common interest. Furthermore, this interest is one that is commonly associated with infantile behavior. Taking that into account, it doesn't seem odd that the people he has been talking to are overly affectionate.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    He was at work at the time I saw these emails and needless to say I was quite upset. I started doing some research on Second Life and what I personally saw was not pretty. Any fetish out there could be fulfilled in this game by someone. I found that there was a ton of sexual activities as well as socialization etc. I wasn’t so worried about the game itself as I was about the messages sent. I do know that if and when he logged into my games [We share our passwords with each other] and if someone he did not know sent me a ‘Hug’ or whatever he [boyfriend] would tell me that makes him feel ‘uncomfortable’ so playful flirting was not acceptable with either of us.
    As I said earlier, I'm well aware of what Second Life can offer, and you're absolutely right. It is possible to engage in a myriad of sexual acts in the world of Second Life, but the primary function is, as you also mentioned, socialization. Even if he was located in the more "sexual" parts of the world, since he's already told you he wasn't doing anything sexual, it's very likely that he was there because of the diaper fetish aspect itself. He wanted to meet people who had the same fetish as him, and that was the only place in Second Life that he could go to meet those people. But, once he met them, he probably talked to them privately, rather than engaging in such "sexual" activities.

    This is a world that has been opened up to him in a very sudden way. Can you blame him for wanting to talk to people? He's been suppressing this for so long, he felt that he couldn't share it with you - he needed an outlet, someone (or some people) to talk to.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    Long story short he played the game for 6 days until, with his permission, I cancelled the account and uninstalled the game. After sharing with him my research he totally agreed with me and said that I was more important to him any day than any game by all means uninstall.
    This simply emphasizes how much you mean to him. No matter how confused you are, do not doubt his commitment to you, and do not even begin to think that anything he is interested in is replacing you. Those fears simply aren't true. Do not let trivial (and furthermore, false) accusations and worries make this any worse than it needs to be.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    Okay --- here is where it all gets either bizarre or very interesting. Sorry for taking the long route but I needed to backtrack as to how this all came about.

    Having a psychology degree from a major university I talked to him about the game trying to figure out what it was that made him deny playing it [He had previously told me he uninstalled it]. My concern was that perhaps he was insecure and maybe the game was filling some sort of ‘void.’ Like I stated previously trust is a major issue with the both of us and he had been straight up lying to me for 6 days about the game.
    As I'm sure you now know, he was most likely hiding his use of the game from you because of why he was playing it. He was afraid that you would leave him if you ever found out about his interests. Because Second Life was a world that he had devoted to those interests, it's only natural that he wanted to hide it from you.

    But as I said, you probably already know that now.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    Yesterday was the day I uninstalled the game and afterwards we talked. He asked me something once a long time ago about how would I feel if I found out I had a friend who loved to wear diapers. I told him straight up that day that I didn’t think I could no longer be friends with that person as the fetish seemed a bit odd. I have studied Fetishism and it is classified as a disorder. I also told him I had to wonder what kind of pain one had to have suffered in one’s lifetime [at some point] to develop such disorder. To even think another experienced severe emotional pain just literally kills me inside.
    After hearing you speak like this in regard to a fetish that he had, how could he possibly consider telling you? He must have suppressed it all that time, trying to make it go away, but (as the majority of us here know very well) it wouldn't leave him. The pain that he must have felt should touch anyone who hears of his struggles.

    After having (essentially, in his mind) told him that you would leave him if he had such a fetish, and furthermore went on to suggest that the only source of such a fetish was a life of pain and suffering*, it should be no surprise to you that he would go to such lengths to keep this from you. And, as he struggled to suppress these desire, and fight with himself, it should also come as no surprise that he would eventually stop thinking entirely rationally about the situation, and make such mistakes. As a result of his struggling, it is also very possible that he lost sight of what is "flirting" and what was just being friendly.

    While on Second Life, he was told good things in association with his fetish. While in a world devoted to his fetish, he was being treated kindly. After so much fear of being left for the same fetish, it is no surprise to me that he would accept any sort of compliment that he could get, even if it was a little too affectionate for what you've both agreed to avoid.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    Off subject here for a second: My mom states I will never make it as a Psychologist because I care too much. She is right. Back to subject: Well ----- when he reminded me of the conversation he told me that ‘friend’ he was speaking of that day was him. He told me that he loves to wear diapers. If you could have seen his face yesterday, you the reader with me would see how hard it was for him to tell me. He stated that he never could find the ‘balls’ to tell me because he tried once and he was so sure as well as scared that I’d leave him. He also stated that he was willing to give up his ‘fetish’ and live without it for me. Funny thing is when he finally told me it really didn’t surprise me given his back ground with his relationship with his mother. He was an adopted child and never felt like he belonged anywhere. He has always told me that when he found me he found a reason to live etc and that I was his ‘savior.’
    This further verifies his devotion to you. I must further stress that you keep this devotion in mind as you work to sort out these issues.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    Long story short again I told him that him loving to‘wear diapers’ was ‘workable’ and would be no problem though it would be something I would have to get used to. Here, it gets a bit more bizarre. Since he sees that I have taken this secret well he tells me that he also likes enemas as well. He stated that wearing diapers along with the enema thingy gets him an erection like none other. He did state these 2 fetishes along with me were like ‘Pumpkin Pie’ with me being the pie and the fetishes being the icing on the cake per say scenario. He also told me how ‘relieved he was’ and how much he loved me as he was just sure I would leave him after telling me. I assured him I would not leave him as we are ‘for better or worse.’ He stated that though he did not participate in ‘virtual sex’ the game did allow him access with other diaper lovers. I told him straight up if he ever went to Second Life again I’d leave him. As harsh as that seems I have me to think about as well as my feelings and be it be ‘virtual sex’ that is a form of cheating in both our books. He agreed.
    I really don't find it to be any more bizarre that he would begin to tell you more about his fetishes. He just told you his deepest, darkest one, and you didn't leave him. While being faced with such a wave or relief, combined with the guilt of having hidden these fetishes from you for so long, it is natural (in my view) that he would be eager to tell you more of the truth, and come to hide less and less between the two of you. He wants to be honest, so let him, and don't give in any reason to shy away from such honesty.

    Secondly, I don't agree with how you separated him from Second Life. For one thing, it's contradicting. You've told him that you can accept him and his fetishes, and you can work it out with him, and then you proceed to take away the one thing that was devoted to his fetish life, and threatening to leave him if he ever tried to get it back (Once again ingraining the idea of you leaving him strongly in his mind). To any overly-perceptive mind, this would indicate the opposite. By taking away his means of expression, you are implying that you are not comfortable with what he wants to express.

    Secondly, if you want any hope of working things out between this entire fetish life, him, and yourself, he first needs to be at ease with his fetishes. One of the best ways that he can reach such ease is by interacting with other people who have similar interests, and who have lived with those interests. By not allowing him to interact with those who feel similarly to how he does, you are hindering his road to accepting himself and learning to control his desires.

    In my opinion, if you are completely adamant about him not playing Second Life, at the very least you should help him to find some other sites (Such as this one, particularly this one, in fact) where he can talk to people who are interested in the same things he is and who can help him work through all his confusion and so on.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    Okay so having accepted his fetishes I’m having some things going on with me. I told him that though I accept his fetishes I just wasn’t quite sure how or what to do as I have studied this a lot but never really knew anyone who had a real per say fetish. He [boyfriend] has not 1 but 2.
    You should consider yourself lucky. There are some people who have a vast amount of fetishes, and have a lot of trouble controlling them. Having two closely related fetishes is quite fortunate.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    So now I’m basically struggling. We never had any issues before within our current sex life and it’s all been good but I’m struggling. I’m concerned for when we have children. I don’t want him sitting around in diapers to the extent the children see him. That is when we have them. I’m struggling that he may be get erections due to diapers and not me. I mean I feel like I’m competing with a friggin diaper now. I’m also struggling with the personal emotional issues he has had in his past and will those issues manifest later? My concern isn’t so much I suppose the diaper thing ---- that’s workable as well as the enema thingy I guess -- I guess my real concern is what happened that got him to this point of his fetishes and could the fetishes become a problem in later life keeping into consideration his past emotional problems.
    If your boyfriend ever suggests that he would expose his fetish life to his children, he has far more issues than simply being an AB. No matter what your fetish is, it should always be kept in the privacy of the "bedroom" (Not literally the bedroom, of course, but meaning "in private"). Just as you would never have sex in front of your children, nor should you ever expose any aspect of your fetishes to your children.

    On the subject of you competing with a diaper. One thing that you are going to have to accept if you want to work things out with him is that, yes, he is getting turned on by a diaper. The second thing that you must understand is that he is not choosing a diaper over you! From a logical standpoint, he is not choosing to be attracted to anything, and therefore cannot possibly choose to be attracted to an object more than he is to you (I am in no way saying that this is the case).

    From an emotional standpoint, you know very well that he has been struggling for a long time now to suppress his desires and attraction to diapers, in favor of being with you. He has lived in fear of you leaving him if he was ever caught, and for that reason, he tried to purge himself of something that could not possibly be purged (in my opinion). He has shown his devotion to you time and time again, and has expressly conveyed that he would do anything, and try to rid himself of anything, to stay with you.

    If all of the above do not verify that he is more attracted to you than to a diaper, I don't know what can.

    Furthermore, I am sure that the majority of his diaper-related desires have involved you in some way. I assume that part of what he desires is for you to be somehow involved in his fetish. I am not mentioning this to freak you out, or to try to convince you to participate in his fetish. I am mentioning this because it shows that, even as he expresses his attraction to diapers, he is thinking about you and expressing is deep attraction to you.

    ~~~

    On the subject of what happened to him. Only you and him know exactly what happened to him, and how badly it could have affected him. But even us, a community of diaper lovers, with a varied range of age, are unsure as to why we are what we are. Some of us believe it is natural, and others believe that it is brought on by external forces. In the end, none of us can be sure. Unfortunately, no one is entirely certain as to why they are attracted to diapers, but the fact of the matter is that they are, and trying to suppress it will only cause damage.

    Could this affect him later in life? It is quite possible. I'm not suggesting that the fetishes himself would be detrimental to his life. But, considering how he's lived a life of fear and disdain for himself for quite some time, it would not be surprising if he were to be adversely affected in the future. Combined with the issues that you suggest he has had in his past, I do not find it surprising at all that he would struggle with his happiness in the future.

    I believe that he should be working towards accepting himself, and learning to enjoy what he is. If he continues to be stressed and scared at every turn, of course it will be detrimental to his health, and his life as a whole. That is a given for any sort of stress of fear, regardless of the source.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    I’m so sorry to have ‘long-winded’ this. But I found this forum and decided to take the chance. Perhaps someone could shed some light so I can now begin to feel better. I can’t tell him I feel bad because I know how hard it was for him to tell me. But I have feelings and concerns as well.
    I've helped as much as I feel I can, so far. If you have any more questions, I'd be happy to try to answer them.

    Again, I strongly suggest that your boyfriend join this forum and talk to us himself, in an attempt to help him understand, accept, and control his desires.

    I can only hope that you're still hear to read this post.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasmiles View Post
    One last thing: Though fetishes are considered a disorder I would never even hint at any fetish being a mental disorder. Each case is unique as well as we are all individual. As long as any fetish does not harm that one or any other then there is no problem. I’m certainly not here to talk down to those with fetishes. As I stated we are all unique and if everyone were like me then life would be rather boring. I did have to reevaluate myself when I told my boyfriend when he tried to tell me before about his fetish and I told him it was ‘odd.’ Having since reconsidered I have learned something about myself and yeah --- I did the unthinkable I thought I’d never do. I discriminated about AB/DL and that was wrong of me to not take their feelings and uniqueness into consideration. But as I stated I have feelings and concerns as well.
    I find it very refreshing to see that you have reevaluated your beliefs and viewpoints in light of the situation. Do not let these new-found stances falter, and I'm sure the resolving all these issues will be much easier.


    * It is entirely false that diaper fetishism is only caused by painful / traumatic experiences in ones life. To assume so is simply ignorant, if I may be so blunt.

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