Im incredibly shy/nervous about posting here. I am not sure if I belong here or not.
To get the basic stats out of the way for you I am a *(nearly) 25 year old girl from Australia. I am pretty kink aware/open minded etc and I am involved in the BDSM scene. I publicly identify as a sadist/top/Domme. I love this aspect of my life/personality/sexuality and is my primary fetish (for lack of a better term) I have always been curious about AB stuff, but probably not for reasons you might assume.
Though my fetish is BDSM, I have also had for a very long time an interest/desire to explore the AB in me, but its something very personal and secret to me because it runs completely contrary to the Top/Domme aspect of me. What draws out the AB in me is exactly that contradiction - its an escape from everything, the desire to be comforted/nurtured etc. For me AB is not exactly a sexualized thing.
I also have borderline personality disorder - this means I have extreme, rapid mood changes that I can not control - frequently anger or sadness, they last for only a few hours or days (unlike bipolar where its weeks/months) These moods are intense and overwhelming. I have a very hard time doing what is called "self soothing" calming myself down etc... Even though I know logically that I am over reacting etc, it doesn't make the feeling go away. The only ways I can achieve this is usually by medication such as Valium or in worse cases self harming. Neither of them are particularly good coping mechanisms.
As I have been quite unwell lately my BPD is out of control, and these have been happening a lot, and really really strong. I have been trying to come up with ways to "self soothe" when I am in distress... and thinking outside the box I thought about AB and the feelings etc which are attached to that. This weekend I finally caved in and decided to order a Nuk 5 pacifier and bottle teat for myself, they should arrive sometime this week. Im both terrified, and hopeful.
**blushes and runs away to hide**
ETA: I am 24, turning 25 in just a few weeks, sorry if I confused anyone by doing so.