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Thread: Non ABDL Girlfriend, ABDL Boyfriend, assistance appreciated

  1. #1

    Post Non ABDL Girlfriend, ABDL Boyfriend, assistance appreciated

    Hello! I'm very happy I was able to find this website, and to be honest, this is really lifting a weight off my shoulders.

    So, to start things off, I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now, and for years I thought I was asexual, and I knew my boyfriend was sexual, but we never really talked about it. For a while, I decided to talk to my boyfriend, and it turned out we both learned something new about each other.

    For one, I had mentioned that I did have some sexual attraction to him, which in turn, made me investigate by the glory of google and a counselor to realize I wasn't asexual, but instead demisexual, which explained a lot to me. However, my boyfriend finally confided in me, and told me he was ABDL. I had never heard of this acronym before, so hearing him explain it was... interesting.

    I was happy that he confided in me, and finally told me what he liked, but as someone who was new to the entirety of the sexual world in general, I was unsure how to proceed. I still am in a way, but I am very, very confused with how to proceed. I just found out that ABDL was something and I'm trying to figure out not only how to indulge in the aspect of being demisexual, but also make my boyfriend happy. It's just... I have no idea of how to proceed. Given, knowing that he is an ABDL was shocking at first, but now that I've come to terms with it and I'm more mature about it.

    He's my first love and first boyfriend so I don't want to screw this up, especially since he finally told me. So, I have something to ask you all:

    1.) What should I do to help my boyfriend? Is there anything I should do to make him happy?
    2.) Is there anything specific I should know about ABDL in general?

    Thank you all so much, I'm sorry if something I said seemed a bit off, I'm still trying to figure out what in the world to do, and any and all responses are welcome. Thank you, again.

  2. #2

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    Hi and welcome to the site! We are a support group so you have come to the right place. Whenever I see a post like this my first response is to communicate with your partner. Since he's ABDL, does he want to be mothered? Does he want to be changed? Does he just want to act like a baby and watch cartoons while diapered? These are rhetorical questions to be asked and answered between you two. Some of these things will make him happy, I'm sure.

    I think the worst thing you can do is tell him you're OK with this and then down the road tell him you can't handle this. Be there 100% for him when he needs to regress. I'm sure there's plenty of adult time? There is a book I have heard about called "There's a Baby In My Bed". It might be worth purchasing from Amazon.

    Keep checking back as others will be commenting soon...

  3. #3

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    1. You should encourage him to Express his ABDL side, even if it is just an at home thing; maybe ask what sort of things he wants -there is a kind of "spectrum" to ABDL, we all have specific things that we want to do as a Little, Adult Baby, W/E the title is.

    1.5 - also dont get too literal with the Titles, they just make it easier to a give a broad sense of what kinds of things are more important to our ABDL side

    For example while the main thing in ABDL is definitely the Diapers, other aspects give a more specific sense as to what other things we like

    2. For example there are lots of small aspects to an Adult Baby, rather than a few bigger aspects

    In a broad way of describing things an Adult Baby will want a more complete experience with everything guided towards making them feel like a baby, a sort of escape of all the adult responsibilities we have.

    A Diaper Lover on the other hand is more of a "Just likes Diapers" sort of thing and it can be sexual or non-sexual (but it doesn't involve actual babies, it's like we want to be the Baby and that's it); though there can be a mixture of Adult Baby and Diaper Lover features.

  4. #4

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    Hello there, and welcome. Firstly, I just want to say you've done a really good thing by choosing to come here to try and find out more. It shows your obviously care deeply about the relationship.

    I'm going to try and answer 1 & 2 together if that's okay, because they are sort of the same question.

    The main point to understand is that ABDL is a very large spectrum with various subgroups. Some people may fall into only one group while others may span several, or be mainly in one but have an occasional interest in another. It's not unlike the sliding scale of sexuality. In broad terms you have the following groups:

    Diaper Lovers (DL)
    This is probably the simplest as it's usually defined as a standard fetish with the object of attraction being the diaper. Normally in a fetish, the object is sexually arousing, but there are some for whom the arousal is non-sexual.

    Adult Babies (AB)
    Most simply defined as wanting to act out in way that resembles a baby or younger child. This can include being looked after, baby clothes, bottles, dummies, feeding - anything you can think of regarding looking after a baby, there's an AB that likes that somewhere. Diapers are usually involved here because that's part of being a baby, but it's used in a different context to a DL. Every individual with have their own level of babying that they like, which may vary with mood or situation.

    I think AB is the more complicated one because it covers two very different approaches.
    For some people it's a form of vestism (like transvestite) in that they want to be a baby when they are playing. It's not feeling like an adult who is acting like a baby or a child, instead it's forgetting about the adult world for a time and acting like a child because they feel like a child. This is more commonly non-sexual and often correlates with those who feel they permanently have an inner child and this is a way to relax and let it out. You also get those who might want to act more-childlike but not wanting to go quite as far back as a baby.
    The other type is more like masochism. Somebody might retain the mindset of an adult, but enjoy being controlled by being made to do babyish things or being humiliated a little. Having a strict mummy figure might help them to feel more secure. This type tends to be more sexual but that's only a general rule of thumb.

    These two forms of AB, plus DLs, are sometimes referred to as the ABDL triangle. (That site in general has a lot of information about the scope of ABDL. While much of it is old and doesn't apply to everyone, it's a good place to start.) The important thing to know is that very few people are purely at one corner and all parts have a mix of those who find it sexual and non-sexual. It's a spectrum because each ABDL may have a degree of attraction to each part and many mix all three.
    People can also change over time. I started off thinking I was DL in my early teens, then moved towards the control corner for a while before settling closest to the vestism side. It's quite possible that your boyfriend hasn't fully figured out yet where on the spectrum he is.

    My advice would be to ask about what he thinks he likes, whether it's sexual or non-sexual, and then discuss between the two of you what you're comfortable trying. Asking where it came from probably isn't useful as many of us don't know. In the same way that you probably didn't know when younger why you were asexual / demisexual - you just are.
    I'd recommend starting slowly with something small. Going too fast too soon is likely to feel uncomfortable for one you and could be overwhelming for the over.
    If it's something sexual then it gives you both an opportunity to explore your demisexuality at the same time and find your own limits.

    Most important of all, remember that it's a two way street and he needs to respect what you're comfortable with and your boundries as well. While some of us may love a permanent caretaker who does most of the work, that's not a fair expectation in a healthy relationship. If you keep clear boundaries about how far you are willing to go from the start, you're less likely to set yourselves up for a fall later by doing too much and burning out.
    Communicate and be honest. I can assure you that it took a lot of courage for him to tell you this and he might be as unsure about how to start as you are.

    I wish you all the best, and don't be scared to ask for advice if something more specific troubles you later on. Though the majority of the site is ABDL or incontinent, there are several caretakers around if you need advice from those who've been in your position. There's a fair number of asexuals on here and I'm sure some demisexuals too - there will be someone who understands.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by DazedAndConfused View Post
    Hello! I'm very happy I was able to find this website, and to be honest, this is really lifting a weight off my shoulders.

    So, to start things off, I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now, and for years I thought I was asexual, and I knew my boyfriend was sexual, but we never really talked about it. For a while, I decided to talk to my boyfriend, and it turned out we both learned something new about each other.

    For one, I had mentioned that I did have some sexual attraction to him, which in turn, made me investigate by the glory of google and a counselor to realize I wasn't asexual, but instead demisexual, which explained a lot to me. However, my boyfriend finally confided in me, and told me he was ABDL. I had never heard of this acronym before, so hearing him explain it was... interesting.

    I was happy that he confided in me, and finally told me what he liked, but as someone who was new to the entirety of the sexual world in general, I was unsure how to proceed. I still am in a way, but I am very, very confused with how to proceed. I just found out that ABDL was something and I'm trying to figure out not only how to indulge in the aspect of being demisexual, but also make my boyfriend happy. It's just... I have no idea of how to proceed. Given, knowing that he is an ABDL was shocking at first, but now that I've come to terms with it and I'm more mature about it.

    He's my first love and first boyfriend so I don't want to screw this up, especially since he finally told me. So, I have something to ask you all:

    1.) What should I do to help my boyfriend? Is there anything I should do to make him happy?
    2.) Is there anything specific I should know about ABDL in general?

    Thank you all so much, I'm sorry if something I said seemed a bit off, I'm still trying to figure out what in the world to do, and any and all responses are welcome. Thank you, again.
    Hey there hun,

    I am from the same side of the fence your from. being introduced to this world is not something that is black and white in explanation. I had my own struggles when my guy came out to me about all of this. none the less this is and can be a bonding journey for both of you. the biggest key here is open and HONEST communication between the both of you. I play the caregiver/mommy to my little guy during little time. if you have any questions as far as both of us sharing " being introduced to ABDL" please do not hesitate to reach out.

  6. #6

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    It sounds like the two of you could be more compatible than you might think. Being DL often means opening up with your partner (or at least it should), and can easily lead to the type of nurture and caring a real baby would recieve. And what better way to strengthen your bond and emotional connection with your boyfriend than with a mommy-baby relationship (not 100% of the time of course, only when appropriate).

    And while some do engage in this steictly as a diaper fetish, being DL by definition is not sexual at all. It's core is about love, compasion, destressing, and having fun. I'd suggest you start there, and leave any sexual component out of it for now.

    Some recommendations, Give him a day to "baby out" in a diaper around the house. Watch tv, play games, and make meal times fun. If you're up for it too, maybe consider giving him a bath before tucking him in for the night too. More than any of that though, do what YOU are comfortable with, and hopefully in a way that will bring you both closer together.

  7. #7

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    Just to add, "Lo" from tumblr has a rather excellent pile of resources, podcasts, etc. on issues like this:

    https://www.thelittlelounge.com/podcast/

    Your BF's ABDL side could manifest in many ways, there are lots of different aspects he might enjoy or not so it's hard to make general suggestions - a good suggestion (also mentioned in the podcasts) is to get him to make a list, a blog, tumblr, whatever... of things that he likes, it's often easier to surf around and collect a few examples from the internet than to try and explain in detail and it's something you can read and explore at your leisure.

  8. #8

    Default

    Hi there and welcome! All of the above responses make up some really excellent advice and preliminary information about this brand new AB/DL thing. The simplest and most effective course of action to take is direct, in-depth communication with your boyfriend. Approach him with a completely open agenda and ask him to do the same for you, and do some mutual inner sexual exploration! A huge part of such exploration is being okay with the totally uninformed nature (to the point that some of them just sound silly) of some of the questions that you need answers to - but in the presence of someone who means a lot to you and who you trust, it naturally turns into something really fun. A lot of the suggestions for specific AB/DL activities that people have already given are great options that he very likely would be into. Things like diaper changes, nursing, cuddling while in little space and other general caretaker behaviours are all things that have as much emotional gratification (sometimes more) as sexual for a number of people in this community - but the bottom line comes down to what you are comfortable doing, and figuring out exactly what feels okay might require some trial and error. One thing that hasn't been overly emphasised in the responses so far is the state of being you've recently found yourself in with your newly discovered sexuality - in my opinion, spending some 'you time' growing comfortable and learning more about your sexual orientation and tendencies would be one of the most valuable things you could do not only for your boyfriend but obviously also for yourself. Knowing yourself well can only strengthen your emotional resolve when it comes to any kind of relationship but most especially an intimate one. By the way - it is really admirable that your response to a situation like this is to accept and try to reach out to your boyfriend by learning more. If you have any more questions or ideas that you want some insight on you are more than welcome here!

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